Page 2 | Should we call it quits?

Curtytin · 2025-02-12T18:31:04+00:00

I have been with my amazing boyfriend for a year, we are both almost 30. We don’t live together as yet, he lives with his parents and I have my own house with a mortgage. He stays about half the week here depending on our shifts at work. I’m happy with how things are going, he wants to move things along in terms of living together and having children. I do want those things but feel very content right now with how things are, don’t feel in any rush. Typically I like to move at a slow enough pace in relationships. he thinks we now need to call it a day as we aren’t on the same page?

Original poster

Curtytin · 12/02/2025 19:10

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2025 19:09

Very sensible of you, OP< given that you've only known him a year

I'm afraid the "he lives with his parents/I have my own place" suggests possible red flags to me. Has he used this opportunity to build up savings, or has he spent all his salary and is now eyeballing someone who's already in a decent position?

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He is saving to buy a house, that’s another thing- he would like us to buy a house together.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2025 19:17

Curtytin · 12/02/2025 19:10

He is saving to buy a house, that’s another thing- he would like us to buy a house together.

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But unless it's somehow unsuitable for two you already have a house?

The "saving to buy" can also mean a lot of things, from a real desire to get established right down to an excuse not to pay board while actually saving nothing much ... do you know which it is?

And while he's apparently talking about living together and having DCs you said nothing about marriage. Is this something either of you want?

Original poster

Curtytin · 12/02/2025 19:19

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2025 19:17

But unless it's somehow unsuitable for two you already have a house?

The "saving to buy" can also mean a lot of things, from a real desire to get established right down to an excuse not to pay board while actually saving nothing much ... do you know which it is?

And while he's apparently talking about living together and having DCs you said nothing about marriage. Is this something either of you want?

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no neither of us are too interested in getting married

OP posts:

Semiramide · 12/02/2025 19:28

Are you hesitating because you simply aren’t ready or because you feel uncertain about him and the relationship?

As for not being too interested in getting married - have you actually considered the implications of being an unmarried mother? What if the relationship were to go pear-shaped…

Original poster

Curtytin · 12/02/2025 19:43

Semiramide · 12/02/2025 19:28

Are you hesitating because you simply aren’t ready or because you feel uncertain about him and the relationship?

As for not being too interested in getting married - have you actually considered the implications of being an unmarried mother? What if the relationship were to go pear-shaped…

Well I have a good job and have been independent for a while now so I’m not too worried about that. I’d be more worried about marrying him in terms of my assets

OP posts:

Wonderi · 12/02/2025 19:44

If you’re not on the same page, you’re not on the same page.

There’s not a lot you can do.

Tell him how you feel like you have on here and then it’s up to him whether he ends the relationship or not.

Bibi12 · 12/02/2025 20:03

Semiramide · 12/02/2025 19:28

Are you hesitating because you simply aren’t ready or because you feel uncertain about him and the relationship?

As for not being too interested in getting married - have you actually considered the implications of being an unmarried mother? What if the relationship were to go pear-shaped…

Why on MN there is always this assumption that all men own assets while all women become SAHM and have nothing so marriage is their only lifeline? It's extremely sexist attitude and nobody ever asks men how they will cope as unmarried father. I owned more assets then my ex. The only thing I would have gotten in divorce is his debts but luckily we weren't married.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2025 20:11

It’s not sexist. The ‘motherhood penalty’ often applies to those working full time too. There’s no ‘fatherhood penalty’ financially or in the labour market and in general men earn more, have more assets and their earning ability continues.

Lmnop22 · 12/02/2025 20:19

Stand firm, tell him you see those things in the future but not now because you aren’t ready.

If he won’t wait then he’s told you all you need to know and the end of the relationship is for the best. q

I have to say I find it very strange that he is saying he is so serious about you he wants to move in together, marry, have kids etc yet in the next breath he’s saying he wants to end the relationship?! The math ain’t mathing there

Bibi12 · 12/02/2025 20:21

Loopytiles · 12/02/2025 20:11

It’s not sexist. The ‘motherhood penalty’ often applies to those working full time too. There’s no ‘fatherhood penalty’ financially or in the labour market and in general men earn more, have more assets and their earning ability continues.

It is sexist full stop. There are women who don't take on all the parenting while the man continues their career uninterapted, some people share their responsibilities or even reverse roles. There are women who own a lot of assets and husbands who come to marriage with nothing. I already told you I would lose out more then gained in my divorce yet I'm still judged as stupid for not getting married.

Just because I'm female doesn't allow you to judge my personal situation and whether it's financially beneficial for me to get married. We're not all in same boat.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/02/2025 20:25

Bibi12 · 12/02/2025 20:21

It is sexist full stop. There are women who don't take on all the parenting while the man continues their career uninterapted, some people share their responsibilities or even reverse roles. There are women who own a lot of assets and husbands who come to marriage with nothing. I already told you I would lose out more then gained in my divorce yet I'm still judged as stupid for not getting married.

Just because I'm female doesn't allow you to judge my personal situation and whether it's financially beneficial for me to get married. We're not all in same boat.

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You shouldn't take this personally. PP is likely basing her advice on what is the majority situation, as evidenced by stats in the UK as well as other western countries: there is a motherhood penalty for women, and a stiff one too.

Millyjanice · 12/02/2025 20:29

Curtytin · 12/02/2025 19:43

Well I have a good job and have been independent for a while now so I’m not too worried about that. I’d be more worried about marrying him in terms of my assets

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Well said, OP !
You sound very shrewd and rightly so.

You are both on the same page from the sound of it. You want kids too and to live together. Just not now.
It does sound like he wants to move away from his parents and you are the easy option.

He's given you an ultimatum hasn’t he ? To me, it comes across as a bit blackmailing and icky.

Remember this, OP. If someone truly loves you they will wait for you !!
And one year into the relationship, he wants to just move in and ttc ? Sounds not quite right.

Bibi12 · 12/02/2025 20:29

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/02/2025 20:25

You shouldn't take this personally. PP is likely basing her advice on what is the majority situation, as evidenced by stats in the UK as well as other western countries: there is a motherhood penalty for women, and a stiff one too.

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I'm not taking it personally at all I just find it very sexist because not everyone's life is reflection of statistics. Yet the advice about getting married is always given in self-righteous way as in "you're stupid if you don't get married before having children ". Not all men own assets and have huge pensions and not all women come to marriage with nothing and take on all parenting.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/02/2025 20:42

It's not sexist to give warning advice based on the truly dreadful outcomes of women "coming to marriage with nothing and taking on all parenting" because we see those outcomes here alllll the time. I also see it in my own cohort, and the fate of my mother and other women of her generation was ghastly.

If you're independent, that's truly great. But that is still a minority situation.

Hopefully it will become less and less prevalent - but there are a lot of forces working against it, I am dubious and concerned for my children.

Bibi12 · 12/02/2025 21:03

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 12/02/2025 20:42

It's not sexist to give warning advice based on the truly dreadful outcomes of women "coming to marriage with nothing and taking on all parenting" because we see those outcomes here alllll the time. I also see it in my own cohort, and the fate of my mother and other women of her generation was ghastly.

If you're independent, that's truly great. But that is still a minority situation.

Hopefully it will become less and less prevalent - but there are a lot of forces working against it, I am dubious and concerned for my children.

The definition of sexist is making opinion/judgement based purely on someone's sex.
It is not sexist to state that statistically women are more vulnerable. That is true. But it is sexist to suggest to woman who you don't know that she must be better off married or insinuate she must be stupid for not getting married just because she is a woman.
So again:
Saying women are statistically more vulnerable after having children- not sexist
Saying to someone they must get married /are stupid for not getting married just because they are a woman = sexist.

northernlight20 · 12/02/2025 21:21

For once, a sensible woman on here. Taking it slow and if he can’t/wont accept that, let him go. Don’t be pressured into it.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/02/2025 21:40

You sound like you'd be sad but not devastated. Perhaps he wouldn't be devastated either.

Life with kids can be difficult, and life can have all sorts of stress with illness, deaths, job losses and so on. Very difficult to go through things with someone you're not really 110% with.

Faz469 · 12/02/2025 21:57

Moving in after a year is OK. I did that with my hubby (well, he'll be my hubby in a weeks time). We'd been together 2 by the time we started ttc thinking it would take a while due to my pcos. However, we conceived straight away. We knew it was what we both wanted, so we were OK with it. But these are decisions you both need to be on the same page with.

It's ok to want to wait. I'd see the ultimatum as a huge red flag.