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Original poster

Child contact advice

27 replies

MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 18:53

My children’s father would like to have contact with them again 2 years no contact, what is the best way to go about this as I’m not sure how best to start it again? I would need to be there at first but how long for? Where should they meet? He tried to invite them to the cinema but I don’t think that’s right for a first meet as can't really talk. I told him I want them to build up contact again slowly with them on the phone first with the older ones? what should I tell my younger child as she doesn’t really remember him. Has anyone been in this situation reintroducing contact with the father after a few years? how did it go and how did you restart it?

OP posts:
2025HereWeGo · 15/02/2025 19:30

How old are the children?
Could you maybe suggest some mediation for you both to get together and agree on a process on how you slowly reintroduce him to your children’s lives? If he’s serious about the issue he will work with you on this.
Be prepared for your children to be let down - going through something similar myself.

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 19:40

I'd rather sort it between us I think

OP posts:
ForgettingMeNot · 15/02/2025 19:49

How old are the kids, it's makes a difference imho

Snorlaxo · 15/02/2025 19:50

How old are the kids?If they are like secondary age then it’s up to them

Snorlaxo · 15/02/2025 19:52

Do you have some photos that you can show the younger child - especially ones with her siblings? That might help make him real.

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 20:07

Kids are aged between 13 and 7. 7 year old doesn't remember him much as he was not consistent before that and has only seen her around 5 times. I do have a couple of pics not many.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 20:13

Why now?. What has changed?.

What do your children think?.

If he was not consistent before why would he be consistent now?. Your children have been through a lot already and they do not need him coming and potentially leaving their day to day lives.

If he is indeed that serious about seeing them then he should consider using a contact centre.

outerspacepotato · 15/02/2025 20:13

It should be a type of step up contact. First, phone calls and add in a bit of Face time, then some supervised visits. Stepping up depends on children's response. How old are your kids?

Um, no to having him take a child or children out alone as their first contact on 2 years. What is he thinking?

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 22:49

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 20:13

Why now?. What has changed?.

What do your children think?.

If he was not consistent before why would he be consistent now?. Your children have been through a lot already and they do not need him coming and potentially leaving their day to day lives.

If he is indeed that serious about seeing them then he should consider using a contact centre.

I don't think anything has changed maybe he has just grown up a bit. He finds contact hard to stick to but he is now willing to have them overnight so he says (never has before) so maybe that's why obviously not straight away..

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 23:05

I'd bet he's fot a new girlfriend and wants to pretend he's a good dad.

I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off tbh. Let him go through legal channels if he really wants access. He can prove it.

The 13 year old can make their own mind up regarding contact. Don't force rhem into anything. And be clear 'he might disappear again. The only thing you can rely on with someone who vanished for years on you is they will likely let you down again in future. So whilst I understand if you want to see him again I also dint want you to have high expectations. I don't want you to get hurt'.

Dunno whu you're mentioning overnights. He isn't entitled to overnights with a child he barely knows. Not until he's proven he will be there perminantly and behave like a decent man woth them.

As pp said, do mediation. Don't handle it yourself. Because you haven't been through this before. You need someone to work with you both.

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 23:08

Sodthesystem · 15/02/2025 23:05

I'd bet he's fot a new girlfriend and wants to pretend he's a good dad.

I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off tbh. Let him go through legal channels if he really wants access. He can prove it.

The 13 year old can make their own mind up regarding contact. Don't force rhem into anything. And be clear 'he might disappear again. The only thing you can rely on with someone who vanished for years on you is they will likely let you down again in future. So whilst I understand if you want to see him again I also dint want you to have high expectations. I don't want you to get hurt'.

Dunno whu you're mentioning overnights. He isn't entitled to overnights with a child he barely knows. Not until he's proven he will be there perminantly and behave like a decent man woth them.

As pp said, do mediation. Don't handle it yourself. Because you haven't been through this before. You need someone to work with you both.

No chance of that, if he had a new gf he wouldn't want to see them, he is more the type of man that wouldnt want to see them if he had a new gf trust me 😂 he already told me he doesn't tell women he has kids so I don't believe it that. He has no family so no one that would grass him up

OP posts:
Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 23:10

Also it was not me mentioning other nights it was him he has struggled with contact because (his reasons) he lives too far and can't have them overnight so he has claimed to struggle coming down to take them out in the past. Now he has claiming he has sorted his living situation and can take them overnight.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 16/02/2025 00:24

MarshmallowFluf · 15/02/2025 23:08

No chance of that, if he had a new gf he wouldn't want to see them, he is more the type of man that wouldnt want to see them if he had a new gf trust me 😂 he already told me he doesn't tell women he has kids so I don't believe it that. He has no family so no one that would grass him up

Show quote history

Based on that, your red flags should be waving. He'll drop the kids the second they aren't convenient.

Why is he suddenly interested in overnights?
Did he lead with that?
I small a rat. He's not doing this for them, be sure of that.

Is he paying child support? So wants overnights so he can reduce the amount he pays?

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 16/02/2025 00:41

No he doesn't pay anything so it wouldn't be for that reason.

OP posts:
2025HereWeGo · 16/02/2025 06:42

So this inconsistent man dips in and out of his kids lives, drops them like unwanted toys when a new girlfriend is on the scene, doesn’t pay child support and now suddenly expects everyone to jump?!
I’d tell him where to go OP. It sounds like you’re doing a good job on your own with no support or respect from this ‘man’. Don’t let him f*uck your kids heads up.

KillSwitch · 16/02/2025 07:00

My ex hasn't seen our son in 3 years, (coincidentally since his new child was born) but he did make the huge effort of two phone calls a year on his birthday and Christmas. Recently I was notified that my maintenance payments would be going down as he is now paying maintenance for another child and funnily enough he started asking for more phone calls! I told him he could call our son once a week to start with and we could reassess if that goes well - reader, it lasted two weeks. When he popped back up again like nothing had happened I told him where to stick it - over the years I've been more than accommodating and all he's done is let our son down. I've told him to go down the legal route now. Men like this don't care about anyone but themselves and I'd hazard a guess that if you told your ex to stick to a routine like I did, he wouldn't be able to keep it up for very long.

Jayinthetub · 16/02/2025 07:09

How well do you know him now? You don't seem very aware of his circumstances/living situation? Do you maintain any contact with him? As pp have said, firstly I'd want to know what's changed to make him so interested after 2 years which is a long time.

Assuming you're not worried about any risks he might pose, you could start with talking to the children about it, seeing how they feel and if they want to progress this, phone calls/FaceTime before meeting him. Ideally their first contact would also involve you to support - thinking park, afternoon out, going for a meal - something that only lasts a couple of hours. Then see how the kids feel about it before progressing to him taking them on his own for a couple of hours. Overnight should come at their pace, if they want this. If it was me, I'd also want to see his home and where they'd be sleeping.

Good luck OP 😊

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 16/02/2025 11:50

See this is confusing me as recently I was told it was good he wants to see them again after 2 years and better late than never! So thought I would give it a try again seeing as how it's "good" he wants to see them again. I think he just mentioned that he was able to have them overnight now as that was always a source of annoyance between us as he wouldn't have them overnight he would only come down here to see them but it wasn't working as he found it hard to stick to so I felt if he had his own place to take them to it would work better. I would probably need to check on that as he once asked if they could all fit in a double bed 🤔 but no we haven't bad contact in 2 years.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 16/02/2025 11:59

Who is telling you unreservedly that it's good he wants to see them? It's only good if he can be trusted to not bugger off again - which past experience would suggest is unlikely. Otherwise it is just messing with your childrens' emotions. He sounds like a real deadbeat, and I wouldn't rule out letting him take you to court for contact.

He needs to prove he is serious, and so at the very least I'd be wanting him to start paying for them, and to sort out a contact centre. Nothing like money to flush out how serious he is.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 16/02/2025 12:08

Go to CMS online and apply for maintenance. Why wouldn't you?

Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 16/02/2025 12:28

I posted about it on here when he got back in contact and I was unsure about restarting contact and people told me it was good he wants to see them again and better late than never.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarshmallowFluf · 16/02/2025 12:28

SchrodingersTwat2 · 16/02/2025 12:08

Go to CMS online and apply for maintenance. Why wouldn't you?

He doesn't work

OP posts:
SchrodingersTwat2 · 16/02/2025 13:09

MarshmallowFluf · 16/02/2025 12:28

He doesn't work

Show quote history

Ok, apply and get £7 a week from his benefits.

Make him pay for the contact centre.

This notion will soon fizzle out and you can then get back to enjoying your lives without this waste man.

ChonkyRabbit · 16/02/2025 13:13

He's almost certainly going to disappear again so I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate contact. A trip to the cinema sounds fine. Overnights do not sound fine - it might give you a break but how horrible for the children, especially the youngest.

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 13:15

With the older child they must be part of the decision, but in both cases gradual is important. For a first meeting, a quieter public space where he can sit and talk to the dc and they will feel comfortable eg McDonald's not at lunch time for instance, you can sit elsewhere, not so close to hear but close enough that your dc can fetch you if not comfortable. A park is another space that would work, especially for the younger. Stress to your ex that the activity isn't necessary, they need to get to know him so talking is important.

After initial contact and once they are ok then places like the bowling alley, mini golf or other non quiet area will work. Cinema really is the least suitable but I suspect he just didn't think that through.