Weird message from friend - follow up thread

[ButchCassidysSundanceKid]

Last night I posted a thread regarding a message I received from a friend regarding my pregnancy which had made me uncomfortable, asking for advice on how to respond. I posted it late and then went to sleep. I can see that 29 people responded but unfortunately MN have hidden the thread, so I can't read and respond. I'm not sure why someone would have reported it as it didn't contain anything controversial and it was a genuine incident (I use MN frequently but changed my username for the post).

Thank you to anyone who did take the time to respond and hopefully MN will republish so I can read your suggestions, as I've woken up still feeling shitty about it all!

Neutral is good. Shame about it still being in the group chat like an elephant in the room. If you want to be the bigger person, I'd either write on that one
Glad to hear a good time was had by all. Have a lovely weekend ladies. Hearts emojis.

Or glad to hear from [friend] a good time was had by all. Hoping you recover from the hangovers

The first one is more benign. I would do this as a decent person, to make your other friends more comfortable, to be the better person and to let your friend off the hook a little.

Not again 😱😱😱

It was just a joke op. Perhaps a misjudged one, a slightly tipsy one, but just a joke about you not being able to have a drink.

don’t overthink this.

If it was any other friend who made the comment I'd agree and laugh it off. It was the context of the individual which made me worry. To reiterate what I've said previously, I'm not upset for me, I was worried that it signified that she's feeling down on herself. And the fact she reflected on it and reached out about it privately when sober suggests that it possibly did come from a deeper place.

@MrWise someone else has thankfully entered the chat with a new conversation starter so hopefully we can now put the awkward "joke" behind us!

I would give the benefit of the doubt and assume it was an ill thought out joke made off the cuff. She was drinkijg and likely didnt think too much into it. You are pregnant, hormones everywhere and also likely feeling ultra sensitice being it was so hard to get to this stage.
It does sound like you need to stop avoiding your best friend and have a heart to heart. She might be wondering why you are pushing her away. Maybe ask her very sensitively if she would like a role in your babies life, godmother or special auntie.

I'm not avoiding her, I just don't instigate pregnancy related conversations with her. We speak daily via text message and we've had 2 social occasions together during my pregnancy so far (and have 2 more booked in over the next 2 months). I'd be very surprised if she felt "pushed out", I talk to her more than any other person (including at times my DH 😂).

@MrWise has a well chosen name there!

I agree, that message came from a world of hurt and pain. Glad she messaged you again.

I'd just read that as a crack about not being able to drink for the next 9 months tbh. Think you're reading too much into it.

That's great though, she cares about how you feel too.
So not just bitter about things (though fair to feel that way too).

This is a great chance to put your cards on the table and tell her how much you care that your pregnancy not be painful for her, even though it's impossible for it not to be... And you weren't upset with her but you were worried about her and also your friendship.

I wouldn't read anything into it. It just reads 'sorry you can't drink wine'.

You have it in your head she's cut up about not being able to have kids. Maybe she isn't. Or was but is over it. It's been a while since she found out. I get that some people might fall into bitter jealousy. But plenty would just feel 'it's sad but I'm just going to go live my life as best as'.

You've been tiptoeing around her because you don't know where she's at with it.

But now you're projecting this assumption that she's bitter onto her. When she said something that anyone could have said.

Fair enough if she gave prior indication she was resentful of you and spiteful. Or does so in future. But as is, I think you're reading too much info it. For all you know she's decided she doesn't want kids anyway. Her comment could just as easily be relief that she still gets to enjoy drinking with friends.

I'm curious as to why you jump to 'my friend wants to hurt me'. Either you don't like her very much or you already know she's a dick.

Truthfully I would struggle to see this as a joke. Maybe she needs to give drink or the internet a rest for a while. Or maybe both. So it’s tough that she’s been dealt the hand she has but people get pregnant. It’s life. What’s she going to do, post pictures with bitchy comments every time someone gets pregnant?

Hi OP,
I think it was an inappropriate thing to say. And I am saying this as a woman who has been through years of IVF/infertility/baby loss and never had kids.
I do feel for her (and for you) but taking it out on other people, especially one who has been through IVF, is just not ok.
Hope she has therapy to process the loss. I ve been there and I can reassure any woman that, while having kids is wonderful, not having them can also be awsome. In your place I would just let it go but would also surround myself with people who are happy for my pregnancy. Especially after what you have been through.

.

Bloody hell, that's a reach from me saying "I'm worried about my friend and wonder if I should reach out to her". Nobody else in the group chat "laughed" at the joke either - surely it can't just have been me if nobody immediately thought "ha ha isn't she funny". All of us know she IS devastated about not having kids, that's not an assumption. She knows she can't because she's been tested, and there's a reason she had those tests done. I'm unsure why you think I'm jumping to conclusions when I gave context of both our infertility backgrounds and made it clear this person is my closest friend.

I don't what I said came across as me slagging her off - yes I said her message may have been bitter, but I also said that if it was, I understand why. She's not a "dick", she's someone I care about who's been through a shitty time and I'm conscious that her shitty time is running concurrently to me finally - hopefully - getting my happy ending. I've been the person getting the BFNs for years and having to hear the pregnancy announcements and plastering on the fake smile before crying about it in private. It absolutely sucks, but for many women with infertility, their time does eventually come - she knows hers never will, and obviously so do I. I'd be a much worse friend if I just buried my head in the sand and pretended like she was definitely ok.

I'm not and never was angry with her, I just wanted advice as to how to respond. People gave advice, I've followed it. And it's moved on now.

Oh bless your heart - it's a very niche reference to the channel 4 sitcom Phone Shop which only lasted two series but I adored. Mr Wise was the owl (a owl. A owl? A OWL!!!) that was tattooed on the back of Jerwayne's gf's back.

😂 that was a funny clip! I’ve never heard of that programme, I’ll try and watch it 🦉

I’m gonna be earwormed now-
a owl?!
a owl!
a owl?!