Do I walk away from this?

[chairsandtables]

Name changed for this.
I’m 46 and a divorced mum of two wonderful NT DDs. I have been with my partner for 5 years. He has two ND DSs similar ages to my girls. We met at work.

We don’t live together as I haven’t wanted to. I love my time with my girls and don’t want to risk disrupting our set up. I have my own house, a good job and co-parent with my ex 50/50. I don’t need anything from a man but I’d like to have fun with someone - days out, holidays etc and for someone to have their own friends and hobbies plus a zest for life.

When my partner and I met we had a strong physical connection and that provided a lot of the glue that held us together. He’s had a tough time a few year’s ago as his son was very sick (he’s recovered now).

He’s homebody and likes watching tv. When we got together we tended to meet in restaurants/cafes/bars and he seemed quite different to how he is now.

Im feeling bored and don’t want to have sex with him anymore. This is hurting him which I don’t want to do but my world feels small. He doesn’t have much spare cash so we can’t go on holiday together and he doesn’t see any friends on a regular basis - maybe once every other year. If I want to use one of the weekends I don’t have my girls to see friends or do something for my parents he complains.

We are talking about splitting up as the lack of sex is making him miserable (I don’t want to make him miserable) and our weekends are pretty depressing and tense.

From what I have written it seems obvious that I should leave but I’m haunted by the fact this is similar to the reasons I left my exH and maybe I’m flawed by being bored and wanting more? Also I hear my mums voice worrying about me being alone.

Should I end this? Or do I need to set myself out?

The relationship has run its course. Sometimes that just happens. You’re not married and you don’t live together and I can’t see any reason to stick with this when it’s not making you (or him, by the sound of it) happy.

You said yourself that you don’t want to live with someone and that you don’t need a man around, but that you want fun, someone to be close to and have a nice time with. You are no longer having a nice time with this man and the relationship is therefore not working. There’s no reason to stick with it forever out of guilt - not all relationships are permanent, or even should be. Life changes, people change. It doesn’t mean you are the problem. You’ve done nothing wrong and it has no connection with your marriage ending.

God no, what a depressing relationship. Absolutely leave. You're bored, he's pissy you have a life outside him, it's just not worth dragging it on because you're worried about being alone. You sound like a very competent and together woman, why would you not still be that same woman on your own?

First of all, your mum is talking nonsense. I'm 50 and I used to hear similar from my mum about the worst thing that could happen was that I'd end up single. It's nonsense.

Why stay in a non relationship you're not happy in with a man who doesn't share your interests (and, let's face it, going on holiday or our for dinner are hardly wild!) just so you can say you have a boyfriend?

when I think about splitting up, it does feel like freedom.

That's the voice I'd be listening to.

Your voice.

I really appreciate all the responses. There are a number of things about the relationship I’ve been accepting that I shouldn’t. I’ve felt guilty about being in a stronger financial situation and him having such a tough time with his younger son. But it’s got to stop. I can’t feel guilty forever.

He sent me a long email last night. He’s starting to realise that him obsessing over sex is self indulgent. He also says he can see we are on different paths and he wants to be on mine. I gave up alcohol at Christmas 2023, exercise regularly, set career/learning goals etc. The sort of behaviour my ex hated about me! But it’s just how I am!

im not sure what to do. I’d come to terms with splitting as I didn’t think he’d be so self aware.

With regards to your respective salaries, I think you need to ask yourself why you feel guilty for out earning him.

Is it just because you have more disposable income? Because there is a level on which you believe the man should he the higher earner?

Guilt is the absolute last reason you should be in a relationship with anyone. You don't owe him just because you earn more!

This seems like he’s willing to make an effort to save the relationship.

My advice would be to tell him exactly what you need to change, give it three months, and if you’re not feeling different then end the relationship at that stage and you’ll always be grateful you tried everything rather than wondering if things would have changed and potentially living with regrets.

Even after that email I would still feel
the same. If the thought of freedom makes you feel relieved, choose that.
It is all very well sending an email but actions speak louder. He needs to do those things for himself, not because he senses he is losing you.

I’d split up. One of the benefits of getting older is that you have more free time (and hopefully money) to do the things you want to do. You’ve come through the hard years - marriage, divorce, raising kids, etc. - and now you have the opportunity to focus more on yourself. You, rightly in my view, want to enjoy the fruits of all your hard work and live it up a little, go on holiday and spend some time with friends. He wants to sit at home.

Neither are wrong but they are different and you are no longer making each other happy. He has more to lose if you’re his main social support, but that’s not a reason for you to stay.

This is one of the simpler problems I've read on here. You've simply outgrown him, moved on a bit, and you don't love him anymore. You know what you have to do, really, don't you?

Yeah, you know.
He’s showing self awareness - but bottom line is he’s happy sitting around doing f*ck all and you want to use your time seeing people, going places, doing fun stuff. Talking about it is fine but is he saying to you ‘on Saturday why don’t we take a skiing lesson then I can get tickets for this concert in the evening’?
Is he ever likely to suggest a child free weekend could be arranged and used for a spa day or an extreme day trip?
Or is he still as uninteresting, just more aware than you thought, of what you need that you’re not getting?