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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One of my friends is driving me nuts

43 replies

nickytwotimes · 09/05/2008 10:26

and i feel really bad about it because she is a lovely person. We've been pals for a couple of years now btw.
She is always late for our meet-ups, which I wouldn't mind if it weren't for my toddler who I have to keep hanging around whining because he's fed up waiting. Also, she is just so unorganised it is infuriating. You know, one of these people who is always in a flap because they haven't got things togethter in advance. It drives me nuts! I mean, other friends I have have different ways of doing things to me, but we seem to be chalk and cheese and I'm wondering what to do because it stresses me out seeing her, yet I really really like her!?

OP posts:
Uriel · 09/05/2008 10:31

If she's always late, why not arrive later yourself?

BabiesEverywhere · 09/05/2008 10:31

I sound like your friend, with the best intentions I always seem to be running late dragging my DD behind me

Tell her to arrive 30 minutes before you want her to turn up and count your blessings that you are so organised (I wish I was)

Lazycow · 09/05/2008 10:34

I have a friend just like this but I have years of practice in dealing with it because my sister is like this too.

If I make arrangements with her I assume she will be mega late so I keep it all very fluid and have a backup plan. So if we have agreed to meet up I will plan to do something else first and just agree that we will keep in contact over the phone so that I know when she has left home. We then meet up after that.

the key thing is to always do what I want to do so that I don't feel resentful waiting for her.

So for example- I would generally arrange to meet her somewhere that suited me (so for you it would be somewhere toddler friendly) so that if she was late it wouldn't matter too much.

Also if the meeting time is say 10am I might get my shopping done first and then call her at about 10am and say 'I'm just finishing shopping' and will meet you in a bit. She would then probably say either 'Oh I'm behind but I'm planning to leave in 30 mins' this would mean I have at least 1 hour before she leaves {grin} so I might take my shopping home or go to the park for a while. If she has already left I'd make my way to meet her.

If this all seems too much work then you need to see less of her. You could ask her to be on time more but in my experience this rarely worls for long.

Original poster
nickytwotimes · 09/05/2008 10:38

Thanks for the ideas. I have tried giving her the earlier time, but I was still hanging around for ages. I just find continual lateness really rude. Maybe I need to lighten up a bit...

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2008 10:39

I take the same approach as Lazycow with all my friends, which means that any meet up I have is really smooth and pleasant.

saadia · 09/05/2008 10:40

I know people like this and I think you just have to learn to live with it. I find that slightly disorganised people are usually very likeable. Arriving a bit late and keeping things fluid are very good suggestions. Or maybe tell her to call you when she's leaving so you have a idea of when to arrive at your destination.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/05/2008 10:40

Just use your phone more, or ask her to meet her at the park, in the playground, etc, and go to the final destination (cafe, lunch, shopping) etc from there. I would also ensure to carry a packed lunch of sandwiches and some fruit for dc and a drink.

Original poster
nickytwotimes · 09/05/2008 10:45

I will try because, as I say, I really like this woman.

OP posts:
hls · 09/05/2008 13:28

Have you tried to tell her how you feel- in a jokey, friendly way?

Personally, lateness drives me nuts as I feel it's disrespectful. I have friends who does this and it really gets tome as I have made a HUGE effort to get there on time and would feel so bad if I kept them waiting.

Don't know the answer- just maybe say how you feel?

Elf · 09/05/2008 13:42

Is there anyone out there who is like the late friend? What is going on in your head? Like his above, I feel it is very disrespectful, we all know how hard it is to get out of the house on time, but if we make the effort, why can't they? And if they really can't then, why can't they phone to let you know? Bloody rude, selfish and childish I think.

That said, I think there are some good suggestions here but it's really like dealing with a four year old isn't it? If you know you are disorganised can't you think of a realistic time? Rant over.

EachPeachPearMum · 09/05/2008 15:45

I was never like this pre-dc, but I find myself late on occasion now- sometimes it's very difficult with a 2yo in tow. (Why do they always poo as you're going out of the door? ) It is highly annoying though, and your child cannot understand what the problem is.

Would it be a good idea just to have her come to your house? It won't matter how late she is then- you can just do things as usual until she arrives.

hls · 09/05/2008 15:54

Thanks Elf- we agree

What annoys me, is that it DOES take effort to arrive on time, unless you have the sort of life where you do sod all, all day long.

So if one person can- why can't the rest?!!

If you think it takes you an hour to get ready- start an hour and a half before, next time! If you allow 30 mins for the journey, allow 45 mins next time! If your kids need a poo, then at least have the decency to phone waiting friend and say you will be late.

Basically, aim to be there 20 minutes before you have to, and you might get there on time!

Sanctuary · 09/05/2008 16:42

Have a friend just like that

Now I tell her 30mins before the "real"time so that she turns up on time and I am not hung around waiting

lilacclaire · 09/05/2008 19:15

I HAD a friend like that, I just don't meet up with her anymore, I too found it totally disrespectful.
I don't have much spare time and don't wish to spend it waiting for someone who can't be arsed to make the effort to turn up on time. (obviously was a recurring theme, not just a one off)

Original poster
nickytwotimes · 09/05/2008 19:31

I do just find continual lateness really rude! I can feel my BP going up just thinking about it!
I genuinely cannot understand how an intelligent woman such as my friend can't learn how to adjust her schedule in order to be on time. We're all late from time to time, especially with los and their wonderful toileting habits, but always? I don't get it.

OP posts:
CapricaSix · 09/05/2008 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branflake81 · 10/05/2008 06:19

I cannot abide tardiness. It's just rude and there is no excuse. My DP is like this, habitually 20 mins late, usually because he only starts getting ready at the time he's meant to leave. It really winds me up.

kittywise · 10/05/2008 07:11

People who are habitually late are lazy sods. That's all there is to it.
There is never any reason for being habitually late.
I couldn't stand to be with someone who was such a sloppy personality.

mellyonion · 10/05/2008 07:28

hi. from a late comers perspective here!
i am always late...often no more than 5 or ten minutes.....but late none the less....

i can't help it...its not me being rude, nasty, purposely trying to annoy or whatever...its just me.
i try to be on time, but somehow, i don't know how, i'm late.....

in the same way as some people are incredible organised and well prepared, i am not....it doesn't seem to be in my nature.

as it goes, i'm always hugely embarrassed about being late...it makes me feel a real dick to be honest, but its just me.

i can completely understand your annoyance at your friend, but sometimes, if you really do value her friendship, and enjoy your time together, you just have to let it go.....

arrange for her to ring you as she's leaving, or you offer to call over at her house, or her to come to you so you can potter round while you're waiting....

mellyonion · 10/05/2008 07:30

and kitty...i am neither a lazy sod, or have a sloppy personality.....just for the record.

Rosylily · 10/05/2008 07:43

I like to be on time but my friends are all likely to be half an hour late on average. But the lateness 'winner' in my life is dh who is usually 3 hours late on average.

I am used to it but making arrangements with other people is difficult.

I remember when his good friend was getting married, the friend knowing dh was really trying to appeal to him to get there on time, And dh really tried his very hardest that day. We arrived just after the bride but at least we didn't miss it.

Dh doesn't like to be kept waiting (of course!)
He is just the most reliably unreliable person I've ever met and for some reason I chose to marry him!
He is very annoying but life would be less colourfull without him.

I think if you can it is worth accomodating late people for the fun of it but don't try to depend on them! that would be silly

Rosylily · 10/05/2008 07:46

mellyonion, 5 or 10 minutes? that is 'on time' to me!

laura032004 · 10/05/2008 07:50

I am often late - perhaps by 5 or 10 minutes. I always feel bad about it, but then I don't mind in the least if people keep me waiting for a few minutes. Sometimes I'm on time, sometimes early. There doesn't seem to be any particular reason why. Things that should be in place (keys, shoes...) often disappear in my life!

mellyonion · 10/05/2008 07:52

(rosy...i was bigging myself up a little....its usually more like 15-20 minutes if i'm honest....but didn't want anyone here to hate me!)

kittywise · 10/05/2008 07:54

mellyonion, what tosh. Of course you can help it. You are in charge of when you arrive. If you know you are not organised enough to arrive when you said you would then leave earlier. It's not rocket science.

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