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Original poster

Do I walk away from this?

36 replies

chairsandtables · 11/02/2025 16:23

Name changed for this.
I’m 46 and a divorced mum of two wonderful NT DDs. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has two ND DSs similar ages to my girls. We met at work.

We don’t live together as I haven’t wanted to. I love my time with my girls and don’t want to risk disrupting our set up. I have my own house, a good job and co-parent with my ex 50/50. I don’t need anything from a man but I’d like to have fun with someone - days out, holidays etc and for someone to have their own friends and hobbies plus a zest for life.

When my partner and I met we had a strong physical connection and that provided a lot of the glue that held us together. He’s had a tough time a few year’s ago as his son was very sick (he’s recovered now).

He’s homebody and likes watching tv. When we got together we tended to meet in restaurants/cafes/bars and he seemed quite different to how he is now.

Im feeling bored and don’t want to have sex with him anymore. This is hurting him which I don’t want to do but my world feels small. He doesn’t have much spare cash so we can’t go on holiday together and he doesn’t see any friends on a regular basis - maybe once every other year. If I want to use one of the weekends I don’t have my girls to see friends or do something for my parents he complains.

We are talking about splitting up as the lack of sex is making him miserable (I don’t want to make him miserable) and our weekends are pretty depressing and tense.

From what I have written it seems obvious that I should leave but I’m haunted by the fact this is similar to the reasons I left my exH and maybe I’m flawed by being bored and wanting more? Also I hear my mums voice worrying about me being alone.

Should I end this? Or do I need to set myself out?

OP posts:
CunkonEarth · 11/02/2025 16:27

Why would you want to be with someone who complains if you have a life, but isn't able or willing to participate in things you'd like to do? If your weekends together are tense and miserable, no wonder you don't want sex. If he won't go away or do things with you other than sitting on the sofa but also moans if you go off to see friends, take trips etc, then what is the point of being together?

CunkonEarth · 11/02/2025 16:28

Also I'd say ignore your mums voice - better to be single with a fulfilling life than with a miserable partner and no life just so you're not 'alone' (you have dc and friends, so not alone anyway!)

ShushImTalking · 11/02/2025 16:30

Set yourself free, and enjoy your life. We only get one, after all.

Loopytiles · 11/02/2025 16:32

seems like its run its course due to incompatibilities and your understandable loss of attraction to him. Being single would be better IMO!

Flipslop · 11/02/2025 16:33

Would he / you try couples therapy to see if there’s a way for both of you to have your needs met. There’s zero wrong in walking from a relationship that doesn’t make you happy but it’s probs worth exploring why you hit a bored point, if nothing else so you can calm to voice in your head telling you you’re doing something wrong by wanting out.
if he can’t see that he’s changed over the years and isn’t so great to be around any longer then it’s difficult to see how this can work, him clawing your independence back is a red flag for sure!
is there a chance that he is ND himself and struggles with the big world and too much going on around him?

TwistedWonder · 11/02/2025 16:35

Having a happy, full single life is a million times preferable than being in an unfulfilling relationship with the wrong man who doesn’t add to your life.

Boomer55 · 11/02/2025 16:58

You’re not happy, you’re not making him happy. It’s over. 🤷‍♀️

Bittenonce · 11/02/2025 17:11

Boomer55 · 11/02/2025 16:58

You’re not happy, you’re not making him happy. It’s over. 🤷‍♀️

This. And its not going to change, for either of you, right?
Frankly it sounds like you've got nothing to lose

11JustBeKind11 · 11/02/2025 17:15

chairsandtables · 11/02/2025 16:23

Name changed for this.
I’m 46 and a divorced mum of two wonderful NT DDs. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has two ND DSs similar ages to my girls. We met at work.

We don’t live together as I haven’t wanted to. I love my time with my girls and don’t want to risk disrupting our set up. I have my own house, a good job and co-parent with my ex 50/50. I don’t need anything from a man but I’d like to have fun with someone - days out, holidays etc and for someone to have their own friends and hobbies plus a zest for life.

When my partner and I met we had a strong physical connection and that provided a lot of the glue that held us together. He’s had a tough time a few year’s ago as his son was very sick (he’s recovered now).

He’s homebody and likes watching tv. When we got together we tended to meet in restaurants/cafes/bars and he seemed quite different to how he is now.

Im feeling bored and don’t want to have sex with him anymore. This is hurting him which I don’t want to do but my world feels small. He doesn’t have much spare cash so we can’t go on holiday together and he doesn’t see any friends on a regular basis - maybe once every other year. If I want to use one of the weekends I don’t have my girls to see friends or do something for my parents he complains.

We are talking about splitting up as the lack of sex is making him miserable (I don’t want to make him miserable) and our weekends are pretty depressing and tense.

From what I have written it seems obvious that I should leave but I’m haunted by the fact this is similar to the reasons I left my exH and maybe I’m flawed by being bored and wanting more? Also I hear my mums voice worrying about me being alone.

Should I end this? Or do I need to set myself out?

Sounds like you want different things.

So am I correct… He’s content to be a coach potato and a hermit, whilst you may be content with this once in a while you also want a more fuller, balanced life with friends and family included sometimes, to go to a restaurant and on a holiday once in a while.

Which one sounds healthier??

Compatibility and wanting the same things are very important in a relationship. Giving each other independence and freedom is also important.

It’s totally ok to both want different things on different days as long as the other one doesn’t stop you doing what you want! It’s healthy to do things separately from time to time. You get time to miss each other and have different things to chat about when you do meet up.

You both need to make eachother happy more than you make eachother unhappy. It’s sounds like it’s the latter :(

Time to love yourself and move on…

Original poster
chairsandtables · 11/02/2025 17:16

Thanks for the replies.
@CunkonEarth i have been thinking what’s the point. Sometimes it’s hard to face something is over though. We are close and he’s really struggling with the prospect of us splitting.

@ShushImTalking when I think about splitting up, it does feel like freedom.

@Flipslop I was wondering about therapy but then I just can’t see how we solve it. I think I need time on my own to follow my own interests. He might be ND but I’m not sure how that should affect my decision.

The relationship conversations have centred around the lack of sex which is a huge problem for him. At first, I didn’t know why my libido had disappeared and thought it could be perimenopause. Perhaps it is? But after almost splitting on Sunday, I think it’s more that our time together isn’t fun and I feel dragged down by the relationship which doesn’t make me want to be intimate.

OP posts:
CunkonEarth · 11/02/2025 17:23

I bet if he were more willing to be an active participant in your lives, your libido would be just fun. It's a massive turn off seeing a partner just slouching about with no drive.

This is partially why I left my exH, and always wondered why I didn't do it sooner. I can't imagine it's your fault for being 'bored' but you may be sensitive to it if your ex was also like this. You need to find someone who stimulates you in multiple areas of life, as well as the bedroom!

Seaoftroubles · 11/02/2025 17:23

OP it's, a good thing that you don't live together, that makes a parting of the ways easier. You say you are bored and that you both want different things so it sounds like your relationship has run it's course. People change and you are no longer compatible so best to end things and pursue the life that you want for yourself and your family.

CunkonEarth · 11/02/2025 17:23

*just fine. But fun probably too

username299 · 11/02/2025 17:33

What are you doing? Why are you with a man you don't want to have sex with and bores you?

Just because your mum was terrified of being alone, doesn't mean you have to be.

You're obviously choosing similar men, so perhaps do some work on that before getting involved again.

Original poster
chairsandtables · 11/02/2025 17:45

Thanks @CunkonEarth and @Seaoftroubles.
@username299 harsh but maybe true. I do think I need someone who is more outgoing if I have another relationship.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 11/02/2025 18:29

When it's got to the point where you're bored and dread spending time with him, it's time to move on, also he isn't your match financially so you can't plan holidays etc. Not all relationships last forever and that's fine, it's served its purpose at the time but you need to enjoy life and the people closest to you.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 19:33

Being single is underrated and means you can really focus on yourself and your DCs and your friends! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single when the alternative is being in a relationship that makes you feel nothing and only seems to be causing you stress!

Daleksatemyshed · 11/02/2025 19:48

The freshness and novelty of a new partner makes the first few months more exciting, more sexual.Now the shine has worn off for you Op, he doesn't take you out, you don't want to live together, basically it isn't the relationship you hoped it was. The whole thing sounds like you've lost interest, that's fine, if it doesn't work for you then end it

2025willbemytime · 11/02/2025 19:52

Would you say a woman who had two partners who were violent that it's her fault and has to accept it? No. Of course you wouldn't. It's just bad luck you've had crap times two.

This is not on you and the best thing you can do for you and your daughters is end this non relationship.

How bloody dare he complain when you want to see your parents!

PullTheBricksDown · 11/02/2025 19:53

Is he at all willing to compromise? Doesn't sound like it. If he doesn't want to go out but also moans at you if you go out, that's heading in the direction of controlling. So is his fixation on not having sex. He's not entitled to it.

martinisforeveryone · 11/02/2025 19:59

@chairsandtables so, am I to understand that out of everyone in this wider relationship the one person who's happy is your Mum's voice about you not being alone?

He's unhappy that you're not giving him the one thing he seems to want from you and you're not giving him that because you're not happy with just about everything?

You're not right for each other at all, sorry.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/02/2025 20:10

I read a piece about when we find someone really attractive when we have been with them for a while - it is usually when we are out and about, and we see them doing something well. Something they enjoy and are good at - we are reminded of the qualities that drew us in.
This man is sitting in front of the telly, moaning at you for wanting to do other things, and then complains you don’t want to have sex with him.
Why on earth would you want to have sex with him?
There is nothing happening to foster a connection. When you need connection you look to your friends and family, because you aren’t getting it here.
At 46, you are far, far too young to be settling for this and bugger what your mum says.
You have any awful lot to offer a partner go and find someone you can share a sense of adventure with. Not someone to share the Radio Times with.
And as for him struggling without you, it’s not your problem.
And don’t worry if you left a previous partner for a similar reason because a lot of people do. They get fed up of someone who is not compatible.

Devianinc · 12/02/2025 00:00

Just don’t. It’ll ruin your life. He’s not your soul mate. He only pretended to be to catch you. You’re way too young for this garbage. Alone is better than this will ever be, and you’re allowed to change your mind. This isn’t what you want. Be your own best friend and leave this one behind.

healthybychristmas · 12/02/2025 00:32

You know damn well he will perk himself up if he found himself dumped and had to look for someone else. He's just being lazy. Maybe take a break from each other for a while and see whether you miss him.

Enough4me · 12/02/2025 00:38

OP you're bored because he's boring. He doesn't do anything and doesn't like you seeing family and friends.
Let go of any guilt/doubt (which are just signs you are not rushing and being reflective to check your decision making) and end this.