Should we call it quits?

[Curtytin]

I have been with my amazing boyfriend for a year, we are both almost 30. We don’t live together as yet, he lives with his parents and I have my own house with a mortgage. He stays about half the week here depending on our shifts at work. I’m happy with how things are going, he wants to move things along in terms of living together and having children. I do want those things but feel very content right now with how things are, don’t feel in any rush. Typically I like to move at a slow enough pace in relationships.
he thinks we now need to call it a day as we aren’t on the same page?

Well if you aren’t on the same page he is right. I was always clear with my husband I didn’t want kids and he did. He wanted to marry me anyway with or without kids, which was brave considering how much he wanted them. If you aren’t on the same page and one of you won’t compromise it’s over really. But if one of you is prepared to change…

I think you’re being a bit hasty about ending the relationship. It makes me think that maybe you aren’t that into him if you’d walk away so easily.

I’m not the one wanting to end the relationship?

Is he an amazing boyfriend or an amazing husband material?

He is amazing yeah. I love spending time with him, I just don’t want to move in together at this stage or start TTC

Well of course he wants to take the opportunity to move out of his parents house into yours. And he’s pressuring you because you’re not yet there.

Personally I’d ditch him for the ultimatum alone.

So he wants to move into your house, and he wants to have kids with you as well. So he appears to be committed to the relationship. Or is it just that he's had enough of living with his parents.

Ffs, ttc? You’ve only known each other a year!

Personally I think if you don't want him to move in (which is totally fine and sensible) he is not the right person for you. It's early days you should be crazy in love not plodding along.

Exactly. When I think of a few years time I do think of doing all those things with him but not at this stage

Think this might at the heart of it
He wants to move out of parents house and not pay rent
Does he do any cooking or cleaning or make any financial contribution when staying over?

He doesn’t pay anything when he stays but he does cook and clean and buys a fair bit of the shopping for us

I knew on my second date I wanted to marry my husband. We have been married for 26 years now.
I am a labour ward midwife. If you want children at some point in the future I would commit to this relationship. Woman's fertility window closes fast. Faster for some women than others

He might not understand that you want all those things with him but you prefer to take things slowly? Maybe he assumes you don't want any of those milestones with him? You've only been together for one year so it's more about right time rather then right person?

Why is a man of nearly 30 still living at home with his parents?

Maybe he wants to know whether you want these things in the future and if so what kind of timescale. It's good to have these chats and know where you stand but if you do want them but in 2-3 years that might be what he's looking for, to know you are on the same track eventually

We have had many chats about it. He knows I want those things.

The ultimatum from your boyfriend is unreasonable. It shows immaturity in relationships. And also a little of trying to exert some control over you.

I’d be careful, this could be him showing you that this is how the relationship will be in the future, his way or no way.

Have you explained to him that you don’t ever want to move the relationship on, just not right now?

I agree with others- he wants to move out of his parents, why don’t you say let’s start looking at properties then to buy together 50/50 deposit and cost and gauge his reaction that will tell you all you need to know

Whats he like with money? Does he have savings?

If it were me and I was wanting kids "at some point" with him I think I'd be wanting to start giving it a go around your age in case there were any fertility issues - waiting lists for gynaecology investigations etc are long if any intervention was needed. I had to have loads of investigations and IVF at 29. If fundamentally you think he'd be a good Dad and you would want children at some point then...maybe now is a good time to have these conversations and either take the plunge or go your separate ways. I think its fair enough of him to bring it up.

I think he’s right to end it if you’re not at the same stage. He needs to find someone who wants what he wants.

You don’t seem particularly sad that he wants to end it though, so maybe you’re just not that into him? Or him you, if he’s so willing to end it now.

However, at your age I wouldn’t be wasting time. I needed IVF at your age.

Draw up an agreement detailing what he'll be expected to pay towards bills each month and see if he's so pushy to move in then...

Ultimatum is U after only one year.

Unless I was far, far wealthier than my partner I’d never entertain ttc without marriage first due to the ‘motherhood penalty’ and risk of a previously good partner being unwilling to make career compromises in order to share parenting fairly.

I am sad but im not going to let that feeling make me jump into something im not ready for

Very sensible of you, OP< given that you've only known him a year

I'm afraid the "he lives with his parents/I have my own place" suggests possible red flags to me. Has he used this opportunity to build up savings, or has he spent all his salary and is now eyeballing someone who's already in a decent position?