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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he protesting too much?

38 replies

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 19:32

A few years ago, my partner (of 10 years, we don't live together) and I went to his female colleague's birthday party. He was very attentive to her, they were sitting away from everyone else lots during the evening. He was stuck to her hip. When I went to the loo, they were dancing together (the only ones on the dancefloor) and when she saw me she tugged at his elbow to get off the dance floor. When I went to sit with them at some point, they moved away. Anyway. Bottom line I felt embarrassed, and uncomortable I was drunk and angry and told him things like of all the men to behave that way it had to be him. He told me he would not have done anything with her husband there. He gave me the silent treatment for the hour journey back and the rest of the day. When I tried to talk about the evening again he shouted at me and told me we are never talking about this again. Today I was triggered by a picture painting she gave him on his herroom wall. Eventually, I asked him if there had ever been anything between them. He started calling me insane 6 times, jealous, and I don't want him to have female friends. I have never felt concern about his boundaries until that party. My question to him was what would he have done if her husband hadn't been there. He told me he doesn't want to see me. I guess I was triggered because we have never discussed that night, he dismissed me, shut me down and piled things on to me. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
cherrybluerazz · 16/02/2025 19:34

My thoughts are, I would have left him after that first night at the Party.

2025willbemytime · 16/02/2025 19:35

cherrybluerazz · 16/02/2025 19:34

My thoughts are, I would have left him after that first night at the Party.

Same.

DaringLion · 16/02/2025 19:40

Why did you stay with him after the party.

Sodthesystem · 16/02/2025 19:47

Decent partners would take the time to understand why you are feeling insecure and ralk things through and reassure you. Thus guy, is a prick.

I mean he's also a cheat.

'I wouldn't do anything, her husband is there'. He told you that day he already was cheating or, planning to try. He literally said it.

You heard it but you didn't want to.
And now he's abusive about being confronted. Of course he is.

Get out of this 'relationship'. The cheating is actually nothing in comparison to how he talks to you and gaslights you.

Life is too short. Run.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/02/2025 19:58

You will never have peace in this relationship. Never. Is that how you want to live your life?

Lmnop22 · 16/02/2025 20:10

He wouldn’t do anything whilst her husband was there?? Wtf, shouldn’t that be “I wouldn’t do anything because I’m in a relationship with you”?!

He’s basically admitted an emotional affair just with that comment alone!

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 20:11

Thank you for responding. I have been trauma bonded in this relationship but with increasing gaslighting and the fact that he is not my safe space, he doesn't have my back, doesn't give a damn about my wellbeing and basically disrespects me, I now know it needs to end. I have so much self doubt that I am working through.
From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?
Thank you

OP posts:
Neurotoxic · 16/02/2025 20:12

He wouldn't do anything with her husband there? Sounds like he's more worried about her husband than you?
He thinks he can walk all over you? He can't!
Also being all weird and flirty with another woman to the point you're that uncomfortable is a crime in itself tbh.

Bittenonce · 16/02/2025 20:31

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 20:11

Thank you for responding. I have been trauma bonded in this relationship but with increasing gaslighting and the fact that he is not my safe space, he doesn't have my back, doesn't give a damn about my wellbeing and basically disrespects me, I now know it needs to end. I have so much self doubt that I am working through.
From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?
Thank you

Anyone would challenge this. His reaction speaks volumes, he’s saying ‘I do what I want, know your place’.
Yes it needs to end, for your sake.
It’s really unhealthy.

Bittenonce · 16/02/2025 20:33

Bittenonce · 16/02/2025 20:31

Anyone would challenge this. His reaction speaks volumes, he’s saying ‘I do what I want, know your place’.
Yes it needs to end, for your sake.
It’s really unhealthy.

Edit : please don’t doubt yourself, you know it’s wrong, you know you need more respect.

Sodthesystem · 16/02/2025 20:52

I wouldn't have 'questioned' him i would have told him he was acting like a prize asshole and that tomorrow we would be sitting down to have a serious discussion about the trajectory of the relationship. Because it was on very thin ice.

Then I'd tell him I was leaving and if he wasn't going to buck up his ideas, not to bother coming home.

TheLargestToblerone · 16/02/2025 21:07

From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?

No, you were and are not unreasonable at all. I think you would be unreasonable to yourself to carry on questioning him about it, but only because he has shown you that he is a nasty little prick and you are going to drive yourself mad trying to get something out of him. I suppose you want either reassurance or you want an admission, so that you can justify staying or leaving. He is not going to give you either of those things because he is a turd. You don't need to justify leaving based on his inappropriate behaviour at the party. You can and should leave him because he is an arsehole who treats you like shit. Thank god you don't live with him.

FamilyFool · 16/02/2025 21:24

So you went to a party together. He was joined at the hip with another woman and only stopped his behaviour because her husband was there?
He has not thought or cared about you one jot!! He has ignored you and actively sidelined you in front of everyone. What a prick.
Save your dignity and dump him for your sanity.
You can do a lot better. Take control and dump asap! Asshole.

2025willbemytime · 16/02/2025 21:27

I think you should stop looking for answers you're not going to get and start making plans to leave.

theboffinsarecoming · 16/02/2025 21:57

You are not unreasonable now, and you weren't then either.

The only unreasonable thing you could possibly do is to stay with him after this. He treats you like dirt, and you don't live together so just end it now and stop wasting your precious life on such a lying, gaslighting bastard.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/02/2025 04:39

I wouldn't have even bothered to question his behaviour at the party. I'd have just left him there and then.

He's a creep. He's shagging this woman.

He's horrible to you.

Why are you with him?

daisychain01 · 17/02/2025 04:57

You'll feel immeasurably better about life when you kick this one to the curb - he's dragging you down and blunting your happiness, so do it today, don't delay a moment longer. Take care.

Dolamroth · 17/02/2025 05:02

You are unreasonable to still be with him. He doesn't bring anything good to your life. Dump the prick and go out with someone who actually likes you.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 17/02/2025 05:27

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 20:11

Thank you for responding. I have been trauma bonded in this relationship but with increasing gaslighting and the fact that he is not my safe space, he doesn't have my back, doesn't give a damn about my wellbeing and basically disrespects me, I now know it needs to end. I have so much self doubt that I am working through.
From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?
Thank you

Imo you were unreasonable to stay in the relationship after the party

niadainud · 17/02/2025 05:32

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 20:11

Thank you for responding. I have been trauma bonded in this relationship but with increasing gaslighting and the fact that he is not my safe space, he doesn't have my back, doesn't give a damn about my wellbeing and basically disrespects me, I now know it needs to end. I have so much self doubt that I am working through.
From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?
Thank you

Of course you weren't unreasonable to question it, but you are unreasonable to stay in a relationship that requires this amount of jargon to describe it.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 17/02/2025 05:44

Dolamroth · 17/02/2025 05:02

You are unreasonable to still be with him. He doesn't bring anything good to your life. Dump the prick and go out with someone who actually likes you.

This ^^ please. @Mottledhellibore! You are worth so much more than this, and luckily as you don't live together, you have no worries about whether you can afford to pay bills etc without him. You are getting another chance at having a much better, and happier life in the future. So please grab this opportunity with both hands! I feel certain that you will look back at this time in your life, and actually even be a bit grateful that he was such a shit, otherwise you could have wasted far too many years putting up with his revolting and immature behaviour. xx

Shoxfordian · 17/02/2025 05:51

I hope he's your ex now, he would have been that night if I'd been dating him. Don't tolerate this disrespect

Motnight · 17/02/2025 06:18

He told me he would not have done anything with her husband there.

That's your answer. It's not a good one, but it's very clear

Lavenderblossoms · 17/02/2025 06:47

Mottledhellibore · 16/02/2025 20:11

Thank you for responding. I have been trauma bonded in this relationship but with increasing gaslighting and the fact that he is not my safe space, he doesn't have my back, doesn't give a damn about my wellbeing and basically disrespects me, I now know it needs to end. I have so much self doubt that I am working through.
From what I've said would any of you think that I was unreasonable to question his behaviour at the party?
Thank you

Regardless of trauma bond, you need to get out of there. It's the boiling frog analogy.

You don't need us to tell you that his behaviour was wrong. You already know it was. His reaction to that has told you all you need to know.

Start making moves to end this relationship. Because it isn't one.

He doesn't love or respect you. Not in the way he should. He shouts at you because he is trying to train you to accept his bad behaviour. He will kick up a fuss anytime you mention it to stop you going on. Even though you are in the right!

Leave him as soon as you can. No man is worth this.

Mottledhellibore · 17/02/2025 10:30

Thank you for your comments. You have helped me because of your objectivity to my story .There is so much I have put up with, with this man. I know why but now I have the strength to move forward with much more love for myself. I feel no sentiment because the disrespect and hurt have impacted me more than the nice times of the breadcrumbs he threw me. Maybe the tears will come. But I will not be going back to being disrespected and mistreated. Thank you again

OP posts: