Will doing this give me the answers I so desperately need or make it worse?

[NavigatingNarcissism]

I have been the victim of a smear campaign by my mother and siblings. Brief history is I was the scapegoat and abused growing up. I had gone extremely LC but that angered my mother and she decided to go almost full NC but will randomly contact me as if nothing bad has ever happened (?) but she has spread awful lies about me to anyone who will listen.

Im not sure if this will feed her narcissism or if it will help give me closure but I want to ask her what exactly I’ve done to deserve all of this ? Or is it a really bad idea ?

What Vroomfondleswaistcoat wrote.

Do not contact your abusive mother to get any answers. She will never admit any wrongdoing and you will not get any answers. You have also received the Special Training since childhood to put her first with your own needs and wants dead last. You do not mention your dad here but women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them; this is often her H. And she's always hated him.

Your time would indeed be better spent getting therapy, reading Children of the Self Absorbed and watching Dr Ramani on Youtube.

"Some questions don't need answers anymore"

I can't find where that quote comes from so it's probably not quite right but the jist of it is that you probably don't need to know, and won't gain from knowing why she's doing it anymore. She'll lie anyway. The only thing in your power is how you move forward.

I literally won’t hear from her for months and months then suddenly will get a message or a call something like ‘oh just calling/texting you to say I got some new curtains’ will describe in great detail as if we chat regularly ? Or something like ‘do you remember Mary from the shop ? Well she died last week’ then when I don’t respond as if we are besties and chat (because I’m usually caught off guard and she makes me feel stressed and uneasy) she will get irritated and say well you’re CLEARLY TOO BUSY to talk to me and hangs up or then doesn’t text for months and months again

Op you’ve worked out that most people don’t operate like this and neither would most people be happy about that sort of relating. It’s called the ‘reset button’ and it works on the principle that you are desperate for connection and calm. She knows this and for the main it works on you. It’s very hard to unlearn these patterns as they would have been modelled to you before you were even able to talk.

Reading about dysfunctional relating and disordered parents will fit some of the jigsaw together.

Cut your mum and your siblings off and block them on everything. You don't need them, they are ruining your mental health and they will never ever admit to any wrongdoing. You will always be the scapegoat. If you haven't done this already, please seek some therapy to try and deal with your mum's abusive treatment of your in childhood and adulthood.

keep going over and over in my mind all these things I just can’t understand and things only she knows the answer to but then I suppose that is me giving her power over me.

She does NOT know the answer. Honestly. People with narcissistic traits like this have extremely disordered thinking. when sh etells you its your perception or whatever, she genuinely 100% believes it. If you produce evidence, she will find a way to derail and DARVO you.

You need to seek therapy as soon as possible becuase honestly, trying to get an answer or closure from her is impossible.

Sunat45degrees is right. People who owe you an apology and instead expect you to act like nothing has happened are toxic people. This isn't how you should be treated by anyone, let alone your own mother.
Spreading lies about you is a terrible thing to do. But you can't fix it, and you shouldn't expect anything from her. I know it sounds harsh but you aren't going to get an explanation or an apology, or anything you need from her. She isn't capable of doing normal things that mothers do. Its really in your own best interests to stop needing anything from her, and let her go.

Look for the Stately Homes threads;
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

What a horrible, vile creature! You're better off without her. I hope you have loving friends, a family of your own maybe, to help show you you deserve love and happiness 💐