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Original poster

Partner looking at indecent images

44 replies

Wanttobeamommy · 12/02/2025 22:36

Little back ground info - my partner and I agreed we'd never look at n* online or watch p**, however he searched for a girls leak, after seeing something about it on a YouTube video, and proceeded to click on other indecent images of other girls.

My question is , would you forgive this and am I being petty that I can never get over it?

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 12/02/2025 22:53

I’m a little torn because I don’t agree with porn bans in general but if you’ve agreed a boundary and he’s overstepped then that’s a problem which I think damages the trust.

Only you know if you can trust him to respect the boundary in the future and if this seemed like a one off or just the first time he was caught

TipsyJoker · 12/02/2025 22:53

No. I wouldn’t. You discussed your boundaries and he crossed them knowing how you felt about it. So he doesn’t respect your boundaries and he doesn’t care if it upsets you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else would do though. It matters how you feel and if you can now trust him or look at him the same way.

Original poster
Wanttobeamommy · 12/02/2025 23:23

Thankyou both for your replies, it was a few months ago, however it still plays on my mind and leaves me feeling worthless and I always get an instinct he still does it.

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 12/02/2025 23:27

You need to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If it is then leave. You will never trust him.

WinterMorn · 12/02/2025 23:29

You are talking about images of adults?

Lavender14 · 12/02/2025 23:30

I'm presuming when you say girls you mean adult women op just to clarify?

I think if you both agreed a boundary then he should have stuck to that boundary or come to you and asked to renegotiate it rather than go behind your back with it. I think you need to talk honestly about what boundaries you're going to set in the relationship because if its not realistic then there's no point in having that as a boundary unless you're going to end the relationship over it. I think you need to lay out for him exactly why you're not comfortable with porn use and what impact it has on you. Then if he says he's happy to avoid it but continues to use it then I think you need to decide what you're going to do next. A boundary is only a boundary if its upheld. Only you know what you can tolerate and forgive and move past. Whether or not others find it petty isn't really of any relevance.

RIPVPROG · 12/02/2025 23:37

WinterMorn · 12/02/2025 23:29

You are talking about images of adults?

That was my first thought but I work with sex offenders and the terminology is usually followed by 'of a child' as per the legislation

Original poster
Wanttobeamommy · 12/02/2025 23:50

Sorry for not clarifying, yes I mean adults, I often says girls instead of women, my bad. Thankyou for bringing my attention to this.

OP posts:
Sashya · 13/02/2025 00:31

OP - are you religious or really conservative? Your word choice is strange - "indecent"??? And saying PORN is ok.... And does N* mean "nudes"????
All sounds very Victorian and repressed...
What do you do as a couple on a beach - where very little is covered?

Personally - if him seeing women leaking makes you feel worthless - it's very much a "you" issue. Come to think of it - him wondering about it suggests he is also a bit repressed to the point of having kinks - (which is finding things sexy that mainstream people wouldn't necessarily consider sexy)
And that suggests you two are not compatible...

The whole - "we agreed not to look at naked people and porn" - comes up often. And most of the time - it's not a real agreement. It's a woman cornering a man, who has no choice but to agree...

As far as the porn threads here on MN - this is the most innocent one.

What you do with it - hard to say. Your issues with sex and self esteem seem to be quite deep...

ItGhoul · 13/02/2025 00:37

If it’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s a dealbreaker. It’s your call.

I think it’s interesting that you say it makes you feel worthless, though. Honestly, when someone looks at porn it’s not a reflection of how attracted they are to their partner (or not). It’s not about that at all.

Personally, I don’t care if my partner looks at porn. I don’t consider it to be any of my business and I don’t consider anything I look at to be any of his. Even if we’d agreed not to watch it, though, I don’t think I’d consider one look out of curiosity and then being tempted to click on a few other images anything more than a minor lapse. But you’re entitled to feel you feel.

Original poster
Wanttobeamommy · 13/02/2025 00:37

Sashya · 13/02/2025 00:31

OP - are you religious or really conservative? Your word choice is strange - "indecent"??? And saying PORN is ok.... And does N* mean "nudes"????
All sounds very Victorian and repressed...
What do you do as a couple on a beach - where very little is covered?

Personally - if him seeing women leaking makes you feel worthless - it's very much a "you" issue. Come to think of it - him wondering about it suggests he is also a bit repressed to the point of having kinks - (which is finding things sexy that mainstream people wouldn't necessarily consider sexy)
And that suggests you two are not compatible...

The whole - "we agreed not to look at naked people and porn" - comes up often. And most of the time - it's not a real agreement. It's a woman cornering a man, who has no choice but to agree...

As far as the porn threads here on MN - this is the most innocent one.

What you do with it - hard to say. Your issues with sex and self esteem seem to be quite deep...

I tried to keep the threat as innocent wording as possible as I wasn't sure what was allowed on here. It was actually him that bought up the porn not being okay, and gets offended if I've even seen a top less guy, so the assumptions are off the mark.

OP posts:
username299 · 13/02/2025 00:41

Your boundaries are your own. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you cannot tolerate porn in your relationship then finish it.

Original poster
Wanttobeamommy · 13/02/2025 00:45

I also understand that the insecurities are a me issue. I've established that with my partner. However, it's more so the lying and betrayal on a boundary he wanted to implement in our relationship.

OP posts:
anonhop · 13/02/2025 00:55

I totally agree with these boundaries. I wouldn't want my husband lusting after other women & he wouldn't want me lusting after other men. People on here think it's harmless, but I actually think encouraging yourself to fantasise about a person/activity that would wreck your marriage isn't going to make for a happy one.

It's up to you. I'd talk about how it's bothering you & making you feel if you haven't already. However, if it's a one off, I don't think it's healthy to hold a grudge. You need to either forgive & let go, or decide it's a dealbreaker

Original poster
Wanttobeamommy · 13/02/2025 01:03

anonhop · 13/02/2025 00:55

I totally agree with these boundaries. I wouldn't want my husband lusting after other women & he wouldn't want me lusting after other men. People on here think it's harmless, but I actually think encouraging yourself to fantasise about a person/activity that would wreck your marriage isn't going to make for a happy one.

It's up to you. I'd talk about how it's bothering you & making you feel if you haven't already. However, if it's a one off, I don't think it's healthy to hold a grudge. You need to either forgive & let go, or decide it's a dealbreaker

Thanks so much, I appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 13/02/2025 01:08

I don’t like to because it exploits women and probably some men. I don’t find the finding other people attractive an issue. But the exploitation is awful. What upsets and hurts you is what it is. Only you can decide if it is a dealbreaker, anything in a relationship can be especially after you have voiced your upset.

altmember · 13/02/2025 01:25

anonhop · 13/02/2025 00:55

I totally agree with these boundaries. I wouldn't want my husband lusting after other women & he wouldn't want me lusting after other men. People on here think it's harmless, but I actually think encouraging yourself to fantasise about a person/activity that would wreck your marriage isn't going to make for a happy one.

It's up to you. I'd talk about how it's bothering you & making you feel if you haven't already. However, if it's a one off, I don't think it's healthy to hold a grudge. You need to either forgive & let go, or decide it's a dealbreaker

So you've never had sexual thoughts or physical attraction to another person since you met your dh? And you think your dh hasn't had any either?

GreyCarpet · 13/02/2025 06:58

However, it's more so the lying and betrayal on a boundary he wanted to implement in our relationship.

I'd pay attention to this.

He's not representing himself honestly.

SirRaymondClench · 13/02/2025 06:59

I must be very old but what is 'leaking'?

Lemonade2011 · 13/02/2025 07:02

So he’s ok to be offended at you looking at a topless man but he’s looking at all sorts online but it’s ok for him, men! Honestly makes me wonder at times, hypocrite. Let’s be all taboo about porn so you don’t think I look then I’ll look anyway. Urgh would put me right off someone so sneaky and twisted

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 13/02/2025 07:12

@SirRaymondClench I didn't think I was old but I was equally baffled. Water sports??

GreyCarpet · 13/02/2025 07:15

altmember · 13/02/2025 01:25

So you've never had sexual thoughts or physical attraction to another person since you met your dh? And you think your dh hasn't had any either?

Show quote history

I'm sure my partner has but I've never had sexual thoughts about someone when I've been in a relationship with someone else.

I can appreciate if someone is good looking, has good hair, dresses well but sexual thoughts? No.

SallyWD · 13/02/2025 07:34

This would be a complete non-issue for me. Just looking at a couple of images of fully grown adults, I don't see a problem. I'm am adult, I can choose to look at whatever images I want and so can DH. I wouldn't want to be with a porn addict because that can impact the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who looks at images of children, for obvious reasons. However, looking at a couple of photos of a woman, no problem. I don't police these things.

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 13/02/2025 07:51

In all honesty OP you sound very controlling

Yes you can say your boundaries

But equally your partner is his own person who has his own views on things

You do not sound a very easy person to live with and I feel sorry for your partner

unsync · 13/02/2025 07:58

Wanttobeamommy · 13/02/2025 00:37

I tried to keep the threat as innocent wording as possible as I wasn't sure what was allowed on here. It was actually him that bought up the porn not being okay, and gets offended if I've even seen a top less guy, so the assumptions are off the mark.

Show quote history

Well that's a double standard, so not only does he not respect your boundaries, but he's a hypocrite. That isn't behaviour that I would tolerate.