Is this emotional abuse, what should I do?

[Malinki46]

I've had concerns about my relationship on and off for years. We have been together for over 20 years and have children at school. To start with he used to get moody and distant and when asked what was wrong he would eventually say he was fed up with me, I had done something wrong, I wasn't good enough for some reason, it was my appearance, my job, my finances, my family etc. We would argue and I would end up agreeing and promising to improve... until the next time. He has also criticised me a lot saying things like, you have nothing about you, you're a failure, you're disorganised, useless, lazy and don't make an effort generally. When our son was just 6 weeks old he told me my appearance was shit and I wasn't a woman. He loves to point out any flaws and he can turn things I've told him around and use them against me. He seemed to resent me being a sahm and on several occasions would come in from work when we had a baby and a toddler and say what the f**k have you been doing all day? I got a small cleaning job and he said I was a selfish cow. He has encouraged me to do things but has then had a go at me for doing them. He's made me feel absolutely awful about myself like I am failing as a human a mum and a woman. Like nothing I do has been good enough I've felt completely broken at times. I could go on. The confusing thing is that he can be kind and generous and nice..When I bring this up with him he points out all the good he does leaving me feeling like I've got it all wrong or it's in my head. I've said how unhappy the things he's said make me feel and he just says it was heat of the moment stuff, he didn't mean it, can't remember saying it and I need to get over it and I spend to much time thinking. He also blames it on being tired or stressed or bad mental health . Ive been tired and stressed but haven't spoken to him like this. He's also spoilt a lot of things over the years with his moods and sulking. He hates criticism and strangely does not behave like this with anyone else. He is very reserved. We've also had some terrible rows in front of the children which I feel awful about. I just want me and the kids to be happy. I need some advice please.

Just leave. Men get worse as they age.

he would eventually say he was fed up with me, I had done something wrong, I wasn't good enough for some reason, it was my appearance, my job, my finances, my family etc. We would argue and I would end up agreeing and promising to improve

Why would you agree to any of that? Was he a perfect specimen with a perfect job and a perfect family? No. He was just another nasty horrible man.

You want to be happy? Leave. You want the children to be happy? Leave. You want him to be happy? He will never be happy no matter what you do. So leave and be happy.

You don't have to label it or prove it in order to leave. You can just go.

Life is short. He's a prick to you infront of your kids. You aren't happy with him around.

So give yourself blessing to leave.
You don't have to justify it to him.

If one person wants to end the relationship, they can do so. He doesn't need to agree.

"he can be kind and generous"

But he isn't? At least not 100% of the time. If I made you sandwich and said it was 99% meat/salad etc but had 1% shit in it, would you accept it?

I know it will be scary but you will be better off away from him, your DC will be better off away as well. You don't want them thinking this is normal and then go on to have a similar relationship themselves.

You poor thing @Malinki46 . You have to leave this relationship, it’s beyond awful. Womens Aid will talk you through what to do. You deserve better. 💐

You are not a woman... after giving birth!!!
He's reserved.. he's not when he's ripping you to bits on every facet that makes you who you are as a person.
He's an utter bastard and 💯 it's abuse.
I hope you can get away from him, you deserve better.

You need to leave this abusive relationship and divorce him.

This is not good for your DC’s either as they are learning what relationships are like from this and you don’t want them to choose someone like him to be with when they are older. You do not need to improve yourself. What gives him the right to tell you this!? Him being occasionally “kind and generous” is an act to make you feel that he isn’t all bad. There is no kindness in his behaviour to you.

Do you have any friends or family who could support you? I would arrange to see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to in the divorce. You deserve better you know you do.

No one who loves you should talk to you like that. It is abuse. Leave. He won’t change. I was married to this man. It got worse.
The nice times are him trying to confuse you into thinking the horrible times must be your fault as he’s nice some of the time and nice to others. This is so you stay and tolerate his shitty behaviour. Like you’ve said you agree and promise to change when you’ve done nothing wrong!
I’m sure he’ll cry and beg you to stay if you talk of separating. Not saying that it will, but just be careful as it’s at this point when it got worse for me as men like this don’t usually take being left very well.

If this was your daughter or friend telling you over a coffee I already know you would want them to leave.

Men who have issues treat their partner like this. They are impossible to please. You will always be wrong. Not because you are wrong but because people like your partner always have to be in control and to make themselves feel slightly more important they need to belittle others. I bet he's a people pleaser around men. Just likes to pick on a woman behind doors.

I have been in a mentally and emotionally abusive situation. He would make little digs about how he'd prefer me to dress and do my hair. He stopped doing it eventually. He'd get fixated on ex partners or whatever and try get the best woman to be similar.

He also picked at my SAHM status. Then I got a job 30 hours a week in care. I was making new friends and meeting a ton of people. That made him feel crappy.

I never lived with him. I ran my own home and didn't need him for nothing. Honestly however you do it. ALL women need to be strong and do as much as they can to be self sufficient. No man should ever be taking away a woman's credit. Take small steps to empower yourself. Do what you want to do. Whether it's working. Universal credits whilst the kids are small. Part time working. A course. Whatever you wish. But you need to secure your own self image. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. There's everything wrong with him. You don't need him. You can do life on your own but you need to suss it out.

Be strong!

Jesus. Do men like this get given a fucking handbook? He is making it his life’s mission to destroy you, make you feel so sad and unhappy every moment of every day, just to make himself feel better.

You say he’s reserved and wouldn’t dream of doing this to anyone else. That’s because he’s an inadequate little cunt and he uses his destruction of you to feel like a big man. He’s a total disgrace.

Please find a way to leave and save yourself and your children.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship and you only need to give your own self permission to leave. Your relationship to him is over because of the abuse he metes out to you, and in turn your children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They absolutely cannot afford to grow up seeing their mother being abused like this. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What is the situation re the property and finances?.

The "nice" part of him is really part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. These types of men hate women and all of them to boot. They also cite MH problems as a reason for their behaviour when in fact they have no such issues.

And abusive men too are often all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. You and your kids also know the truth re him however.

Do not continue to raise your children in such a toxic environment. Seek help from a Solicitor and Womens Aid to get him out of your day to day lives.

What advice are you looking for? Is he abusive? Yes. Should you leave? Yes. Will he change? Yes, he'll get worse.

Yes it is abuse. He has spent years criticising everything about you, and making you feel worthless. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

The question is whether you want to bring your dc up in this environment of toxicity, or whether you want to move on and find happiness.

Yes, this absolutely is abuse!

Things will not change, unless you leave.

Do you really want your children to grow up in this environment?

Your husband is a sad, pathetic bully, and he's only brave when bullying and abusing a woman behind closed doors.

Put yourself and your children first and leave.

NO NO NO and absolutely NO!! This is unacceptable behaviour in fact it's bloody disgusting! Who the fuck does he think he is putting you down constantly? The mother of his children! The woman who does all the house stuff, the school runs, the appointments and also got a part time job!

What he works boo hoo so he fucking should, you need too seriously think about this relationship OP what he is doing is emotional and mental ABUSE he's then gas lighting you about it too! He's a vile man and a disgusting human being! I would kick his disgusting ass out and tell him to go find another woman as you are done. Bloke needs a slap! (Obviously don't) but he's clearly so high in his horse he thinks he's something like a god type human.

Literally cannot believe what I've just read honestly. So many men think this is ok, honestly, I hope you find the strength to leave him and realise you are so much more than this and deserve so much more. I would speak to friends and family and I would speak to the GP I know what it's like to be emotionally and mentally abused I've been through it and it's extremely damaging. Start thinking of your future with your children and focus on what is acceptable and what isn't.

It was clear it’s abuse before I got to him being amazing at times then it was crystal clear. Contact women’s aid and they will help you to work through it. There’s also a book called “why does he do that” read it and take the steps you need to take for you x

Also try look at it this way. He's happy to use your body for sex. He's happy to leave you at home with the kid so he can work etc.
He has a choice in life! Doesn't have to be with someone not good enough. But yet here you are! So clearly you did attract him. Clearly there's nothing "better" for the idiot.

Yes it is. You need to leave. Please.

He's a textbook emotional abuser. He loves the power he has over you, too.
Get your ducks in a row and leave him
You won't regret it.
What a turd of a man he is.

Thank you for all your messages, they have been a great help. We have now separated.
Unfortunately I'm even more confused now than ever, he has gone from being incredibly upset because he has behaved like this and didn't realise how he had hurt me to now a few weeks later saying that he has spoken to a counsellor and they have said a lot of it is just normal arguments. He tells me this is all my doing ending the relationship and is making me feel terribly guilty. He's making me think I've got it all wrong, that it was only a few times he's been unkind, that he didn't mean it and I need to toughen up. That I'm ignoring all the good he has done as if that cancells the bad out. Also that i should have said this was how I felt before to give him a chance to sort things out. I genuinely feel as though I'm going crazy, second guessing myself unable to get a grip on reality. It's like I don't know my own mind when I was so sure. It's making me feel physically unwell. I'm so stressed. He has done a lot for our family, he works hard and provides for us etc. He is reliable and a good dad. What do I do, who should I speak to? It's all going round and round in my head.

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice and support. He's just trying to reel you back in. If you read your OP you've had 20 years of emotional abuse and it's highly unlikely he'll change so you're just going to go back to more of the same.

He said he was fed up with you
Everything about you is wrong
You're a failure, lazy, disorganised, useless
You look like shit and aren't a woman
Use of DARVO etc

That's what you're going back to and they often get worse when you go back. Your children don't need to live in that atmosphere.

Stay strong and stay away. You can find your local domestic abuse organisation on your council website.

He has obviously either got a shit counsellor who should be struck off or, more likely, he is lying to his counsellor and absolutely minimising his dreadful and abusive behaviour.

You need to seek therapy for yourself and stop listening to your ex-husband. You know what he has said and done. You have provided a lot of detail in your first post about his behaviour towards you and it is clear that this goes well beyond 'normal arguments'.

Yes it is emotional abuse. He seems broken and needs therapy.