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Original poster

New partner - mismatched values?

48 replies

goosymoose · 16/02/2025 20:52

So I've been seeing a guy for 9 months, we're mid 30s, I have a child, he doesn't.

I have a mortgage with around 40% equity, he's renting. When we met he had a fairly decent chunk to put down on a house and said he was going to buy. He then decided he'd hang around in his rented house to see how things pan out and if things work then we'd buy a bigger house together.

Since then his money is gradually dwindling away, first it was a new car and he'd repay it. Fine, however as I predicted, he's not repaid a penny, then he surprised me with a holiday, paid for out the saving, but of course, he'll repay it.

There's a constant flow of expensive gifts, new trainers, coats, designer clothing. He can't even go to the co op without returning with a gift, flowers, chocolates, it's small but it's constant. January I said enough, if he wants a future he needs to save money so he can try and match my deposit, it's possible to do but he needs to cut out the unnecessary spending.

We agreed a £30 limit for valentines, I got new £140 trainers, a £100 coat and 2 £80 hoodies. I was so upset I've made him take them all back,

I know on the surface it seems generous and caring but it's just making me wonder if our values are aligned. I don't want these things, I can actually buy them myself, but I chose not to. And what upsets me the most is, I've told him these things don't make me happy, I've told him what's important to me and that's him being financially equal if we live together.

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute.

Is my thinking off? My friend actually said I'm so ungrateful and don't deserve how nice he treats me, but surly listening to what's important to me is the key, not gifts.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 16/02/2025 20:55

You're financially incompatible.

Don't let him move in. He'll just fritter his money away while you support him.

Beamur · 16/02/2025 20:56

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute
Reckon you might be right

StrawberryWater · 16/02/2025 20:57

Ah the love bombing cocklodger.

OP run.

Seriously. Don't waste another minute on this man. He's irresponsible with money, doesn't listen to your wants and needs and is looking just to move into your house. Don't let him.

As for your friend tell them to bog off.

PerkyGreenCat · 16/02/2025 20:58

I think you're right to spot the red flags. He's not good with money. It's already stressing you out and you've only been together 9 months. Imagine what it would be like living with him 5 years down the line when he's spent the council tax money on new trainers.

You set a 30 pound limit on gifts and agreed this with him. He's pissed all over your boundaries by going way over the top. You can't enjoy gifts that you know he's sacrificing your future together to pay for.

Find someone else.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 16/02/2025 21:02

goosymoose · 16/02/2025 20:52

So I've been seeing a guy for 9 months, we're mid 30s, I have a child, he doesn't.

I have a mortgage with around 40% equity, he's renting. When we met he had a fairly decent chunk to put down on a house and said he was going to buy. He then decided he'd hang around in his rented house to see how things pan out and if things work then we'd buy a bigger house together.

Since then his money is gradually dwindling away, first it was a new car and he'd repay it. Fine, however as I predicted, he's not repaid a penny, then he surprised me with a holiday, paid for out the saving, but of course, he'll repay it.

There's a constant flow of expensive gifts, new trainers, coats, designer clothing. He can't even go to the co op without returning with a gift, flowers, chocolates, it's small but it's constant. January I said enough, if he wants a future he needs to save money so he can try and match my deposit, it's possible to do but he needs to cut out the unnecessary spending.

We agreed a £30 limit for valentines, I got new £140 trainers, a £100 coat and 2 £80 hoodies. I was so upset I've made him take them all back,

I know on the surface it seems generous and caring but it's just making me wonder if our values are aligned. I don't want these things, I can actually buy them myself, but I chose not to. And what upsets me the most is, I've told him these things don't make me happy, I've told him what's important to me and that's him being financially equal if we live together.

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute.

Is my thinking off? My friend actually said I'm so ungrateful and don't deserve how nice he treats me, but surly listening to what's important to me is the key, not gifts.

OP, he just sees you as the golden goose! You are totally right values have to match in order for a relationship to succeed & yours don’t. So please save yourself the heartache and get rid of bad rubbish. It may hurt now but it will hurt a lot more if you buy a house with him.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 16/02/2025 21:05

@goosymoose & as for your friend she is just plain ‘stupid’ if that was the conclusion she came to. Life doesn’t become fabulous if you receive gifts, it becomes fabulous when you have built something together. That is what is meaningful, honestly some people are so materialistic

pimplebum · 16/02/2025 21:06

How do you know he had a chuck of money to put down ? Did you see evidence of this ?

bit brutal to make him take gifts back but certainly under scores the point
big difference between £30 budget and him spending £400!! That’s not a slight over spend

outerspacepotato · 16/02/2025 21:08

Your relationship is not even a year old. How long ago did he put his plans to buy on hold? When did he start talking about moving in? He's really rushing this.

Cherub02 · 16/02/2025 21:08

goosymoose · 16/02/2025 20:52

So I've been seeing a guy for 9 months, we're mid 30s, I have a child, he doesn't.

I have a mortgage with around 40% equity, he's renting. When we met he had a fairly decent chunk to put down on a house and said he was going to buy. He then decided he'd hang around in his rented house to see how things pan out and if things work then we'd buy a bigger house together.

Since then his money is gradually dwindling away, first it was a new car and he'd repay it. Fine, however as I predicted, he's not repaid a penny, then he surprised me with a holiday, paid for out the saving, but of course, he'll repay it.

There's a constant flow of expensive gifts, new trainers, coats, designer clothing. He can't even go to the co op without returning with a gift, flowers, chocolates, it's small but it's constant. January I said enough, if he wants a future he needs to save money so he can try and match my deposit, it's possible to do but he needs to cut out the unnecessary spending.

We agreed a £30 limit for valentines, I got new £140 trainers, a £100 coat and 2 £80 hoodies. I was so upset I've made him take them all back,

I know on the surface it seems generous and caring but it's just making me wonder if our values are aligned. I don't want these things, I can actually buy them myself, but I chose not to. And what upsets me the most is, I've told him these things don't make me happy, I've told him what's important to me and that's him being financially equal if we live together.

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute.

Is my thinking off? My friend actually said I'm so ungrateful and don't deserve how nice he treats me, but surly listening to what's important to me is the key, not gifts.

He seems to not take what you have to say seriously or else he would have listened the first time and understood that he's not acting in yours or his best interest. Normally a red flag like this is followed by a lot more im sorry you don't deserve someone immature x

ZekeZeke · 16/02/2025 21:10

You are not financially compatible.
Don't let him move in!

sometimesmovingforwards · 16/02/2025 21:16

outerspacepotato · 16/02/2025 20:55

You're financially incompatible.

Don't let him move in. He'll just fritter his money away while you support him.

First response

New partner - mismatched values?
Treeinthesky · 16/02/2025 21:28

He sounds like me tbh. I show love by buying. I do own my house though. Lighten up. He clearly likes you

canyouletthedogoutplease · 16/02/2025 21:29

We agreed a £30 limit for valentines, I got new £140 trainers, a £100 coat and 2 £80 hoodies. I was so upset I've made him take them all back,
I know on the surface it seems generous and caring

It doesn't seem generous and caring to me, especially if you've told him that what you would value is someone who is your financial equal and can match you in terms of equity. It seems like he's showering you with gifts to "buy" you. Don't fall for it.

He is a nightmare waiting to happen, and you do not just have yourself to think about. You've got a child and you've known him since last summer, it's too early to be even considering cohabiting, never mind sharing finances, especially with someone who's money runs through their fingers like water.

He will take you down with him if you let him, your child as well. Your gut is right, you're incompatible, steer well clear.

mindutopia · 16/02/2025 21:52

It’s not that you have mismatched values, you have different approaches to money. Unless it’s a lovestruck haze he’s in, it sounds like you are financially incompatible.

That said, how do you know how much savings he had? I certainly would never be opening up and going through my accounts with someone I’d only been dating that long. At 9 months, it’s way, way too soon to be talking about buying a house together. You should still be at the maybe in 6 months time, you could meet my dc at the park for an ice cream phase of dating.

username299 · 16/02/2025 22:05

You seem very up in his business for a nine month relationship. What's the rush? Why are you keeping tabs on his money and planning to enter a massive financial commitment with someone you've known less than a year?

I wouldn't get a mortgage with someone who is irresponsible with money and I'd run from someone who was telling me how to spend my money after a few months.

Original poster
goosymoose · 17/02/2025 19:50

I didn't ask initially, he told me. It just come up in conversation regarding future plans, he doesn't like where he lives and said he'd been saving for a deposit. And I have no plans to move in with this man anytime soon, or even at all if my thinking stays where it's at.

I just find the constant gifts suffocating and it makes me feel like we're so different. I'm a parent so what I have tends to go to my child before me, I also save quite a bit each month as I want a really comfortable rainy day fund just in case. My child's dad doesn't do much in way of helping so it's all on me and lately I've been digging as I can't see how he can afford so many extravagant gifts and I feel like I'm at the point where I consider introducing him to my child or walking away.

I don't want to waste my time on someone there's no long term future with, I'd rather be on my own!

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 17/02/2025 19:56

I wouldn't be buying a house with a guy I'd only known for 9 months but that could just be me.
This one seems to think you're his gravy train and he's trying to buy you with expensive gifts you've already said you don't want.
I don't think you're compatible.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 17/02/2025 21:53

I feel like I'm at the point where I consider introducing him to my child or walking away.

Walk away.

ThatEllie · 17/02/2025 22:58

It seems odd to be having so many detailed financial conversations in a relationship of only 9 months. Is he the one instigating all of them?

SunflowerTed · 17/02/2025 23:12

I don’t believe he has a chunk of money going on his current spending!

IthinkIamAnAlien · 17/02/2025 23:40

Years ago I had a friend who got involved in a relationship similar to what you have described. She married him, he was a teacher who lost his job and couldn't find another, he persuaded her to give up her business and move to Ireland to work in a private school where he could teach and she could be a house mistress. She hated it and was back in the UK within 6 months, divorce followed and she lost half the equity in her house to him. I lost touch with her at the point where she was living in rented accommodation and doing a job she hated for a poor income. I felt really sorry for her. Please dump this man, you will never be happy with him.

H112 · 18/02/2025 00:34

This is classic love bombing.

Making you feel crap over valentine gifts after setting a budget is so toxic. Leave him xx

Serpenting · 18/02/2025 00:38

Beamur · 16/02/2025 20:56

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute
Reckon you might be right

Yup. You have a classic case of the love bombing cocklodger who is in fact making a canny ‘investment’ in getting a roof over his head for free.

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 18/02/2025 00:41

Trust your instinct OP. You are right to be wary & concerned.

Toddlerhelpplease123 · 18/02/2025 00:46

God don't do it!

If you clearly talked about it. Clearly set a £30 limit and he did that!

Absolutely mental.

You can be completely different in every way in relationships as long as your values align.

I genuinely think it’s the only thing which actually matters when it comes down to the success of long term relationships. Everything else can be worked on and fixed/ forgiven.

Misalignment of values are impossible. And these are simple values! Often the revealing of more complex values dont arise until you are faced with really tricky and unexpected scenarios.