Lonely lone parent

[MicroMallow]

Any tips or advice? What do you do to help with the loneliness of being a lone parent? I have no social life as my kids are with me full time I do have friends but they aren't in the same situation so don't see them often. Would love to date and meet someone but dating is out of the question as no free time and I have wracked my brains thinking of a way to make it work but I can't. (seems most in my situation introduce kids early on but I don't want to do that) but I'm finding the evenings increasingly difficult all I do is look after kids I find myself wishing their childhood away and them growing up so I can get some life back of my own and not just be "mum" but I realise that sounds awful but I feel sad I'm missing so many years. What do others in this situation do to help feel less alone? Obviously if you are happy single this won't apply and I was for the first few years.

Sorry I don't have much advice, but I am in the same boat. I have one child who has special needs. I am disabled but I do manage to work full time WFH so not actually rubbing shoulders with anyone in real life day to day. I have very little support wrt childcare and have developed severe anxiety from all the responsibility falling to me; finances, battles over education for my son etc etc, and trying to somehow fit myself in the picture somewhere as well.

Get told so often, "you can't look after anybody if you don't look after yourself", but when are we supposed to do that?!

I don't want to hijack your thread but what you wrote has resonated and opened the flood gates for me, I suppose.

I'm sorry you are struggling. You aren't alone x

Do you have any family/friends that could have your kids whilst you do something for yourself, go out with friends or date?

Also, I’m not sure if your kids are nursery age but I’m a single mother to a 1 year old and her dad will have older DS but not both kids on his weekends as he can’t manage (🙄) so I asked the nursery staff to babysit next Friday so I can go out with friends. They were super keen and it’s all sorted - perfect as they know my DD and have childcare qualifications etc because I know little ones won’t just stay with anyone.

Or if your DC are a bit older, any friends with teenage kids who want to babysit for you? Even one evening off a month makes such a big difference to me and my mental health!

Thank you it helps to hear I'm not alone

Sadly no I've sat and I've thought of all the ways I could meet someone but there is no way no one would have them.

I was in your position for years. Youngest is 15 now and it's only been in the last couple of years that I've been able to even start getting a life of my own back. It really sucks, I wish I had a magic wand to wave but I didn't find any shortcut, just had to patiently wait.

Only piece of advice is to do hobbies you all enjoy so it's a pleasant thing for everyone... Ours was paddle boarding, we all enjoyed it so I felt like I was getting some time for myself there as well as entertaining the kids.

Thank you, it's so difficult it's like I've not been able to move on. I mean mentally I have I wouldn't ever want to be with my ex again but physically it feels like I'm stuck and unable to move on and start again.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds really tough.
When I was an older teenager I did a lot of babysitting. It was how I earnt my money. Are there any responsible teenagers that you know who would be willing to babysit while you have some time for yourself, even if it is only once or twice a month?

I'm a lone lone parent too.
Really resonated with me your post about wishing their childhood away and not having any friends in your situation.
I think paying babysitters is the only thing you can do in this situation if you don't have friends/family who could help out?

I know the obvious answer is to pay for a sitter but ex doesn't pay maintenance so that's just not an option as I said I've honestly thought of all ways I could make it work but not getting maintenance for the kids money is tight and I just couldn't stretch to one maybe as an emergency but not for social purposes

I'm a lone parent too - I have nursery age twins and an older child - babysitter costs are so expensive - I always find it odd when people suggest getting one likes it's that easy! and even then finding someone who will look after m twins is difficult - one especially is a nightmare at bed time that by the time they do go down it's gone 9pm and emotionally and mentally I just want to lie in a silent dark room and ponder what life choices led me here rather than get ready to go out

I've decided I don't have the time money or emotional bandwidth to date either. Seems like online dating apps are just full of what's left rather than any real genuine nice men

I work full time so I do try and do lunch with colleagues whenever I can - just so that I have an adult meal with adult conversation.

I don't have any family nearby - they are hundreds of miles away. I try and arrange to visit when I can which gives me a bit of a break if that's an option for you?

I think what helped the most for me is just accepting that this is it for a (long) while and try and make the best of it just being me and the children. Once I reached that stage of acceptance I deleted the dating apps and just focus on me, the kids, doing DIY in the house. Yes I'm often lonely I haven't found an answer to that yet but then again I often felt lonely when I was married

I know what you mean, I'm sure people mean well but babysitters are expensive and a luxury. I couldn't afford one. Same as 'babysitting circles' the single mums I know all have the father involved so they don't want or need to share babysitting favours. I live 10 minutes away from my mum but she wouldn't look after my children.

Have you thought about connecting online with people in the evening? Making virtual friends - perhaps through gaming, or joining online interest clubs? Could evolve into something more in time, or just give you a boost day to day if not.

I think that's mean of your mum.

I was in your position after xh left for 2 years, as he couldn't have the dc. I was actually shocked about the sudden end to my freedom. I remember thinking "it's now illegal for me to go beyond my front gate" (as the dc couldn't be left)

The resentment of him having total freedom vs my none was huge. I flipped between hating him and desperately wanting him back, for normality to resume.

Anyway that's possibly not relevant to you. My thought is, do you have friends who would come and be with you in the evenings?

Hello Hun.

Again I can't offer any practical help. I was widowed when 3 months PG & brought my up DS alone. My parents did what they could but they worked some 200 miles away, only spent weekends in my area & my MIL was about 300 miles away. There was no-one else who I felt able to leave my <challenging> DS with. As a single mum you have the problem of how you get any any sitter home don't you? You can't get kiddie out of bed in order to drive them home, but you can't leave the baby sitter to make their own way home.

I was lucky in that I lived on a 1970's estate & was active in my local church. I rarely went out (due to my DS's behavioural issues) but when I needed to go to parent's evenings etc I found a very nice family who lived within sight of my house with a member of my church who had a 14 year old daughter who was able to babysit. That meant that I was able to tell her parents that she was on her way, watch her from my house & then they could take over.

I have been here too, big hugs, it was so lonely at the time, sometimes my whole weekend of adult contact consisted of people in shops, waiting staff in restaurants (prezzo, pizza express), ballet/swim mums etc. I did have babysitters but it was so expensive to do that and have a night out.

Now they are nearly 14yrs and nearly 18yrs, life is so much easier. I do a lot of exercise classes, I like my job which helps and I travel with work a fair bit but I'm still on my own. I did have a boyfriend for 6mnths last year but to be honest it was like having another child and another person to look after. I'm going to keep trying though. I'm sure my person is out there but I'm enjoying this part of my life as the pressure feels off somewhat.

There are by the way lots of facebook groups for dating. Usually people just hang around in them to chat rather than meet people although I believe it happens.

Do you have any friends with kids that you can do an exchange of babysitting time with? School run in exchange for an evening of babysitting,?

GOD I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS(!)

I've been at the motorway services at 05:00 with a hyperactive child letting him 'play' on the motorbike games (without spending money) while I drink tea. We've been in the park at dawn playing on the swings.

I wonder how I did it, but I did - somehow you do JFDI. Just F**cking Do It.

But how does a lone parent get the babysitter home?

Also a lone parent since DS was born. He is nearly 12. Absolutely everything has been down to me. He is just on the cusp of being more independent but after 10+ years of hard slog my enthusiasm for doing new things after work, childcare and all the other life stuff is fairly low.

Also you get people saying the most inane things. Only the other week a much younger colleague said 'in your position I'd be out dating all the time'. Would you now 🙄

Yep. And all your friends are busy doing "family" stuff at the weekend. Did not love it when they used to ask me what I had done all weekend just for me to repeat "oh you know the usual stuff, not much...." when in fact it had felt like hours of washing, cooking, homework and parenting by myself.

Mine are older now but if I could go back, knowing what I know now, I genuinely would've tried these:
Joined a local church (I'm not very religous) to be part of a community
Formed a book group that only met at my house
Got together with other single mums and their dc on weekends (via FB groups)
or even moved in with another single mum if possible

Of course dating is much trickier.

Absolutely miserable time and I really feel for you.

Their parents come and get them.

They use to come but I honestly felt worse having them here as they would only come on a weekend before a night out often dressed up to the nines (felt like a bit of a pity party) excited about their night out whilst I was stuck at home just kind of rubbed it in a bit more obviously they didn't mean to but it was hard thinking about how trapped I am.

I'm fine with my mum not having my children it's her choice although it's sad because she has my brother's children weekly but I don't really speak to her now which makes it easier.

LOL I know - people say some really unhelpful things. I don't know that they are thinking!

I had a phone friend I met OLD. We would chat at night about all sorts. It helped until I could get out and circulate socially. They lived miles away so meeting wasn't an option. But having an adult to share the day with of an evening was really good at times.