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Original poster

Was he out of order or me?

27 replies

Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 17:54

Background I have 3 teenagers, partner has one young child (9). Been together 4 years, don’t live together and only get to see each other few days a week due to his work and he has child every weekend.

I’ve been dealing with many things, I lost my father very recently and had to deal with the aftermath. Partner very unsupportive, unable to come to anything with me including say goodbye to him before he died as landed on his weekend. (He could have asked family for a few hours but didn’t)

fast forward to now, my birthday his has no money (no problem) said candlelight dinner and for me to stay, nice day out following day. This was for mid-week. Roll on 2 days before my Bday I had arranged my kids to be covered, lifts to and from school. He cancels me, no consulting just told me. Child’s mum has taken a shift so won’t be happening.

it was the one thing I was so looking forward too, yes great dad and I’m all for child first. But this isn’t in my head child first was dump me and ex first he could have said I’ve got plans, take it as holiday if you have to work or make other plans

would you been pissed off - this has happened loads but this time it was my bday and after horrible things I’ve been through I felt I needed a bit of kindness

what would you have done?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 13/02/2025 18:03

Where is this relationship going? It doesn't seem very satisfactory from what you've said. But you are still managing to see him several times a week. It's horrible when you are looking forward to something and he cancels. Up to you whether or not you call it a day or carry on as things are.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 18:04

I'm sorry Op, being bereaved is hard and it's not asking much for him to support you in this difficult time. Yes, his DC needs to come first most of the time but this was about his Ex, not his DC. If it's happened lots of times I'd say he's taking you for granted, why are you putting up with that?

littlemissprosseco · 13/02/2025 18:05

He’s definitely not giving you his all.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 18:07

Sorry OP but after 4 years I’d expect far better from a partner.

The fact he’s cancelled your birthday because his ex changed childcare arrangements shows he’d rather upset you than her.

Branleuse · 13/02/2025 18:09

I think hes been really disrespectful and rude.
Clearly doesn't see you as a priority

Rhaidimiddim · 13/02/2025 18:15

Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 17:54

Background I have 3 teenagers, partner has one young child (9). Been together 4 years, don’t live together and only get to see each other few days a week due to his work and he has child every weekend.

I’ve been dealing with many things, I lost my father very recently and had to deal with the aftermath. Partner very unsupportive, unable to come to anything with me including say goodbye to him before he died as landed on his weekend. (He could have asked family for a few hours but didn’t)

fast forward to now, my birthday his has no money (no problem) said candlelight dinner and for me to stay, nice day out following day. This was for mid-week. Roll on 2 days before my Bday I had arranged my kids to be covered, lifts to and from school. He cancels me, no consulting just told me. Child’s mum has taken a shift so won’t be happening.

it was the one thing I was so looking forward too, yes great dad and I’m all for child first. But this isn’t in my head child first was dump me and ex first he could have said I’ve got plans, take it as holiday if you have to work or make other plans

would you been pissed off - this has happened loads but this time it was my bday and after horrible things I’ve been through I felt I needed a bit of kindness

what would you have done?

What would I have done?
Told him how disappointed I was, shown him how hurt I was, asked him if has plans to make up for the disappointment.
But I think you'd be flogging a dead horse. He has gauged the absolute minimum effort he has to put in to get his regular booty visit, and is not gonna shift the dial north of that.

ginasevern · 13/02/2025 18:18

I don't find your post very clear. So his ex changed a shift pattern (presumably last minute) and he had to look after his son? If he was the only option for childcare then I don't really see what else he could've done. The situation was therefore about his son's welfare and not his ex. Sorry if I'm missing something.

Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:36

he never has his child mid-week, he isn’t normally allow as he has set days (she decided he has him every week)

I was gutted, he said he didn’t ask her to move shift or take leave just cancelled me as needed to look after his child.

im a Mum of a 3 and know I wouldn’t have done that. I would have told my ex, sorry I’ve got plans and you need to change yours. But obviously we are completely different

he argued with me when I said I was upset and was really looking forward to it. Told me that he had too

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:37

Sorry was meant to say every weekend

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 13/02/2025 18:40

He probably thought that as it was only dinner at home you could rearrange for another day. His DC is his priority; it sounds like that’s something you’ll need to accept.

Stripeyanddotty · 13/02/2025 18:41

What value does he bring to your life?
Do you even like each other?

Terrribletwos · 13/02/2025 18:43

Sounds like you are second best to him.

Move on now.

itsmeits · 13/02/2025 18:47

Does Ex have form for asking him to have child off normal pattern if the two of you have plans?

Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:47

He asked me for dinner and has never cooked or offered that before. So was pretty special and I admit I was really excited.

this is why I’m asking the question, as a Mum I’ve tried to balance having a relationship and put my children first that’s just a normal thing to do.

emergency, mum unwell, child unwell, school activities absolutely or just wanted to see his child no issues. Just gutted it happened and he didn’t even ask the question to her as I believe he would have been worried of her reaction. But believes or maybe just in my head (hence why I’m asking) it’s ok to dump me. Considering he made a big deal about it in first place and I had to organise my own children.

OP posts:
SharpWriter · 13/02/2025 18:50

OP I couldn't be bothered with this - the part about you losing your father (sorry for your loss) shows your partner will never be there for you unless it falls on a day when he doesn't have his child. Do you really want someone who won't support you during bad times?

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 18:52

Hes never cooked for you in 4 years?

Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:55

No I don’t and thought I was a bit selfish 🤦🏼‍♀️ as only has him on weekends. It’s actually impossible to do much with that barrier

holiday only Mon- fri as he can’t miss a weekend ever. I love my boys but understand I need a life and a break also. So I’ve been going with my friends always offer him but same answer so given up with that now as I know next 5 days at least going to be like this.

but as a lot of people/mums say on here. He is a great dad and the child should always come first so thought I wasn’t being fair

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:57

No never cooked so that’s why it was a big deal, said make it lovely and romantic. Maybe see why I was gutted (yes I’m sad I know) just had so much to deal with recently I was counting down the days to my birthday even though big age of 47, this whole thing sounds childish but it’s my life and I’m trying my best to be with someone who has a younger child and get my head around if being dumped for this reason is actually normal…?

OP posts:
theboffinsarecoming · 13/02/2025 18:58

He's only interested in a relationship with you as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in any way, or mean that he has to make an effort, or be thoughtful and kind towards you.

Any emotional needs you might have in a relationship are not being met. He is not emotionally available.

Rhaidimiddim · 13/02/2025 19:03

Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 18:47

He asked me for dinner and has never cooked or offered that before. So was pretty special and I admit I was really excited.

this is why I’m asking the question, as a Mum I’ve tried to balance having a relationship and put my children first that’s just a normal thing to do.

emergency, mum unwell, child unwell, school activities absolutely or just wanted to see his child no issues. Just gutted it happened and he didn’t even ask the question to her as I believe he would have been worried of her reaction. But believes or maybe just in my head (hence why I’m asking) it’s ok to dump me. Considering he made a big deal about it in first place and I had to organise my own children.

Ah, so he couldn't afford a present so offered to make you a dinner. And then thought about it and decided that was too much effort andcexpense too, so cancelled with the only excuse that would fly morally.
You would be better off without him.

Rhaidimiddim · 13/02/2025 19:06

theboffinsarecoming · 13/02/2025 18:58

He's only interested in a relationship with you as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in any way, or mean that he has to make an effort, or be thoughtful and kind towards you.

Any emotional needs you might have in a relationship are not being met. He is not emotionally available.

I'd add - and he's cheap. I'll bet the OP pays for all the food when they do get together.

Original poster
Kellyannmumof3 · 13/02/2025 19:08

Yes god embarrassing to admit it, yes I do pay (I’ve been very lucky own a successful business. He is so tight and kinda surprised he was going to anything! How desperate am I

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/02/2025 20:26

Make a stand now OP because it will never improve. You are clearly a great mum, your life is sorted and successful and this man can’t even deliver a single home cooked meal in 4 years whilst you are paying for everything else.
Don’t call yourself desperate, but do raise your bar. He clearly realises he has to do very little, and over time he’s doing even less. Then he gets to go out when he chooses and you pay.
47 is not old. (I am mid 50’s and met my other half at 46!) You have time when you feel able to, to meet someone who is a true partner.
This man is giving less than the average teenage boy.
You deserve better.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2025 20:30

Sorry OP but he sounds like a waste of space and a tight arse.
He’s never even made you dinner in 4 years, he cancels plans at short notice knowing his special it was for you and he’s a stingey freeloader with short arms and long pockets who can’t give you emotional support when you’re having a hard time.

Don’t settle for crumbs OP. Being single is a million times better than being with a wrong un

RentalWoesNotFun · 13/02/2025 21:51

He sounds like he could be using you for his own comfort at minimum cost when it suits him and her.

Are you sure he's actually single?

The whole thing sounds shite. You deserve better.

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