Why do people cheat?

[CM97]

Just wondering really, it is completely wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for people who do cheat but there must be reasons people do this rather than leave...keeping options open maybe? I

Loads of reasons.
Selfishness
Cheap thrills
Boredom
Cowardice (not happy but not willing to leave)
Lust
Love. I guess. But the kind where you don't love them enough to want to lose what you've currently got so you want both.
Fear of change
Because they want to and they can

And so on.

There's never a positive reason to have an affair where it makes you the good guy. Oh my you had an affair? What a generous and thoughtful thing to do. It's always a selfish thing to do.

My marriage ended because of an affair on ex wife's part. Classic story I suppose, been together a long time, I had put a huge amount of weight on, had no interest in things, stress of life and kids etc.Suddenly she got close to a guy we'd known for a long time and that was it.
I accept my part in it all if I'm honest

I think fundamentally people cheat as they are not happy(could be many reasons) in their current relationship.

I think in a LTR it’s easy to take your OH for granted or for your conversations to be mainly functional.

I'm sorry you went through this and hope you are happier now. I think this is what I'm wondering about really... I don't agree with cheating at all but I do wonder if there are two sides to it.

Attention seeking and then getting away with it is presume

My ex husband has something wrong with him. He cannot accept that you do not live eternally in the honeymoon phase. He wanted sex multiple times a day. He liked the chase. He had goodness knows how many affairs that I found out about after he left. Nobody was off his radar. Even his one friend's elderly mother and my own sister in law. He was disgusting.

The last OW, who he left for, said to mutual friends that he'd never cheat or leave her. I know he cheated on her with yet another person while he lived with her and was still married to me! I doubt he'll ever stop. It's the very air that he breathes. It's a personality disorder.

I think it's quite sad when the person who is cheated on is left feeling they are to blame in some way because their partner cheated on them. It's a common theme on MN.
I don't know if your ex talked to you about her concerns over the problems in your relationship. But that is the adult thing do: to talk to your partner about the relationship. And if things don't improve then leave.
Cheating is never an acceptable option and you are not to blame for her going down that route.

Yes very much in a better place. It was 10 years ago and I'm 10 stone lighter and engaged to a wonderful woman.
My boys are older and I see them all the time and always did to be honest

Reasons vary but I think they are unfulfilled with the current relationship, don't have the guts to end it or with the person because they feel they have a sense of duty to stay with them, they don't want to hurt them but they've made it a whole lot worse when they cheat and get found out!. Or some instances where it was a drunken opportunity, they didn't set out to cheat but a night out led to it.
With some, player types, have no empathy for their victims and enjoy the thrill .

I cheated because I was flattered. It was the stupidest thing I could have done. I regret it hugely.

The guy was younger and fitter than my husband. Such a cliche. He wasn't anywhere near the personality though. He was pretty thick.

But yeah that's my reason. Sex.

For anyone wondering I broke it off and confessed to my husband.

My ex cheated online for a few months from the comfort of his own room. It's all for the thrill. He was secretly gambling and doing coke too. It's all under the same thrill seeking crap.

My sister came across him on twitter a while ago and he has a new gf in his pic yet is following around 30 porn pages on twitter. They never change 😂

Depends if they are happy in their primary relationship. If they're not, it's to gain something they're missing.

If they are happy and still cheat, it's because they are selfish and entitled.

Some people are just never satisfied

Did he forgive you?

Ego, selfishness, greed. I’m thinking of Bro types here.

Sometimes though, I think something chemical happens between two people and they literally can’t stop it.

Sound like you're involved with a married person to me.
People xheat because they're selfish and entitled. It takes a certain person to look their partner in the eye and lie. I don't believe there are 2 sides to the story. Cheating is wrong and those who do cheat are scum ( very raw for me still)

They want their cake and to eat it

My ex cheated because he didn’t feel loved- he had multiple women he was talking to, exchanging photos with, going to see. And he was in “relationships” with me and 2 other women. It all came out in the end.

I don’t believe he was a bad person. He had a fucked up childhood and lost his mum in the pre teen years. His dad wasn’t around. He was shoved off to boarding school in different country and left there. he didn’t believe that he could be loved. He was essentially searching for someone to fill the void his mum had left and for self love.

I think for him it was options in a way- always knowing that he would have someone to fall back on- someone who loved him.

It boils down to: because they can. The rest is window dressing.

I think it’s a variety of reasons, several at once.

Weak willed, selfish, don’t care about the other person, self-centred, unhappy, depressed, need attention, perhaps they do it for the thrill & they know they can get away with it, some people get off on having affairs, good at lying, feel they are entitled, more sex, etc

The thing I can’t get my head round is how cheaters can lie so brazenly. You’re looking at your partner in the eye everyday, living a lie, sneaking around like a teenager (cringe), basically living a 2nd life, isn’t it exhausting and stressful?

I don’t like this word, but I would immediately get ‘the ick’ and all respect would go flying out of the door.

Ego boost.

Cheap thrills.

Excitement.

I don't think it's particularly complex.

Avoiding reality.

Naturally dishonest and lacking in integrity.

Abusive.

Don't like / love their current partner but lack the courage to end it. Or enjoy deceiving them. Think it makes them look clever.

Because they choose to.

I had an affair because I fell in love with somebody else. My ex husband was controlling, nasty, lazy and made me feel extremely small. Our marriage had broken down and become toxic, yet I didn’t have the strength to break up my family without a ‘real’ reason. The affair came to light and we are still together now, happily. I’m certainly not proud of the time in my life or of my cowardice.

@Sleepyquest yes he did. I was very lucky. This was years ago and we are really very happy. I went for loads of therapy - it was a very dark time.

Again I was VERY lucky that my husband never held it against me. Never brings it up - wasn't paranoid or phone checking etc. he is a really good guy.

I think MN would have advised him to leave me and find someone better but neither of us regrets staying together.

This one post doesn't really do it justice - I make it sound like I didn't risk everything and we lived happily ever after.