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Original poster

Weird message from friend - follow up thread

42 replies

ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 08:01

Last night I posted a thread regarding a message I received from a friend regarding my pregnancy which had made me uncomfortable, asking for advice on how to respond. I posted it late and then went to sleep. I can see that 29 people responded but unfortunately MN have hidden the thread, so I can't read and respond. I'm not sure why someone would have reported it as it didn't contain anything controversial and it was a genuine incident (I use MN frequently but changed my username for the post).

Thank you to anyone who did take the time to respond and hopefully MN will republish so I can read your suggestions, as I've woken up still feeling shitty about it all!

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 15/02/2025 08:02

Unfortunately I think your thread got hijacked with sick images, so it was hidden/deleted.

SofaSpuds · 15/02/2025 08:06

SoScarletItWas · 15/02/2025 08:02

Unfortunately I think your thread got hijacked with sick images, so it was hidden/deleted.

That's terrible. Was it the same photo troll again?

Just saw you can't upload photos again.... ffs MN, sort it out!!

@ButchCassidysSundanceKid start a new thread. Unfortunately yours probably won't be back if it has inappropriate images.
Hope you're OK. 💐

Original poster
ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 08:27

@SoScarletItWas thanks for letting me know. What is wrong with people? I'll share a quick summary again here rather than starting a new thread in the hope it gets picked up.

Background: I'm currently pregnant from IVF after years of unexplained infertility. Over half way through the pregnancy now. Around the same time I was going through my own infertility experiences, my best friend sadly learned that she's unable to have children. I've tried to tread carefully with her during my treatment; she knew I was having IVF but I didn't discuss the process with her. When I reached 12 weeks, I confirmed with her that I was pregnant via text before telling any other friends, and I never instigate pregnancy chat with her, I'll only share info if she asks questions first.

Yesterday I posted a message in a group chat we're in with other mutual GFs wishing them a happy Galentine's. She replied with a photo of herself with people from a different social circle of hers, toasting with wine, captioned "sorry you're pregnant". At face value it reads as a joke about me being unable to drink, but given our background context, I'm concerned that it's a bitter dig about me being pregnant when she never will be (which I absolutely get and sympathise with). I also think it's an unkind thing to say to someone who couldn't get pregnant without intervention. Nobody else responded for the rest of the evening so I guess others found it awkward too.

My queries to MN users were: Am I being oversensitive/overthinking it? Should I reach out to her and check she's doing ok, or do I just leave it be and wait for the conversation to move on to something new?

OP posts:
Pixilicious1 · 15/02/2025 08:30

I’d just leave her be. She’s obviously sad/jealous/upset and probably regrets sending it by now. No doubt she thought it was ‘funny’ but it does seem like it was a barbed comment.

mindutopia · 15/02/2025 08:34

Sorry your other thread got hijacked. I did see your OP. I would just leave it. I think the fact that no one else in the group chat has responded says a lot. Everyone thinks it’s inappropriate and awkward, so has left her hanging. You don’t need to scurry around after her trying to make it better (do you tend to be a people pleaser?). If anything, she should follow up personally with you to say sorry, that might have come across the wrong way and I really hope you had a lovely day and I hope you’re doing well. Not you. Just let her sit with it a bit.

SofaSpuds · 15/02/2025 08:36

That is a shitty thing to do 😔
I can only assume the alcohol dulled her senses.
You were kind enough to consider her feelings, but she obviously is not so kind.
I'd take a step back for now.... no point saying anything, she'll probably just say - It's a joke, don't be so sensitive

GutsyGertrude · 15/02/2025 08:37

I'd assume she meant it as a joke tbh. Not a particularly funny or nice joke though. I wouldn't respond. Leave it hanging like the bad fart it is!

Dery · 15/02/2025 08:40

It is barbed but I think really it’s about her having something you can’t have right now, against the pregnancy you’re able to have and she isn’t. It’s clear that you’ve been very thoughtful and sensitive but her pain and grief at not being able to have a child will be huge. I’m not sure a heart to heart would really help here. I think it would be better to let it slide.

Newstartplease2024 · 15/02/2025 08:41

I'd leave it. It's clearly meant to be a joke but is loaded with upset/jealousy/anger. She is probably really struggling but it will be difficult for her to share with you because seeing you pregnant is probably killing her. Send her love in your thoughts and remember how you felt when you struggled to get pregnant. If she does it again that's a different matter but I would see it as a one off and forgive her.

myplace · 15/02/2025 08:44

Just so you know, people are avoiding this thread for fear of what happened last night.

You may prefer to start again with a thread title that’s different so people aren’t put off.

Olika · 15/02/2025 08:50

I think you should just leave it. If I had received that message I wouldn't have given it second thought. If she has any kind of issue with you being finally pregnant while she cannot she should let you know. Don't try to read between the lines as that will lead you second guessing every interaction.

Original poster
ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 08:57

Thanks everyone for the quick responses, and apologies to anyone who's eyes are still scarred from whatever was shared last night!

@Newstartplease2024 I never intended to tell her off for it don't worry, I do get how she must be feeling. I remember well the mixed feelings every time a new pregnancy was announced, being so happy for them but also thinking every time "why not me". There's no risk of me falling out with her over it or me not forgiving the faux pas, so to speak. I was more wondering if I need to check in with her to see if she's doing alright, but if she's not, I'm probably not the person she'd want to talk to about it anyway.

I think I'm leaning towards what most posters have suggested and just ignoring it. We'll see if she acknowledges it in the sober light of day. If she does I'll send a neutral response, if not, hopefully someone else will start a new conversation at some stage to break the ice!

It is really sad not to be able to share my pregnancy with my best friend though. We got married within weeks of each other and I think we'd always assumed we'd continue to go through the life stages together. Life can be cruel.

OP posts:
Didimum · 15/02/2025 09:00

It’s a bad joke, and her emotions right now are likely not giving her the best signals in how to behave or interact with you. Ignore it, hope for better and if she continues then you either have a conversation or distance yourself.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

VeryDeepEverything · 15/02/2025 09:09

I think you've been as sensitive as it is possible to be given the hand of cards you've both been dealt.
I think she's privately not at all happy about this and vino veritas got the better of her while she thought she'd cleverly dressed it up as a joke.
The no response she's had is all the response that's needed as pp have said.
Maybe your different circumstances will break your friendship, maybe her feelings will change as she comes to terms with her own response to this and reflects on it... If she's a thoughtful person usually.
But you can't Molly coddle her at your own expense. Just carry on being sensitive and thoughtful.

The only thing I might suggest is possibly to have let her know that you are not talking about the pregnancy with her out of care for her... If you are avoiding the subject, she may interpret it another way and misread you.
i.e she may feel you 'aren't including her because she's not in the club' and suspect you're talking to all your mutual friends about it but not her... Though if course you're actually just trying to avoid upsetting her.
So in your shoes I'd have been tempted to let her know what you're doing and why, and sharing it's tricky for you both and you want to respect that, but communication is the only way to navigate complicated feelings and have both sides feel their lives are important to each other.

LavenderFields7 · 15/02/2025 09:15

I would blow it off as a joke and post a photo back holding up a cup of tea or something saying “cheers! at least no hangover!”.

VeryDeepEverything · 15/02/2025 09:20

LavenderFields7 · 15/02/2025 09:15

I would blow it off as a joke and post a photo back holding up a cup of tea or something saying “cheers! at least no hangover!”.

Nooooo, that would come across as horribly catty.

Original poster
ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 09:23

@VeryDeepEverything I hadn't thought about it in that way, that she might feel left out by me not discussing anything pregnancy related with her. I will if she asks, but she doesn't often ask. I've only seen her twice socially through the pregnancy and both times were in group settings, so it didn't come up in conversation on either occasion. We do exchange chit chat most days in our group chat though, we're generally a very close group of friends. However the whole group is currently child free (the others either by choice or due to relationship status/circumstances), I'm the first to be pregnant. So as a collective, babies and pregnancy haven't ever been high on the conversational agenda as it is!

OP posts:
IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 09:30

ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 08:57

Thanks everyone for the quick responses, and apologies to anyone who's eyes are still scarred from whatever was shared last night!

@Newstartplease2024 I never intended to tell her off for it don't worry, I do get how she must be feeling. I remember well the mixed feelings every time a new pregnancy was announced, being so happy for them but also thinking every time "why not me". There's no risk of me falling out with her over it or me not forgiving the faux pas, so to speak. I was more wondering if I need to check in with her to see if she's doing alright, but if she's not, I'm probably not the person she'd want to talk to about it anyway.

I think I'm leaning towards what most posters have suggested and just ignoring it. We'll see if she acknowledges it in the sober light of day. If she does I'll send a neutral response, if not, hopefully someone else will start a new conversation at some stage to break the ice!

It is really sad not to be able to share my pregnancy with my best friend though. We got married within weeks of each other and I think we'd always assumed we'd continue to go through the life stages together. Life can be cruel.

It’s cruel for her, though. Not being able to ‘share your pregnancy’ with a longtime friend is in no way comparable to wanting a child and not being able to have one, while you watch your friend be pregnant.

Original poster
ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 09:32

IntermittentStream · 15/02/2025 09:30

It’s cruel for her, though. Not being able to ‘share your pregnancy’ with a longtime friend is in no way comparable to wanting a child and not being able to have one, while you watch your friend be pregnant.

Show quote history

Yes @IntermittentStream I obviously meant it was cruel for her, no need to get on your high horse!

OP posts:
Original poster
ButchCassidysSundanceKid · 15/02/2025 09:57

Update: I got a private message from my friend when she woke up earlier. She said she was drunk and trying to be funny because she knows I'm not able to have wine at the moment, but she did also ask if I was upset with her, so she's clearly realised how it could have been interpreted. I responded neutrally, as I said I would here, and asked how the night was, but I haven't tried to pursue a deep and meaningful.

OP posts:
MercurialButton · 15/02/2025 09:58

IMO … you should be direct and clear the air.

Reply and say … dear friend, was your reply a typo? If not, we should talk. Can you meet for a coffee Monday?

nodramaplz · 15/02/2025 09:58

Just leave it.
Be annoyed but she's grieving- don't make it right or ok but the less said, easier mended x

MrWise · 15/02/2025 10:00

Ach, I would have responded straight away with a "Damn, that wine looks good. Wine Hugs to you all Xx

  1. It acknowledges the "joke" and takes the sting out of any barb
  2. It diffuses the tension and awkwardness
  3. You went high when she aimed low

I would respond this morning
Damn, that wine looked good! Grin Hugs to you all this morning. Xx ( Hope you are not too hungover, if that won't be misconstrued)

MrWise · 15/02/2025 10:01

Ah, too late, ignore the above.

NewDogOwner · 15/02/2025 10:22

She is sad and bitter and what she said was an expression of her pain. It doesn't make it OK, though. Love your baby and try to feel sorry for her.