Will doing this give me the answers I so desperately need or make it worse?

[NavigatingNarcissism]

I have been the victim of a smear campaign by my mother and siblings. Brief history is I was the scapegoat and abused growing up. I had gone extremely LC but that angered my mother and she decided to go almost full NC but will randomly contact me as if nothing bad has ever happened (?) but she has spread awful lies about me to anyone who will listen.

Im not sure if this will feed her narcissism or if it will help give me closure but I want to ask her what exactly I’ve done to deserve all of this ? Or is it a really bad idea ?

Hi there, I'm sorry you're experiencing such a sad situation. You may ask her, the answer might not be helpful or honest but then at least you have tried...

She doesnt care. You will feel worse. Go nc and get lots and lots of therapy.

Knowing won't solve anything.

Telling them all to fuck off and giving them zero space in your life or your mind is the only solution.

Block them all, change your number, don't let them back in under any circumstances.

Is there an answer she could give that would make you feel better?

Your mum is abusive and obviously dysfunctional. She's not going to suddenly be rational and explain her reasoning for being abusive.

I don't know the details but from what you write, your mum has turned everyone against you. Dysfunctional families thrive on everyone having a role and your role is to take the blame.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a good read. The website Out of the Fog might be helpful.

In answer to your question; no you're wasting your time. Your time would be better spent getting therapy and processing your childhood. Distance yourself from your family for your mental health.

I really don’t know I think part of me just wants to see what she says when confronted? In the past if ever i turned round and called her out on anything she would be shocked and would start shouting and crying that she felt scared of me and went into a total victim mode ? But I just want some clarity I don’t know how to get that . If she said she just hated me for no reason or if she had some kind of reason I just feel there’s this big area of my life where I can’t work out why my own mother just never loved me ?

You won’t get the response you’re hoping for. And potentially will provide fuel for a new smear campaign supported by your text which will be twisted.
Don’t do it. You won’t get closure. It will hirt even more.
Go NC and ignore any sporadic messages from her. If you can, get some therapy

I feel angry that as a child I felt there’s need to try and win her love and she let me do that. She would give me tasks to do and tell me it would make her like me more and I’d do anything yet still it wasn’t ever enough. There were all these mind games

She sounds absolutely awful. Giving tasks that will like you more, that is so so cruel.

You can't expect a reasonable response from an unreasonable person.
When dealing with a narcissist this question is only giving them an opportunity to spin their narrative and abuse you further.

As hard as it is you're only going to find peace when you can accept that you know the reality of the situation you're in and that you dont need an admission from them. Hold onto that truth and protect yourself and your peace. I second the previous poster who recommended therapy, as its not an easy road dealing with this from the people who are supposed to love you.

Yes I think that’s my fear that I will just be feeding her narcissism and I’ll end up hurt but then I keep going over and over in my mind all these things I just can’t understand and things only she knows the answer to but then I suppose that is me giving her power over me.

Look up Dr Ramani on you tube. She has really help me understand the narcissist in my life. She would say there is no explaining their behaviour. It will hurt you even more because they will never believe that they have done anything wrong.

Also just to say this is not down to something that you are lacking, the fault lies soley with her. Theres nothing you could have said or done differently to change how she treated you. I'm sorry that like so many of us you didnt get the loving parent that you deserved

You are still completely enmeshed op. You have to get to the point where you don't care why these things happened or else you run the risk of being a victim all your life. And she actually doesn't owe you any explanation and probably sees things very differently from you.
As an adult you are now responsible for you own happiness and peace of mind. Do whatever it takes, but consulting your Mum will not be helpful.

Block them all and get therapy to help you move forward. Your family will never tell you what you want to hear.

It's a bad idea because she's not going to give you any answers that you want or need to hear.

It's quite possible that her only reason is that it gives her pleasure to upset you. If you're hoping for a self reflective apology or some sport of epiphany accompanied by tears and a change of heart or similar, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I think this is a bad idea. She won't suddenly see the light, OP, she'll twist things and hurt you even more. It will, without a doubt, feed her narcissm. If you show vulnerability, she'll react like a shark around blood.

You need to take the decisive step to block her and go NC with HER. Let her say what she wants to about you. Detach.

In some ways if she said outright she hates me it would be helpful because all she’s ever done in the past is say ‘what are you on about ? It’s your perception of things not anything I’m doing ?’ Or when I was a child and used to ask her why she didn’t like or love me she would say ‘it’s how you feel it’s not anything I’m doing’ and things like that it was clear from actions but she would twist things and say I perceive things wrong and that’s why it was so hard for her

THIS
you will never get the validation you need / never ever ever.
They will never change.
No giving them 'one' more chance.
People who know them, will know what they like.
And decent people won't believe the lies (only the drama queens)
Stay well clear of them too.
Go, live your best life, and never look back

You have to understand that you are dealing with someone who feels totally justified for how they behaved. For example if you had been a more loving kid, she wouldn’t have needed you to prove it, if you hadn’t have acted like X then she wouldn’t have needed to have done Y, if her husband hadnt have made her life so difficult she wouldn’t have been more responsive etc. The list will go on, that’s if she even acknowledges any of your childhood memories at all.
Part of healing as an adult is giving up on the idea of ever having an authentic relationship with our abusive parents, which we avoid because it’s essentially giving up on them as people.

It might not give you answers but it might help bring you some closure.

Before having the confrontation though, I recommend reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. An excellent book that explores the dynamics of toxic dysfunctional families. It has a whole section on how to have “the talk” with your abusive parent.

will randomly contact me as if nothing bad has ever happened (?)

you’ve been groomed for this from childhood but it’s not working on you so well now. Whatever you do or say during any attempt to ‘sort it out’ you cannot reach her. It cannot be sorted out. She cannot hear you. She’s too busy hearing her own inner voice telling her she’s amazing.

And after the attempt to connect and her abusive outbursts? She’ll randomly contact you as if nothing bad has ever happened. Because that’s all she can do.

Sadly, it's a bad idea, OP. If she's a narcissist she probably won't care enough to explain plus her reasoning will be ridiculous and probably fantasy.
It'll just upset you further and frustrate you.
Don't feed her fire.
Just remove yourself from her life.

It sounds as though your mother will never acknowledge that she is in the wrong. So if you ask her, all she will do is deny any wrongdoing on her part, make it sound reasonable by making out that you were an awful child who deserved punishment or break down in tears and wail that she was the best mother she could be and why are you so terrible as to pick holes in her parenting when she was only trying her best...

She won't be able to vocalise why she treated you badly because, in her head, she didn't. It was either your fault, or your misremembering. So keep up the NC and don't bother.

If your parent was cruel to you as a small child they will have no problem being spiteful to you as an adult. Whatever you say falls into a void. My abusive parent died some time ago and I can safely say his ability to connect with people hasn’t got any worse! ;)