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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like I'm a bad person (touching in relationship)

46 replies

Kimi86 · 16/02/2025 21:52

When my partner and I got together, he knew I was autistic and have adhd from the start. I explained to him how I don't like physical affection. Not a lot at least and certainly not constantly. He was always respectful of it in the beginning. We had our daughter 3yrs ago.

Since she's been born he's been ramping up the physical affection. It's gotten to the point where I've tried closing myself off to him but he just pulls my hands/arms apart and says "you are MY woman and I can touch when I please!:

He cannot just give me a simple hug and a kiss once or twice a day. When he sees me he has to have his hand up my top or down my trousers. When I tell him to back away he gets angry because, it's how he shows affection, and we don't have sex as often as he would like.

A bit of story about our situation. I work, I come home, I cook, I clean, I make sure all the kids have everything they need for school/play group the next day, I clean some more and go to bed. He doesn't work. He mostly sits in his pyjamas scrolling tiktok or playing his PlayStation (he's nearly 40). So I come home from work to all that. And he wonders why I'm to tired and stressed for intimacy.

He also for 95% of the day, spends it scolding me and the kids for everything and nothing... like all we have to do is say something in a tone he doesn't like and he will go off on us. He moans about everything all the time. He sits and burps and farts all the time. Literally all the time and he has to describe it to me and all he does in the bathroom.

He doesn't provide for our family. He is an arsehole during the day. And then expects me to be turned on when it comes to bed time and expects me to want sex and dress up for him.

He constantly says "I'm the alpha! I'm in charge of this family!" Yet I've never been any more in my masculine energy as I am right now.

Literally I came out the bathroom a moment ago, I'm heading to bed as our youngest is really sick and I didn't get much sleep last night. I just come out the bathroom as he's just come up the stairs. He sees me and instantly puts his hand up my top to grope me and starts looking what I'm wearing on my bottom half. I said to him he doesn't need to grope me each and every time. And he gets angry with me and starts making me feel bad for not being intimate with him and romantic (I've never been romantic ever in my life)

He is never wrong. He's always right. He has a victim mentality and a superiority complex. I'm attracted to him physically but mentally he repulses me. But I'm being made to feel like a bad person

OP posts:
LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 22:00

Hi OP,

Honestly I'm not sure where to start in addressing what is wrong with this picture!

You are not a bad person. I would actually say that the constant groping and unwanted sexual touching is a form of sexual abuse.

The way he behaves towards your children and you also sounds emotionally abusive.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I genuinely think you would be better off without him. It sounds like you're doing it all anyway! He is not adding anything positive to your life or that of your children - he is simply taking and treating everyone like shit.

Also - your body is your body and no one EVER had the right to touch you if you don't want them to. It doesn't matter why you don't want them to do it. It's your body and your bloody choice!

KimP85 · 16/02/2025 22:00

He's overstepping boundaries and making you feel very uncomfortable. After all you've described about him apart from being physically attracted to him what is it that makes you stay with him. Sounds like he brings nothing to the relationship he doesn't respect you at all. He's constantly groping you, doesn't work but doesn't do any housework or cooking either and leaves everything to you. If it was me I would be giving him an ultimatum, change your ways or leave.

Pigriver · 16/02/2025 22:00

This behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop. He does not have control of you and your body. Full stop.
I would have a full and frank conversation about what is and isn't acceptable and why.
When my kids were small I felt utterly touched out and couldn't bare being touched by my husband. I just craved quiet and alone time. My son is autistic and I think I probably am too but it doesn't actually matter. No means no.
I also get that his behaviour in terms of effort around the house makes him even more unattractive as the resentment builds. Tell him to pull his weight and maybe them you might not feel so overwhelmed. Be careful though that he doesn't see it as a definite, hoover then we will have sex style situation though.

fourelementary · 16/02/2025 22:02

Why are you married to him? What does he actually provide for you or your child? Dump him and run- this is NOT normal or acceptable behaviour.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/02/2025 22:02

you are MY woman and I can touch when I please!

This is so wrong! You aren't his possession. If you say no, that's a no!

If anything you're being far too tolerant OP.

BB49 · 16/02/2025 22:05

What is the point of him? And why would you put up with all his constant groping?

It cant be showing your DC good relationship behaviour nor is he a good father or partner.

Zippidydoodah · 16/02/2025 22:07

He sounds disgusting. He’s a cock lodger who feels he has the divine right to touch you and use your body for his sexual gratification. Please, leave him. You deserve better. You deserve an equal partner and mutual trust and respect.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/02/2025 22:08

Why does he not work?

StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 22:09

He’s a little man with a big inferiority complex. You do everything, you are the provider and the homemaker, and he is trying to assert himself as the man of the house.

Abusive and pathetic.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 16/02/2025 22:11

Ugh, you can have my first LTB of 2025 my exh was like this only in the end mine escalated into marital rape, plus sexual and mental and physical abuse for the last 4 years of the marriage. I remember going out to a nice restaurant for valentines day and him constantly reaching across the table and groping my boobs. When I asked him to stop because everyone was staring and it was really embarrassing me he said to me I don't care, you are my wife and I can do whatever I want to you. He tried one more time to reach over and my boobs only this time I grabbed hold of my fork and stabbed it into his hand. After that he stopped but I paid for it once we got back home.

sometimesmovingforwards · 16/02/2025 22:14

He seems like a cross between a useless cocklodger, an incel and a sexual abuser.

Why on earth are you with him??

JudgeBread · 16/02/2025 22:17

Oh hell fucking no. I say this as someone who is ridiculously physically affectionate and who will crawl all over my husband and cling to him like a limpet if given the opportunity, absolutely no fucking way is his behaviour ok. "You're MY woman"??? Alright Og, fuck off out and bring back a woolly mammoth for tea if that's the attitude you want to bring to the table.

Nope. You're a completely normal person who set out clear boundaries right from the start of your relationship, he's inexplicably decided he no longer has to respect those boundaries. This needs to be a come to Jesus conversation of "respect my bodily autonomy or I'm leaving you, no ifs ands or buts".

Sorry he's made you feel like a bad person, I can assure you that you absolutely are not 💐

Doloresparton · 16/02/2025 22:21

Whose house is it?
You need to ltb.
He's a complete waste of space.
How can you like a man that does nothing all day? That is happy to watch you work yourself into the ground whilst doing nothing.
And then thinks he's an alpha.
He certainly is not.

Comfortablycosy · 16/02/2025 22:23

Why is this sexually abusive prick still in your house? He’s not a,partner in any way shape or form. If your kids report his groping or his comments you’ll have social services intervention.

Kick him the fuck out. He’s fucking nuts.

Deadringer · 16/02/2025 22:25

He is a lazy, selfish, abusive fucker! He needs to go op, fast.

TwistedWonder · 16/02/2025 22:26

He’s a freeloading cocklodger who is continually sexually assaulting you. Hrs an abusive cunt to put it bluntly.

Do you really want your DC growing g up in an abusive household thinking men can treat women like absolute shit and get away with it?

He’s repulsive. If you pay for everything kick his skanky arse out.

Uberella · 16/02/2025 22:29

He brings nothing to the table and is financially,emotionally,verbally and sexually abusing you.

He needs to go.

Mopsy567 · 16/02/2025 22:33

I can't beieve what I have just read. I would find a decomposing sea slug more attractive than your partner!

I can't understand why you are with him. Even if he looked like Keanu Reeves or had a million pound inheritance coming his way he is not worth staying for.

Also, anyone rude to my kids would be out of my door in a heartbeat. OP, get rid of him - he is impacting them negatively too!

riverislandjeans · 16/02/2025 22:33

LTB

There I said it.

You deserve so much better

MsVi · 16/02/2025 22:37

He’s not exactly bringing much to the table is he? He sounds a revolting lazy sexist pig. You would be better off by yourself.

BellissimoGecko · 16/02/2025 22:40

How did this situation come about? Why doesn't he work? If he doesn't work, why doesn't he do all the cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids?

And the other thing: he is sexually abusing you. You deserve so much more.

I'd leave him.

He's a lazy, abusive, criticising misogynist arsehole.

Cookingtea · 16/02/2025 22:58

I enjoy affection and physical contact but what you describe would not be acceptable to me. Please do not think that how he acts is normal behaviour. You have to be firm and tell him to stop. He needs to step up and do more for your family.

Perseimmion · 16/02/2025 23:00

TwistedWonder · 16/02/2025 22:26

He’s a freeloading cocklodger who is continually sexually assaulting you. Hrs an abusive cunt to put it bluntly.

Do you really want your DC growing g up in an abusive household thinking men can treat women like absolute shit and get away with it?

He’s repulsive. If you pay for everything kick his skanky arse out.

I agree with all you’ve said.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2025 23:03

No one responding is going to have the faintest idea why you haven't left him op.

He brings nothing to the table whatsoever, and is repulsive, abusive and angry on top.

Why haven't you kicked him out?

Anywherebuthere · 16/02/2025 23:06

He sounds utterly vile! I don't think anyone in their right mind would be happy to be constantly groped.

All the previous posters are right. There doesnt seem to be any redeeming features here at all.

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