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Original poster

Valentines card from platonic friend

32 replies

Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 12:56

Am I overthinking this? A male friend who I’ve known for over 15 years sent me a Valentine’s Day card (anonymously) with the words ‘hey beautiful, I love you’ on the front of it……he is 100% only a platonic friend (on my side anyway). I didn’t know how to respond to this card so when he kept asking me how many cards I had I laughed it off and said none…. He then admitted that he’d sent me a card, hmmm. Then during our texts over the weekend he kept saying things like “is there a cinema near you, can we go”…. Again I kinda laughed it off and said “I gave up going to cinemas because I always fall asleep before the movie starts”….to which he replied “I’d love to fall asleeP with you in the cinema, I often dream of falling asleep with you, wrapped in each other arms, in a meaningful way of course”…….. I’m kind of feeling cross (and a bit grossed out) with him now as I feel like he’s crossed the friendship boundary and now I feel uncomfortable and don’t know how to reply to his messages (just for clarity, I don’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend and whilst we do tell each other we love each other it’s always along the lines of ‘i love you and I’m grateful to have you as my best friend’). How do I go about saying thanks for the card but I don’t feel it’s appropriate…. He c can be a bit overbearing at times and will try and make out it was only ‘platonic’ but the card itself wasn’t really what you’d send to a friend?

OP posts:
CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 13:00

He's pushing the boundaries and coming across as extremely creepy to be honest. I think you need to tell him directly that these comments are making you uncomfortable, and maybe have some time apart from him.

WashableVelvet · 17/02/2025 13:00

I think he wants to be your boyfriend, and you should give him a clear no, which avoids accidentally giving him any false hope.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 17/02/2025 13:04

@CharlieAndMoose is overreacting a bit. He obviously feels more for you than you do for him and this was his way of trying to be honest with you about how he is feeling. I think you just need to be very clear with him that you don't feel that way, never have and never will a land he needs to take some time away from you to get over what he feels before you are able to try and resume a friendship. Tell him he needs to respect that.

category12 · 17/02/2025 13:08

Yeah he's definitely trying to move it into the romantic/sexual.

What did you reply to the "wanting to fall asleep with you" comment?

If you haven't replied yet, it's the time to say "sorry mate, that's not where I see our friendship going."

Doesn't matter if he pretends it's not meant that way after.

Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 13:16

GarrynotsoGorilla · 17/02/2025 13:04

@CharlieAndMoose is overreacting a bit. He obviously feels more for you than you do for him and this was his way of trying to be honest with you about how he is feeling. I think you just need to be very clear with him that you don't feel that way, never have and never will a land he needs to take some time away from you to get over what he feels before you are able to try and resume a friendship. Tell him he needs to respect that.

I have in the past made it very very clear to him that there will never be anything except friendship, even the start of last week (before he sent the card), I told him very clearly that I have zero interest in the dating game. I definitely feel he’s overstepped things (thankfully he lives about 3hrs away) but he never stops banging on about coming to see me. I think the valentines card and the ‘falling asleep wrapped in each other arms’ was a bit creepy tbf but I’m just mad at him at the moment so have been avoiding any contact with him 🙈

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 13:18

He seems to want a relationship with you and this is his attempt at igniting your passion for him. 😀

Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 13:19

category12 · 17/02/2025 13:08

Yeah he's definitely trying to move it into the romantic/sexual.

What did you reply to the "wanting to fall asleep with you" comment?

If you haven't replied yet, it's the time to say "sorry mate, that's not where I see our friendship going."

Doesn't matter if he pretends it's not meant that way after.

I haven’t replied to it…just told him I was going to bed , I’m such a chicken! (It was a text message). I don’t want to lose him as a friend but right now I feel like telling him to ‘eph off🙈

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 17/02/2025 13:21

@Jayjay1968 I assumed this was his first attempt to show his feelings - he should have stopped, he clearly is a little too in to you. Probably best to be firm with him and tell him to keep his distance for a while! X

category12 · 17/02/2025 13:48

Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 13:19

I haven’t replied to it…just told him I was going to bed , I’m such a chicken! (It was a text message). I don’t want to lose him as a friend but right now I feel like telling him to ‘eph off🙈

Show quote history

Think you're going to have to say something.

Otherwise he might try it on in person.

Also replying in the negative by text gives him a way to save face. He can pretend he didn't mean it, you don't have to deal with the awkwardness.

Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 13:53

You do need to say something to make it very clear you're not interested, otherwise he will just keep going.

Why has he started this now after 15 years of friendship, have you recently become single again?

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 13:59

GarrynotsoGorilla · 17/02/2025 13:04

@CharlieAndMoose is overreacting a bit. He obviously feels more for you than you do for him and this was his way of trying to be honest with you about how he is feeling. I think you just need to be very clear with him that you don't feel that way, never have and never will a land he needs to take some time away from you to get over what he feels before you are able to try and resume a friendship. Tell him he needs to respect that.

I don't think I'm overreacting by interpreting comments such as "I often dream of falling asleep with you, wrapped in each other arms, in a meaningful way of course" as creepy! And OP herself has agreed that she took found it creepy. I'm assuming you're a man. If you're single, please never send messages like this to a woman who's shown you no romantic interest. We don't like it. Just a tip 😉

RedHelenB · 17/02/2025 14:02

You weren't honest OP. You should have said you received his card and made it clear that you weren't looking for a romance it may well be the end of the friendship though.

Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 14:03

Yep, agreed. It's super creepy. There's a huge difference between being honest about his feelings, and oversharing his dreams (fantasies).

Bittenonce · 17/02/2025 14:06

He messed up. Big time.
Problem is that as he's got no relationship history or experience, he's unlikely to get over his fixation any time soon. Sorry, but you might have lost a friend.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 14:27

OP, I think you will have to accept the friendship is coming to an end.

He is fixing on you and will not let it go.

Best you don't fan it and be crystal clear that you will never be together and need some space as he has made you feel very uncomfortable.

Mute him.

Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 14:44

RedHelenB · 17/02/2025 14:02

You weren't honest OP. You should have said you received his card and made it clear that you weren't looking for a romance it may well be the end of the friendship though.

i don’t think it would’ve been appropriate at that moment in time, hence why I made a joke of along the lines “oh yes loads” when he asked me about valentines cards (in the Hope he’d give up the subject!) then I changed the subject…. The card was not appropriate at all and made me feel really awkward and uncomfortable and at that moment in time I wasnt prepared to give him a calm response , and in ask fairness, he should never have put me in that position . It was only the next day when he started banging home sending me a card and then the creepy wanting to fall asleep in each others arms that I cut the conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 14:48

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 13:59

I don't think I'm overreacting by interpreting comments such as "I often dream of falling asleep with you, wrapped in each other arms, in a meaningful way of course" as creepy! And OP herself has agreed that she took found it creepy. I'm assuming you're a man. If you're single, please never send messages like this to a woman who's shown you no romantic interest. We don't like it. Just a tip 😉

Show quote history

100% agree with you, it is creepy and makes me feel a bit grossed out just thinking about it as I have never ever given him the slightest indication that I ever felt that way about him, if I had then I could’ve understood the creepy comments and the card but as it is, starting to feel even more p*ed off with him that he’s created this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 14:56

Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 13:53

You do need to say something to make it very clear you're not interested, otherwise he will just keep going.

Why has he started this now after 15 years of friendship, have you recently become single again?

I have no idea and no, been single for about 8yrs. He’s never done this before…we don’t even exchange birthday/Christmas cards. I think maybe he thinks that now my daughter has just started work and is pretty much independent that I’ve suddenly turned into some weak female who needs scooping up🙄, but it’s just a bit creepy…. If the card was kinda cute and funny I wouldn’t have paid too much attention to it but it said “hey beautiful, I love you, Guess who” with lots of kisses and hearts 🤢

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 15:18

@Jayjay1968 It's very weird, he must think now's a great time to try his luck for some reason!

The secret Valentine is pretty juvenile, that alone would be enough to get the ick.

I've had a long term male friend suddenly try it on after almost 20 years, the friendship ended as I couldn't get past the thought he'd just been hanging around waiting for an opportunity.

I'm not sure how you could move past it I'm afraid.

K8ate · 17/02/2025 17:09

What’s the problem here?
You say that you’re best mates and that you tell each other that ‘l love you’.
This is how relationships can start and build - from great friendships.
It’s fair enough that you’re not interested but to be grossed out is completely ridiculous and over the top.
Just be honest with him.
To be frank, he’s probably better off not having friends like you.

Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 21:04

Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 15:18

@Jayjay1968 It's very weird, he must think now's a great time to try his luck for some reason!

The secret Valentine is pretty juvenile, that alone would be enough to get the ick.

I've had a long term male friend suddenly try it on after almost 20 years, the friendship ended as I couldn't get past the thought he'd just been hanging around waiting for an opportunity.

I'm not sure how you could move past it I'm afraid.

I think you’re right and he was just’ waiting to act 😡. I texted him and told him in no uncertain terms that what he said and the card was totally inappropriate that it made me feel really uncomfortable…. He completely ignored it and asked if I was planning holidays and was wondering when I was next off work as he was planning a trip to mine (totally uninvited!). That’s just weird and overbearing so I don’t see how the friendship could continue anymore as he is obviously not taking any notice of what I’m saying

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 21:07

K8ate · 17/02/2025 17:09

What’s the problem here?
You say that you’re best mates and that you tell each other that ‘l love you’.
This is how relationships can start and build - from great friendships.
It’s fair enough that you’re not interested but to be grossed out is completely ridiculous and over the top.
Just be honest with him.
To be frank, he’s probably better off not having friends like you.

I tell my female friends exactly the same thing but they’d never dream of saying they want to fall asleep in my arms so what makes him think it’s ok for him to say it?!……ohh , you must mean he can say that because he’s a man 🙄

OP posts:
Aqz · 17/02/2025 21:09

Him ignoring your clear message is telling you he has zero respect for you.

I wouldn't trust him an inch, he doesn't respect your right to not want to be around him.

Cheeky fxxker, cut him off ruthlessly.

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 21:09

Jayjay1968 · 17/02/2025 21:04

I think you’re right and he was just’ waiting to act 😡. I texted him and told him in no uncertain terms that what he said and the card was totally inappropriate that it made me feel really uncomfortable…. He completely ignored it and asked if I was planning holidays and was wondering when I was next off work as he was planning a trip to mine (totally uninvited!). That’s just weird and overbearing so I don’t see how the friendship could continue anymore as he is obviously not taking any notice of what I’m saying

Show quote history

How old is this man? This behaviour is getting more bizarre by the moment. I'd be starting to question if he's had a medical episode that could be affecting his boundaries - I can't fathom any other logical explanation for such a jump into inappropriateness!

Dotty87 · 17/02/2025 21:15

@Jayjay1968 Good on you for putting it in no uncertain terms, what an odd response.

I think you need to respond to tell him he isn't welcome at yours, you don't want to see him and not to come near you.

He seems quite unhinged!