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Original poster

AIBU? Time as a parent

36 replies

Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 16:54

DP announced this week that he wants to start a playing for a football team on a Sunday but "won't play every week". Fast forward to today and I ask to confirm whether he's planning to play every week and suddenly the goal post has changed and he said he might be.

Context around the rest of our family life -we have a small child at home, both of us work full time but due to his travel time he's out of the house from 6am until 6.30pm so the lions share of childcare/chores mid week is done by me.

Mid week he has a hobby he does on Tuesday evenings, and he works late Wednesday evenings so is home around 8pm.

Weekends he tends to work at least 2 of them per month.

AIBU to be feeling frustrated about his announcement, which will mean he's out from roughly 9am until 1pm every Sunday too?

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 15/02/2025 16:56

It wouldn’t bother me but if you are unhappy tell him

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 17:08

@Motheranddaughter I have told him that I don't think it's very fair load wise and that it wasn't supposed to be every week.

He's thrown his toys out the pram to be honest and said fine he won't play at all then. Which wasn't the aim of my conversation at all. Again I've explained to him that he's taken what I've said out of context and is being rash but now we're not speaking and I feel bad

OP posts:
JoeySchoolOfActing · 15/02/2025 17:15

If he has a hobby on Tuesday evenings and Sunday mornings, do you have a similar amount of time to do hobbies?

It would bother me if I didn't have a similar amount of time as him for hobbies.
Also the misleading info about it not being every week but in fact it will be.

If you do extra childcare and housework while he is working, but you both sit down at roughly the same time in the evening, that is fair in one sense. But not fair in the sense that you do more of the boring grunt work at home which can cause resentment.

JoeySchoolOfActing · 15/02/2025 17:16

Definitely don't feel bad.

He said football wouldn't be every week, now he is saying it might be.

That needs to be discussed so don't feel bad for doing that.

Spottedplant · 15/02/2025 17:39

It's the way you are stepping back in the face of him.being grumpy that I would.watch. Why should he be grumpy and not speaking to you? Why are you not more assertive and asking for a different plan and an apology?

"DH, you're proposing being out every Sunday. You already leave me with child's dinner and tidying up on x number of days a week (only say this if you are in fact doing more total work, eg doing more than him even after he gets home, he can't help the commute). You already have an evening off a week. You can't help having to work half the weekends but the net effect is that I'm working those days too - as I am default childcare and can't have a rest. Why are you the one being grumpy with me? I'm the one who should be annoyed, as your work pattern means we have very little free time between us and you are proposing bagsie-ing it all for yourself."

"OK fine, I won't do anything then! (Flounce)"

"Yeah that might be wise, until LO is a bit older. Great, glad we talked".

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 17:43

I don't have any hobbies or things that I do regularly any more. I used to go to the gym regularly and had a music group I attended but everything has just fizzled out as life got busier with work/parenting as I found it really hard to keep on top of everything.

I don't want him to not have any hobbies or things/activities for himself, but I did want some kind of acknowledgement that most of the parental and mental load is down to me and a conversation around how we might be able to make sure that doesn't get even more imbalanced with half of every Sunday now written off too

OP posts:
Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 17:46

@Spottedplant that's pretty much word for work how the conversation haha, were you eavesdropping?

Even down to me saying it will be easier when LO is a bit older. His response there was that when she's older he will be too old to play football

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 17:50

Is he working weekends because he needs to catch up, or are they paid scheduled days?

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 17:51

@JimHalpertsWife the team he works in all take it in turns to work weekends as the job is so busy

OP posts:
JoeySchoolOfActing · 15/02/2025 18:03

So you point out reasonably that his proposal isn't fair and he gets annoyed and gives you the silent treatment?

You are most definitely NBU.

I totally understand why your hobbies fizzled out, what you are doing is exhausting. Then on top of that having your DP not appreciate what you do and why you are unhappy to have him go and do another hobby while you are left stuck at home, that is even more draining.

You both do a lot in terms of work but he should be making space for you to have a hobby/interest outside of the home.

Motheranddaughter · 15/02/2025 18:07

Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 17:08

@Motheranddaughter I have told him that I don't think it's very fair load wise and that it wasn't supposed to be every week.

He's thrown his toys out the pram to be honest and said fine he won't play at all then. Which wasn't the aim of my conversation at all. Again I've explained to him that he's taken what I've said out of context and is being rash but now we're not speaking and I feel bad

i would leave him to stew

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:12

I used to go to the gym regularly and had a music group I attended but everything has just fizzled out as life got busier with work/parenting as I found it really hard to keep on top of everything

I think you should say this to him. He has taken the tuesdays as his hobby evening, and before you and he can even work out where you can add in a hobby evening he wants another day too.

Find out when the music group meets and tell him you are taking that time and he needs to be home for the dc.

Then, agree with him that every Sunday morning he takes for football, you switch when he is home and you get the Sunday afternoon for gym /swim etc.

Phineyj · 15/02/2025 18:18

What @JimHalpertsWife's says.

Is your child a girl? You can also add that it's important you as a couple push back against structural sexism such as assuming women's time is of less value than men's. No-one can say no to that without looking like a twat whatever they may secretly believe.

So his job isn't weekend work required as such, just too much to fit in an already very long week? I hope at least it pays excellently...

Maybe make a visual timetable for the whole 24/7. I had to do this for a teaching job post maternity once when they kept adding extra things and there genuinely were no more hours. The Head was a decent woman, gulped a bit and took a couple of duties off me!

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 18:22

@Motheranddaughter that's my plan, I'm running a bath and then plan to spend the evening doing some much needed pampering. Funniest part of this story is that we actually have a child free night/morning for the first time since September tonight. So him stropping and saying he won't play football tomorrow is so pointless as I won't have any kids to look after when I wake up 😂🙈

OP posts:
Phineyj · 15/02/2025 18:25

Sometimes when DH and I are around other couples the guy is outrageously entitled with taking all the time or being pathetic about household tasks and DH says to me afterwards "I know that's not OK!"

We haven't got a perfect relationship or anything but he gets it.

RickiRaccoon · 15/02/2025 18:26

It's clearly not an even split. It comes down to that you have a certain amount of non-work time in which you need to care for your home and child and how much are you prepared or mentally able to cover the unequal split. If you're not, you both need to negotiate it.

Does he feel like he absolutely needs both the Tues and Sun hobbies for his health and wellbeing? If he does, he needs to be prepared to allow you a similar break (eg Mon and Sat plus probably a little more because his extra commute and Wed and weekend work is already putting more childcare on you).

I'd also be questioning if the money your DH is getting is worth the commute and long Wed and weekend work? If not, he should look at changing jobs for better work/life balance.

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 18:26

@JimHalpertsWife I like the idea of proposing a switch, most definitely. If I'm completely honest mid week by the time it gets to bed time I'm so mentally tired I've become quite lazy in carving out time for myself. Once the LO is in bed I have to think about tidying, laundry, cooking dinner etc but maybe I'll take Sunday afternoon to just do something I want to do

@Phineyj yes LO is a girl, I also have an older boy from a previous relationship which again throws extra responsibilities/hobbies into the mix when juggling his too. DP will taxi to and from hobbies when he's available to help but Sunday is one of the days my son has places to be

OP posts:
Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:26

Sounds to me like he’s got it made. You are carrying way more of the parental load by a long chalk. With his long commute and working 2 weekends in 4 I’m afraid he doesn’t have time for a hobby that takes him out of the house for a day every weekend he isn’t working.

Cheeky bastard.

Loubelou71 · 15/02/2025 18:27

I think don't get mad get even. For every evening and weekend morning you do the same so you get out Wednesday evening then when he gets home on Sunday. He'll soon understand where you're coming from.

JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:27

Do you cook dinner every evening?

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 18:29

@JimHalpertsWife mostly or we order food in if we're (I'm) too tired. Again this is a horrible habit I'm working to get out of

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:32

He really needs to take on a couple of dinners - he could do a quick pasta and sauce with precooked prawns when he gets home on a Thursday, and then cook a fresh dinner on a Saturday evening. It's not on for you to do this all.

Original poster
Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 18:32

@rickiraccoon he has said he will do one or the other each week, but the new football team train on a Wednesday so I'm already pre-emptively expecting that Tuesdays hobby will just move to being Wednesday training for the new team.

His job pays well, we earn a fairly balanced amount. E.G neither earns a good deal more or less than the other. Finances are split 50/50. He is working towards a promotion which will hopefully see him move towards being paid a fair amount more than I do annually.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 15/02/2025 18:33

How will he do Wednesday hobby if he works late on Weds?

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:34

Loupyloula98765 · 15/02/2025 18:32

@rickiraccoon he has said he will do one or the other each week, but the new football team train on a Wednesday so I'm already pre-emptively expecting that Tuesdays hobby will just move to being Wednesday training for the new team.

His job pays well, we earn a fairly balanced amount. E.G neither earns a good deal more or less than the other. Finances are split 50/50. He is working towards a promotion which will hopefully see him move towards being paid a fair amount more than I do annually.

What so you want to bet that the promotion will involve even longer hours, hmm?🤔