Is this emotional abuse, what should I do?

[Malinki46]

I've had concerns about my relationship on and off for years. We have been together for over 20 years and have children at school. To start with he used to get moody and distant and when asked what was wrong he would eventually say he was fed up with me, I had done something wrong, I wasn't good enough for some reason, it was my appearance, my job, my finances, my family etc. We would argue and I would end up agreeing and promising to improve... until the next time. He has also criticised me a lot saying things like, you have nothing about you, you're a failure, you're disorganised, useless, lazy and don't make an effort generally. When our son was just 6 weeks old he told me my appearance was shit and I wasn't a woman. He loves to point out any flaws and he can turn things I've told him around and use them against me. He seemed to resent me being a sahm and on several occasions would come in from work when we had a baby and a toddler and say what the f**k have you been doing all day? I got a small cleaning job and he said I was a selfish cow. He has encouraged me to do things but has then had a go at me for doing them. He's made me feel absolutely awful about myself like I am failing as a human a mum and a woman. Like nothing I do has been good enough I've felt completely broken at times. I could go on. The confusing thing is that he can be kind and generous and nice..When I bring this up with him he points out all the good he does leaving me feeling like I've got it all wrong or it's in my head. I've said how unhappy the things he's said make me feel and he just says it was heat of the moment stuff, he didn't mean it, can't remember saying it and I need to get over it and I spend to much time thinking. He also blames it on being tired or stressed or bad mental health . Ive been tired and stressed but haven't spoken to him like this. He's also spoilt a lot of things over the years with his moods and sulking. He hates criticism and strangely does not behave like this with anyone else. He is very reserved. We've also had some terrible rows in front of the children which I feel awful about. I just want me and the kids to be happy. I need some advice please.

You've had the courage to leave. Do not weaken. Everything you say in your last post confirms what you said in your first. Work on yourself and your self esteem and keep him out of your life.

Malinki
re your comment:

"Unfortunately I'm even more confused now than ever, he has gone from being incredibly upset because he has behaved like this and didn't realise how he had hurt me to now a few weeks later saying that he has spoken to a counsellor and they have said a lot of it is just normal arguments".

He continues to abuse you now you have separated and after you divorce he will act the self same as he is doing now. He is not above using DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender) on you either; a technique so beloved of abusers.

This is what DARVO is:

• Deny:
• The perpetrator denies any wrongdoing or abuse, often gaslighting the victim and making them question their own experiences.
• Attack:
• The perpetrator then shifts the focus by attacking the victim, often portraying them as the problem or instigator.
• Reverse Victim and Offender:
• The perpetrator attempts to reverse the roles, portraying themselves as the victim and the accused as the offender.
• Manipulation:
• DARVO is a form of manipulation used to avoid responsibility and maintain control over the victim.

He is lying through his teeth re the counsellor and I doubt he has seen such a person anyway. If he indeed has he used that person to try and manipulate them. Continue to stay away from him and use a separate phone from your usual phone. Do not weaken. Seek further legal advice if you have not already done so and push forward with divorcing your abuser.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

First off, take a step back and a deep breath, and understand that what he is doing is normal for this type of man. He is trying to pressure you into coming back. Insane as it sounds, when these men endlessly bully their wives and tell them how useless and awful they are, they don't actually want the relationship to end. If you were really as bad as he said, he should be glad that you're gone, right?

They don't want it to end because they enjoy abusing their wives and and want to continue doing so.

He is rewriting history. It's gaslighting, and I would bet my house that he hasn't seen a counsellor at all and it's just a pack of lies. This is what they do. It's not real. What he is telling you isn't true. You've been in this for so long now that it's difficult to see because you don't trust your own judgement so you're not sure what's acceptable and what's not. This is common after being coercively controlled for a long time and it's proof you were emotionally abused.

Do not believe anything without proof. Do not take his word for anything. He is lying. Remember all the nasty things he said. You weren't imagining them, they aren't acceptable, they aren't normal, and they aren't how every husband behaves behind closed doors, and you didn't make him do any of it.

He's not a good dad, he's a shit.

Even if these were 'normal' arguments (which they're not), you are still entitled to decide that you don't want to live like that.

Even if he is a 'good' dad (which he's not - it's now understood that abusing your spouse when you have children together is a form of child abuse) - you still don't have to be in a relationship with someone who is that nasty to you.

Even if he has provided for you, other aspects of his behaviour are enough reason to want to end the relationship.

Yes, this is 100% classic emotional abuse, the 'nice' side is part of the abuse cycle, to keep you there. Please read this book: https://amzn.eu/d/cikvXQQ

It will help you understand so much. It's literally changed my life.

It doesn't really matter what he says and what explanation he gives. You were miserable in the marriage. It's left you so low that you're questioning your own judgement. It had to end.