Leave ASAP, I know it’s tough, but I wish someone had told me what I now know. I left it far too late and have put myself into a precarious financial situation because I am close(ish) to retirement and will not be able to earn sufficient to replenish the coffers. What seems likely to be a reasonable retirement when joint is peanuts when funds halve and needs to fund two homes and two sets of bills.
Maybe have one last ditch attempt, sex therapy, whatever you feel may help. I am only really saying this because it might give you some comfort to think you have tried everything possible, not that I think it will necessarily help. My husband had tablets for ED, and would let me know he had picked up the latest supply, but he never took them. They would be ‘accidentally forgotten’ when we went away, or not appear to be working (he hadn’t taken them) at home. Over 20 years I must have thrown away 50 packets of unopened, out of date tablets. I eventually realised that despite what he said, he would never actually want sex with me, or I think with anyone.
Try throwing some money and time at the problem, because it will be cheaper than funding a divorce, and if that is all that is wrong with your relationship and you can right it then that’s fab. Set a time limit, and stick to it. I tried everything, let things drift, wanted our three children (sex stopped immediately once he got his three children) to all get through Uni and have houses etc, before I rocked the boat, but if you have children they will be upset whenever you split up, and mine still don’t have houses, but I was so desperately unhappy I couldn’t continue the lie anymore. At some point you have to think about you.
‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’
I found the poem The Summer Day by Mary Oliver, this quote is the last line. I copied it out endlessly, put it in my wallet, bags, coat pockets etc. I’m not sure it’s quite the context that she had in mind, but it spoke to me and eventually acted. Don’t believe that his persona that you have lived with will be how he goes forward with separation. My quiet, unassuming husband has been a total bastard about money and the divorce, so much so I was advised to leave the marital home for my own safety.
So I have left, and I am not living a wild life as I don’t have the money to do that, sorry Mary Oliver, but I am living my life, and who knows where that will take me. I no longer have the daily reminder of all those years of rejection hanging over me.
Ha, you probably wish now that you hadn’t asked the question, having this essay foist onto your thread!