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Original poster

You’d want to know, right?

31 replies

LeSquigh · 17/02/2025 01:19

I’m in a quandary and I REALLY don’t know what to do and I’ve been thinking about what I should do for months and I’ve come up with no answers so I’m turning to you lot for advice.

I have a very good friend who despite being a lovely friend is most definitely not a great person to be in a romantic relationship with. She has had a string of short to medium term relationships and has never stayed faithful to any of them. She has been seeing her current “partner” for nearly a year but has had someone on the side for almost the duration of this relationship. Honestly I don’t know where she gets the energy as she works full time and also has two kids. I have met her (actual) partner a few times - he seems lovely and we have some mutual friends and they all speak very highly of him. His ex wasn’t very nice by all accounts and in my friend he clearly thinks he has found “the one”. Obviously I know what she’s been up to and I know she won’t change. They are starting to introduce their children and there has been early talk of moving in together at some point soon.

I am torn because my loyalty should of course be to my friend but she is already shitting on him and will likely continue to do so. She has no intention of sacking off the other one and finds it amusing. However he is about to throw himself fully into this with everything that entails and he also has young kids who will end up hurt too I’m sure so I feel like an absolute shit for standing by and watching this happen.

I don’t want to ruin my friendship but I also don’t want kids lives to be ruined. I feel so uncomfortable about all this and I just don’t know what to do. If I were him I would want to know. I definitely would.

any advice?

OP posts:
Garlicworth · 17/02/2025 01:25

Oh, god, what a quandary! Yes, I would want to know. I have been devastated to realise friends said nothing when I was the deceived partner, and I have told a friend her fiancé was cheating.

The extra awkwardness here is that your primary friendship is with the cheat. If you tell her boyfriend, you'll lose them both (and perhaps some collateral friendships) but he does deserve to know.

Can you leak the info somehow? Or get into an agonised heart-to-heart with one of his friends?

I don't envy you 😕

Devilsmommy · 17/02/2025 01:43

I know it's your friend but he really needs to be told. If it was just the adults that's one thing, though I'd still tell but with blending kids you can't let it happen. How awful when it comes out if they're all living together. Tell him. Your friend is shitty for putting you in that position anyway

Incakewetrust · 17/02/2025 03:54

Is there any way you could tell him anonymously? If you did this, you'd have to have proof otherwise it may look like someone trying to shit stir.

SunflowerTed · 17/02/2025 04:03

he needs to know x

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 07:04

I think you should speak to your friend about it first, be upfront and essentially give her an "if you won't tell him, I will" spiel. I have a couple of friends like this - some people just aren't built for monogamy. I've never gotten involved but then there's no kids involved. It's 2025, I don't know why people don't just pursue (consensual) polyamory if they can't settle with one at a time!

Elasticatedtrousers · 17/02/2025 07:14

He absolutely needs to know. This isn't even in question. He's about to uproot the lives of his children based on a lie and potentially wreck his finances moving in with this woman. I count cheating as abusive and your friend laughs at it.

You have to make him aware, however you do it!

Showerflowers · 17/02/2025 07:56

I couldn't be friends with such a cold, nasty piece of crap

Angelcakelover · 17/02/2025 07:58

I agree with PP, I couldn't be friends with someone like this. Speaks volumes as to who she really is. I would simply end the friendship, tell her the reasons why, and walk away from all of her drama.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 17/02/2025 08:02

100% he needs to know

Summerbornhelp · 17/02/2025 08:10

I would have to say something. It's one thing with adults but these children are going to get hurt.

Distance yourself from her, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Finding it amusing that she is with someone and cheating isn't a good trait and says a lot about her.

DaringTurtle · 17/02/2025 08:16

Is it really any of your business? I agree it’s really awful behaviour but these are your friend’s life choices not yours. If you don’t like how she behaves then don’t be friends with her. Getting yourself involved in her drama is bound to end the friendship anyway but do you really want to be the focus of her anger when she realises what she’s done?

KhakiOrca · 17/02/2025 08:17

He deserves to know really. And I'm not the sort of person who normally gets involved with this kind of drama, but I think for the kids sake he should know or they all could be really hurt going forward.
Also, if you don't want to personally tell him then do it anonymously.

bifurCAT · 17/02/2025 08:20

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 07:04

I think you should speak to your friend about it first, be upfront and essentially give her an "if you won't tell him, I will" spiel. I have a couple of friends like this - some people just aren't built for monogamy. I've never gotten involved but then there's no kids involved. It's 2025, I don't know why people don't just pursue (consensual) polyamory if they can't settle with one at a time!

I disagree. If your husband was cheating, would you prefer that someone told him to stop, or for you to be told?

You're still being cheated on. I'd want to know.

IButtleSir · 17/02/2025 08:23

Absolutely tell him. Then dump your friend: she's a piece of shit.

username299 · 17/02/2025 08:25

I don't really understand. How can she be a lovely person when she seems to be getting off on lying and betrayal? She sounds like a sociopath and I would drop her like a brick. Before I did so, if I had the opportunity, I would tell him.

didgeriaye · 17/02/2025 08:26

I don't think I'd be able to stay out of it, as there are children involved and he's considering moving in with her.

Personally I wouldn't want to keep this woman as a friend, and wouldn't particularly care if she knew it was me. She's deceptive in relationships, her loyalty to friends is likely to be as much of a lie as her loyalty to romantic partners, and being outed would just be the consequences of her own actions. I understand that friendship groups can be complicated though, and you might not want to take the nuclear option.

If you let him know anonymously, make sure you give him enough information to confirm it's true for himself. As she's a serial cheat I'm sure she's excellent at talking her way out of situations.

FindusMakesPancakes · 17/02/2025 08:30

DaringTurtle · 17/02/2025 08:16

Is it really any of your business? I agree it’s really awful behaviour but these are your friend’s life choices not yours. If you don’t like how she behaves then don’t be friends with her. Getting yourself involved in her drama is bound to end the friendship anyway but do you really want to be the focus of her anger when she realises what she’s done?

Would you feel that way if you were being cheated on and someone knew but chose not to tell you? Or is this the MN double standard that it is ok for people to be treated like crap as long as they are men?

@LeSquigh I would be willing to lose the friendship over this. I don't need people with those kind of values in my life. You say she finds it amusing. That is warped. Did the relationship with her kids dad end with infidelity? Is this some kind of weird revenge thing but against an innocent party? Please don't let the kids be further sucked into this mess.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/02/2025 08:52

Why are you friends with this woman, just out of interest?

I'd tell her bf. Save him and his dcs a lot of misery.

CharlieAndMoose · 17/02/2025 08:58

bifurCAT · 17/02/2025 08:20

I disagree. If your husband was cheating, would you prefer that someone told him to stop, or for you to be told?

You're still being cheated on. I'd want to know.

Show quote history

I didn't say she should tell her friend to stop. I said she should try to get her friend to do the right thing and give her the chance to admit it to him herself. Hence my literal words being "if you don't tell him, I will". If the OP goes directly to the bloke, what's to stop her friend from lying to him about it? And who's he going to choose believe, the woman he loves or a virtual stranger?

To answer your question (the relevance of which I'm not clear about, given I didn't say she should keep it to herself): If my husband was cheating, I'd rather hear it from the horse's mouth than have an embarrassing conversation with someone I don't really know (which would then leave the responsibility placed on me to investigate and get to the bottom of it).

kellygoeswest · 17/02/2025 12:31

username299 · 17/02/2025 08:25

I don't really understand. How can she be a lovely person when she seems to be getting off on lying and betrayal? She sounds like a sociopath and I would drop her like a brick. Before I did so, if I had the opportunity, I would tell him.

Seconded.

I was in this exact situation around a decade ago, where I didn't say anything while my friend was cheating on her partner regularly (in her case there wasn't just one other guy, but one night stands and hook ups too too). I only met him once or twice as she hated him mixing with her friends, obviously because she was worried something might slip out about her behaviour.

We're no longer friends, and in hindsight, she was pretty terrible all around. I seriously regretted not speaking up and letting her partner know for a long time, although the last I heard he's happily married with children and living in the countryside somewhere!

Original poster
LeSquigh · 17/02/2025 13:15

Incakewetrust · 17/02/2025 03:54

Is there any way you could tell him anonymously? If you did this, you'd have to have proof otherwise it may look like someone trying to shit stir.

I have considered the anonymous approach but I am stuck on just how to do that without it being very obvious it’s me. With the addition of would I be believed? :)

OP posts:
Lavenderblossoms · 17/02/2025 13:16

Let him know anonymously!

Original poster
LeSquigh · 17/02/2025 13:16

didgeriaye · 17/02/2025 08:26

I don't think I'd be able to stay out of it, as there are children involved and he's considering moving in with her.

Personally I wouldn't want to keep this woman as a friend, and wouldn't particularly care if she knew it was me. She's deceptive in relationships, her loyalty to friends is likely to be as much of a lie as her loyalty to romantic partners, and being outed would just be the consequences of her own actions. I understand that friendship groups can be complicated though, and you might not want to take the nuclear option.

If you let him know anonymously, make sure you give him enough information to confirm it's true for himself. As she's a serial cheat I'm sure she's excellent at talking her way out of situations.

Yep, she’s the best at talking her way out of things unfortunately….

OP posts:
Original poster
LeSquigh · 17/02/2025 13:19

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and those of you that have asked why I am friends with her - I agree, absolutely that from an outsiders point of view but it’s so much harder when you have such a long history with a person isn’t it?

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 13:20

Can't you tell a mutual friend and get them to tell him? Surely you're not the only person to know?