New partner - mismatched values?

[goosymoose]

So I've been seeing a guy for 9 months, we're mid 30s, I have a child, he doesn't.

I have a mortgage with around 40% equity, he's renting. When we met he had a fairly decent chunk to put down on a house and said he was going to buy. He then decided he'd hang around in his rented house to see how things pan out and if things work then we'd buy a bigger house together.

Since then his money is gradually dwindling away, first it was a new car and he'd repay it. Fine, however as I predicted, he's not repaid a penny, then he surprised me with a holiday, paid for out the saving, but of course, he'll repay it.

There's a constant flow of expensive gifts, new trainers, coats, designer clothing. He can't even go to the co op without returning with a gift, flowers, chocolates, it's small but it's constant. January I said enough, if he wants a future he needs to save money so he can try and match my deposit, it's possible to do but he needs to cut out the unnecessary spending.

We agreed a £30 limit for valentines, I got new £140 trainers, a £100 coat and 2 £80 hoodies. I was so upset I've made him take them all back,

I know on the surface it seems generous and caring but it's just making me wonder if our values are aligned. I don't want these things, I can actually buy them myself, but I chose not to. And what upsets me the most is, I've told him these things don't make me happy, I've told him what's important to me and that's him being financially equal if we live together.

I'm starting to wonder if he just thinks he'll move in to my house and not contribute.

Is my thinking off? My friend actually said I'm so ungrateful and don't deserve how nice he treats me, but surly listening to what's important to me is the key, not gifts.

You've known him less than a year and are already thinking about buying a house together, way too soon. I always made it clear to bfs there won't be any living together for at least 5 years. Don't let him invade your and your child's personal space.

Sounds like he’s unable to see the bigger picture & plan for a future together. To be spending daft money because it’s Valentine’s Day is quite immature. I’d have one last serious word with him and tell him you don’t value all this stuff but you do value financial security and take it from there. There are a couple of great documentaries on Netflix you could start with. Sounds like he lacks awareness and needs some education. Maybe his parents had the same habits? There’s still time for him to change if he wants to.

https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81312877

I couldn’t be with someone like that either. That kind of crazy consumerism is a sign that he lacks maturity and he’s financially illiterate if he does that whilst not being able to afford to live somewhere he likes.

I wouldn’t risk my child’s stability and future to live with someone that irresponsible.

He doesn't think he needs a house deposit anymore as he plans to just move into your place.

Are you sure he saved the money he had? It sounds more like someone who would have got an inheritance or windfall of some sort and is burning his way through it.

If you do like him then be clear that there is zero chance you will move in together unless he matches your equity - not because that is always neccessary in a relationship but because it is neccessary in yours- as he thinks he can spend his money on luxury goods while you provide the house.

I don't want to waste my time on someone there's no long term future with, I'd rather be on my own

I agree. Get rid

There's a new social phenomenon that's actually based on the old Jane Austin principle that an increasing number of people are not actually dating the person, they are looking to marry the house. Sounds like you've got one of those OP.

You sound like a very sensible and level headed individual who knows what she wants. That is increasingly rare in today's society so don't be swayed by others who are not so clear sighted as you.

Throw this one back and let him house hunt for another gullible fool. You are far too smart to fall for a few shiny baubles.

Well, this is crap advice.

Well, this is crap advice.

Definitely. Buy a house with a man who spends all his money because he bought you two hoodies so he must like you. 🙄

Well, buy a house for a man because he's spent his on stuff.

Whilst it's nice to be bought gifts he is clearly not being thoughtful or romantic but is using the gifts as a way to try and force you to think he is a nice guy and to be grateful to him, most likely so that he can move in with you.

He's not good with money, isn't respectful of your wishes and is very manipulative.

I'd be waving goodbye to him very quickly.

I think you are right to see red flags.

He’s also not respecting what you said. You said you didn’t want loads of gifts and he did it anyway.

You have to trust your gut instinct (and not the advice of your friend who is frankly a bit silly! )

Does partly depend on what level of income he has. If he's a very high earner it's not really a lot to be spending. But I assume he isn't.
Buying a new car is always financially the wrong thing to do, it's heart over head if you do that. But a lot of people do it, and love doing it.
Anyway, does sound like your financial values are quite different, and that's hard to deal with in a relationship!

Just to be clear, I'm not about to buy a house with this man, nor have I considered doing it anytime soon. He hasn't even met my child so buying a house is miles off. But it is something I think about because I've worked so hard and sacrificed a lot to be in the position I'm in. Surly it's not that bizzare at 9 months to be thinking about the future of a relationship? If I wasn't thinking like this now I'd potentially waste years of my life before getting to that point and suddenly realising there's an issue.

I don't think 9 months is too early to be thinking about this, is my logic completely wrong? Can someone who thinks I'm mad to be thinking like this help me understand why? In my mind there's a big difference between, will I buy a house with this man one day to actually considering buying a house in the near future.

OP, no it's not mad at all. The sooner you work out if it's a go ahead or a no-go the better. Even better that your DC haven't met him yet. You don't sound desperate to move someone in which is a great position to be in, value and guard that.

Yes, that's the point of being in a relationship at the place you are at - to find out if this person is who they appear to be, and whether your values align.

You've discovered that your values do not align, and so the relationship has run its course. He won't change, and so he will use you financially.

This man would be perfect for someone who never wanted to merge homes or finances - but I somehow think he would find such a person much less attractive than someone who did want to carry him!

We are all.different. I married a man high functioning autism bought a house with him had 2 kids and he wouldn't spend nothing he wouldn't even give me money towards kids clothes. So tight with money tight with love as was the case. I show love by buying things I'm impulsive adhd doesn't help with this but it is my love language. So maybe end the relationship and find someone who doesn't spend money on you. You haven't said he's spending his bill money etc. It's his savings and he's enjoying it by buying you things. He clearly feels your worth it. He might not want to own a house. Just ask for 700 a month towards your bills and shopping

Sorry but this is a really imbalanced way of looking at the situation.

Buying people things they have specifically asked you not to buy is not a love language. Nor is it a case of everyone being different.

It's ignoring the wishes of the other person and not respecting their viewpoint. That is not love.

Also spending all your money and expecting to live for a subsidised rate at someone else's house is also not the sign of a loving person. £700 a month would be a subsidised payment. He's not a student!

Luckily the OP seems to have her head screwed on right.

@Treeinthesky Can't you see what's wrong with him spending his savings - which is mean to be used for a house deposit - on stuff for the OP that she doesn't even want? It's completely wasteful and shows he has no control over his impulses.

All this "love language" thing is rubbish. You don't have to spend a lot of money on someone to prove in some way that you love them. They should know that from the way you treat them.

First post nails it.

The valentines gifts shows he doesn’t respect your boundaries. Fair enough spending, say £50 on a £30 budget, to get a slightly nicer handbag, or the perfume cost that much, but to spend over £300!

The odd bunch of flowers is nice also, but as you say, his constant love bombing is suffocating, especially as you’ve talked about it and he still carries on (and can’t afford it) .

In all honesty they have been together 9 months and aren't planning on buying together just yet anyways. He in my opinion wants to show love in gifts as he feels op is very special and wants her to have what he can afford. Is he working or unemployed? Basically I dont think you should dump him for it but that's my opinion it's an open forum we all feel differently. My bf lives with me and no way do I want to buy a house with him this is my house and i will never buy a house with a man again so I see it differently as tbh i never want to through the stress of buying a man out again. 700 pounds is a good amount 100 a week for shopping and 300 towards bills that don't include the mortgage as that is op bill. Never share finances with any man or anyone. But again we are all different

Your head is screwed on right.

Do not let this man ever move in. He is Mr Wrong for both you and your child.

I would seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to remain in now given that he has trashed boundaries.

If you have someone else living and contributing to your house you own in your own name I hope you have some kind of financial agreement in place. Because you potentially could still end up buying him out if he contributes for long enough.

Living together 2.5 years and tbh I've had enough. He now has own flat. We looked at buying together at one point but I changed my mind. Will never ever buy with a man

It’s not his fault but it’s very hard to change unconscious values around money and you are, as you have recognised, completely incompatible.
I wouldn’t say you have to end it immediately, you could go back to casual dating and have fun knowing there isn’t a future in it.