One of my friends is driving me nuts

[nickytwotimes]

and i feel really bad about it because she is a lovely person. We've been pals for a couple of years now btw.
She is always late for our meet-ups, which I wouldn't mind if it weren't for my toddler who I have to keep hanging around whining because he's fed up waiting. Also, she is just so unorganised it is infuriating. You know, one of these people who is always in a flap because they haven't got things togethter in advance. It drives me nuts! I mean, other friends I have have different ways of doing things to me, but we seem to be chalk and cheese and I'm wondering what to do because it stresses me out seeing her, yet I really really like her!?

I think it can be a cultural thing.
I'm in NI where 'easy going' is a common trait. And dh is from Pakistan where 'laidback' and 'fluid' is the norm.

Kitty I've made a mental note to arrive on time if I ever meet you

yes, she's rude! I have a friend EXACTLY like this so I dealt with it the following way.

I said to her that I found it frustrating that we had such different attitudes about time (without blaming her for being rude or pointing the finger, just acknowledging that you're at different ends of the time-scale), so asked for her help in trying to stop me feeling so frustrated in working out a solution.

Our solution was that if we were meeting somewhere she would phone me when she got there and I would then get there (having been ready for ages -I'm like that ) So, if we were meeting in town, I'd go off shopping and use that time well and then she'd text when she eventually arrived in town.

She soon got the idea that I found it frustrating and though she couldn't change her late behaviour was willing to work a way around it that suited us both.

Blimey, that sounded like a moral of this story book hey? Basically, though bring it up sometime (not when she has just been late or it'll seem like a personal attack); sometime when your BP is not sky rocketing and just find solutions together. Makes much more sense than biting your tongue while your bloodboils!

Good luck

lateness really gets to me as you can tell!!

What gets to me MORE is the attitude that you can't help it!! Now that is the height of laziness.

Yes you can help it.

Habitually late people are making the choice every single time that they will be late. They cannot be bothered to organise themselves because it is too much work for them. They would rather waste someone else's time then put in just a little effort.

Don't say "I can't help it" because you can, you choose not to.

That would be an interesting exercise caprica, tell us know what you find out!

I know my dh is useless at estimating time. He plans to do loads of things in an impossible amount of time.
He thinks he has loads of time when he really doesn't.
Once he is engaged in something he focuses totally and gets lost on that.
Then he forgets things and has to go back, loses his car key, takes phonecalls and gets engaged in conversation.
Presumes that no one really cares what time he arrives.

'Presumes that no one really cares what time he arrives. '

you see,its a self-esteem issue,i thought it was.i am not a 'late' person as such,but a 'just on time' or maybe 1-2 minutes late person.no matter what time i get up in the mornings i always have to run to school.i have everything organised the night before,but i always think 'oh,i have 5 mnutes spare,i could do x or y' rather than thinking 'oh,i'll leave early and have a pleasant walk rather than legging it'.

i dont know why i am like that,though.really.

dh is an early person,which i think is just as rude as being late.the first time he ever came round to my house he phoned to say 'im going to be half hour early' i said 'no you're bloody not,i havent hoovered yet!'

I'm often late for meet-ups. Mainly it's because I am not very good at asserting myself so will agree to meet at times that make life very difficult for me as I don't want to say no to the person.
Some of my friends with children in nursery will ring up and say ' just picking kids up from nursery meet you in the park in 30 mins,' and I have to drop everything, get children ready (dd always fills nappy just as we are leaving the house) and hey presto I'm 15-20 mins late, and they are tutting.
Other friend who I go out for the day with, we'll meet up somewhere but only give ballpark times, say between 10-10:30 and that is doable for all of us, with two toddlers and buses to take.
We also use texts to keep track of each other's progress.

I am usually a very punctual person, and have some friends who are always late and some who are bang on time. I find some of the 'aren't I so wonderful for being so organised' posts on here a bit daft, TBH.
"I love my friend, she is always so punctual" I can't see that realistically being on the top of someone's 'things to look for in a friend list'.
Does you friend love you and think of you and care about you? Do you enjoy their company? Then take the rough with the smooth- it's what friends are about.

Friends who are always canceling at the very last minute, now they are annoying.

pinky, occasional latenesss is understandable, persistant lateness is crap.

I just think it's a bit harsh. I was always taught to be punctual, and my goodness when I was at art school, if you were late you had to wait outside til the end of the session and got a serious telling off. I'm not a naturally late person.

I have an absolutely adorable friend who is always late. If we are getting a train or somesuch, I always tell her a much earlier time to give her a chance of getting there. But she would lie down in a the road for her friends and always sees the good in people- so is she crap?

I can see why it's annoying for people, I just wouldn't judge a friendship by it.

divastrop - mellyonion
you guys sound like me. Especially the "i have 5 spare minutes, I can do x,y,z" But generally x,y,z takes more than 5 minutes. I choose to think that i am optimistic
I am only usually a few minutes late -i have a friend who gets really annoyed by this, so I try to be early with her, and I feel just the tiniest bit triumphant when I arrive before she does.

I do think sometimes it is a self esteem issue.

I have problems with low self esteem, too. I end up trying to please everyone, and that is when I come unstuck with punctuality.

Pinky I think then that if you feel that the timescale given to you is too tight, tell you friend that you'll try but will prob be a bit late.

I don't have a problem with lateness if people are upfront about when they will realistically arrive, then it's not lateness iyswim

oooh oooh, pinky and purple (don't you sound great together!lol) so glad i've got some buddies on this thread.... i do the i've got spare two minutes thing too......and yes, i can say that i will bend over backwards to fall in with everyone elses plans, rather than put anyone out.....

i posted initially on here because i thought it may help the op understand her late friend a little...was not asking for nastyness from anyone....

i think i'm a very giving friend tbh, and i'm very very rarely a taker.... i hope that my true friends see through my lateless and love me for me....

i have a very organised friend, she unintentionally makes me feel hugely inadequate about lots of things....but i know, she can't bear to not be in control of anything....so thats why she is so punctual.....she also gives her kids no leeway, is completely inflexible with everything, has her kids in bed by 6 pm because she wants to be able to tidy her house and sit down "relaxing" by 7, will leave an outing because her baby must sleep in a cot in a darkened room in the day, barks at her children if they get dirty, tidies toys away as the children are playing with them etc..... our time together is sometimes tense because we are opposite ends of the scale....but we get on, and we like eachother!

i find all of these things hugely irritating, but ultimately, she is really one of those people who i know i can call on at any given moment if i am in a bother, day or night.......surely, that is far far more important than a small timekeeping issue????

Too right Melly