Why do people cheat?

[CM97]

Just wondering really, it is completely wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for people who do cheat but there must be reasons people do this rather than leave...keeping options open maybe? I

Oh you sweet summer child

@superplumb oh gosh no... my ex cheated on me 13 years ago. I'm 53 and happily single.

All of the various excuses to do it boil down to selfishness.

Isn't sometimes just lack of sex, you have married woman in here saying they don't want sex or their husband doesn't then the person not getting it is going to feel unloved, unattractive and be susceptible to cheating.

Everyone knows that men rarely leave a relationship without having someone else lined up first. Cheating is a form of dating while still in a relationship. They don’t want to leave to be on their own, they want to string you along until they have someone better lined up and ready to go. Harsh but true.

Yeah, this. Opportunity and availability of willing participants.

Men in my experience are more likely to be cake eaters. They want the stability and security of marriage and the family home and life, but they also want the thrill and hot sex on the side. Men don't seem to usually set out on affairs with the intention to leave their wives, they're often given the boot after being caught, or they are given an ultimatum by an OW fed up of being strung along. Women are more likely to have "exit affairs" IME.

I had a ONS when I was 24 and had been married a year. I cheated because I was very unhappy in the relationship and lacked the communication and relationship skills to address it with my exh. I also didn't realise that it was permissable to leave a relationship for reasons other than physical abuse, as my parents stayed together in a toxic relationship for decadesand that'sall i knew about relationships. I fancied my colleague and instead of avoiding him I put myself in situations where something could happen. It was impulsive, not calculated, and I slept with him when the opportunity arose, and ended things with my exh the next day. I felt huge guilt for at least 15 years before I was able to process it properly and move on, and I made a point of learning about boundaries and communication within relationships. Exh never knew I cheated.

Because life is never black and white quite simply
I just cannot grasp these people who think it’s as simple as if you’re not happy you leave. There are so many reasons in reality this can’t actually happen. You must have had a very blessed existence if you think it’s that simple

I’ve been cheated on and cheated too a lonnnnng time ago.
first guy cheated on me because the OW was more fun, a ‘cool girl’. I used to be the ‘cool girl’ but sadly lost my sheen because I became very ill and stopped having sex with him.
I do accept my failures now in that relationship but it took me a long time to see it.

Second - he cheated first although I couldn’t prove it. All of the same signs as previous guy, too close to a lady at work, suddenly not coming home at night after work do’s, endlessly critiquing me etc.
My life was much more tied to second guy (owned a home together) and instead of getting sad I got angry, and ended up cheating on him back. I ended the relationship the next day.
Im not proud at all that I stooped to that level and would never do it again.

I think escapism is a massive factor in why people cheat. Escape from themselves (from the person they’ve become,) escape from a boring/sexless/loveless marriage. Escape from the humdrum of the daily grind. Escape from feeling undesirable all the time.

To know that someone desires you is a powerful aphrodisiac. Someone who looks at you with fresh eyes and sees you as a sexual/attractive human being. Imagine how that becomes very hard to resist say, for someone living in a sexless marriage.

There is also some argument that we are not naturally monogamous- or to be more exact, we are monogamous for a certain length of time before we then seek a new sexual partner.

@sexlesshusbandwoes

Agree 💯

The reasons for affairs are many and varied.

No one ever got dragged away from a happy marriage/relationship, so affairs usually suggest problems to start with.

Because they can. Because being married / in a ltr does not make people immune to being attracted to other people, and some are too weak-willed or immoral to resist the temptation. Why don't they leave? Because they want the security / lifestyle of being married, and don't want to turn their life upside down or go through an expensive divorce. Surely this is pretty obvious? (Clearly there are certain cases where it's more forgivable.)

A thoroughly recommend listening to "The State of Affairs by Ester Peral"

I got it on audible after my marriage broke down due to his infidelity.

Great book

This is no me excusing anything by the way it’s just trying to explain

We do have the power to choose

Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies abusing another person. Lying, deceiving, gaslighting is abuse. Nobody thinks it’s easy to just leave a marriage, long term relationship or family if you’re unhappy. What they should do is get honest, say they are unhappy, say why they are unhappy and give their side of the story. Issues in the relationship agreed on both sides (the unhappy person won’t have been perfect in the marriage, either) and strategies agreed and implemented. No change? Then honestly accept that the relationship is over. Easy? No. Honest and the decent thing to do? Absolutely.
The easy option is to say nothing, lie, cheat, be the one making all the choices whilst denying your partner any agency because they don’t know what’s going on, then blindside them either because they find you out, or you’ve already feathered your nest with an affair partner so you dump your partner and run away with your affair partner. Easy to leave if you’re unhappy? No. But it doesn’t mean honesty isn’t the right way to go, it always is.
It astonishes me how hard it is to leave if you’re just unhappy, but how easy it apparently is for that same person to abruptly leave when they’ve lined up somebody else.
Life isn’t black or white, but right and wrong is.
Cheating? Universally accepted as wrong.
Honesty in relationships? Universally accepted as right.
The morality of it all really is that simple.
What cheaters find difficult is the courage to be honest, and thus they find mending or leaving relationships difficult, which is why they find cheating far easier.

I cheated because I was selfish, unhappy, insecure, thrilled seeking and, ultimately, ill-suited to long term relationships.
It's not something I'm at all proud of and my past is contributory to why I have stayed single and celibate since I left my marriage 7 years ago.

Because they want 3rd party sex but are too cowardly to own up.

Or because the 3rd party isn't offering to cook their meals, care for their dcs, pay half the mortgage and put up with their hideous mother. They want to keep all of the home comforts, and shag on the side.

Very interesting thread.

It's not just because there selfish bastards and don't have values, this thread just shows it goes deeper

I agree with this re. some men - but I do wonder about their parents and how they were brought up. My DS would get such an earful from me if he hurt his wife like this. My exH (his dad) behaved appallingly but I think it was a mid life crisis of huge proportions. I can only hope I’ve put the time in to instill morals but time will tell.

This isn't true. I know people who were in really happy relationships but got presented with an offer from a third party and had an affair. In one case (my bf), the man had everything - regular sex, support, a wife that probably did too much around the home and adored him - but he'd just had a big success at work and felt he deserved a reward. So he shagged his junior assistant, who'd been making cow eyes at him for months. Pure selfishness and entitlement, as he'd always felt a bit nerdy and was flattered that someone hot was coming on to him. Ironically, he'd spent the previous year criticising his cousin, who'd destroyed his marriage thanks to having an affair. I couldn't believe it!