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Original poster

Really sad about pregnancy

45 replies

Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 15:58

Hi all, you are all probably going to think I’m a bit silly but I can’t get this off my mind.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years and he has a son from his previous marriage - I love him like my own. He’s just brilliant. When we got together my partner wanted more children but over the years he’s changed his mind and doesn’t. I’ve found it very very hard to accept as I wanted my own children but love the life I have with my DP and DSS (who we have 4/5 nights a week) more than my own want for children - one of us had to compromise and so it was me. I am very sad about it but my DP and DSS mean too much to me to let go - I can of course still feel sad about what I won’t have.

I was in tears telling my best friends about this a couple of weeks ago…and now my best friend has just announced she’s pregnant. I am SO happy for her and wish her nothing but the best but I cannot get over the sadness I feel that it isn’t me. I struggle a lot with peoples pregnancies and usually it’s ok but o think because this is so close to me I’m finding it hard.

How do I move on and put my relationship with my friend above my sadness? I don’t want to lose her, we’ve been friends for 16 years and she means the world to me but I am just finding this hard to navigate.

(I will add my DP knows how hard I am finding this and said the conversation isn’t totally off the table about kids but I don’t think he actually means that - I guess time will tell)

OP posts:
WifeImprovementWorksInProgress · 11/02/2025 16:01

This sounds really hard. You are allowed to feel upset, and you can still be a good friend.

I've got to ask - how old are you?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/02/2025 16:02

Just remember you have known your friend for longer than you have been with your partner.

You have chosen to not have children and to stay with your partner.

Original poster
Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 16:04

WifeImprovementWorksInProgress · 11/02/2025 16:01

This sounds really hard. You are allowed to feel upset, and you can still be a good friend.

I've got to ask - how old are you?

I’m 33 so definitely not too old to have children if we did want to, even in a few years. I think it’s just the uncertainty.

OP posts:
Louve · 11/02/2025 16:04

It sounds like this isn't totally off the table, and in fact, happens more often than we think with partners who already have kids and don't want another one.

My good friend always maintained this and then had a 3rd with his new girlfriend. Adding one more child to a family doesn't massively, massively complicate things if you are in a position financially and logistically to make it work. Don't give up hope and listen to your gut feeling!

category12 · 11/02/2025 16:04

How old are you?

Personally I'd choose having children over a bloke.

Don't hang on for "isn't totally off the table" - that's just raising a false hope as a palliative.

Original poster
Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 16:10

I guess the thing is if I split up with my DP I may not meet anyone else and children may not happen - I love my DP and my DSS so much and would never leave them for something that may not happen. I accept that by being with him I may never have children but I may not if I leave and then I’m without the love of my life, which he is.

I guess it’s just how I personally come to terms with that!

OP posts:
DaringLion · 11/02/2025 16:16

So when you got together he wanted more kids ,why did that suddenly change ?

category12 · 11/02/2025 16:17

Yeah but lots of relationships don't make it for a lifetime.

How would you feel if you broke up in a few years and your opportunity to have kids was also gone? You say he's DP, so there isn't the commitment of marriage or a civil partnership either?

I think the 'uncertainty' is quite cruel of him, tbh. He's had 7 years of your life so far and has moved the goalposts since you got together. Now he's breadcrumbing because you're upset.

wingsspan · 11/02/2025 16:22

I think you need to get a final answer out of your partner about whether he is or isn't willing to have more children with you.

He is probably scared you will leave if he says no, but keeping you hanging like this is cruel and you will never get closure whilst you are still wondering whether it will happen.

category12 · 11/02/2025 16:50

He's the love of your life (so far) but are you his?

He's done marriage and kids before, but not with you?

Or am I completely off-base and you're planning to marry - or you that doesn't want to?

JimHalpertsWife · 11/02/2025 16:53

Your current situation is a solid No Baby situation. Maybe your friends pregnancy has solidified that actually, you don't want to sign up for No Baby. Which is what you've done.

Leaving = Maybe Baby.

So you truly need to consider whether, today, No Baby is the route you still want to take.

I know for a lot of women they'd rather take the Maybe option. It's no uncommon for the man to leave once your fertile years are behind you and immediatley get someone else pregnant.

Inabitofbother · 11/02/2025 17:11

Heart felt sympathy pain for you - this is such a hard situation.

I’d be pushing dp for an answer so you aren’t left hoping. Tell him you are feeling increasingly like you’d love the stability of being married with a view to having kids and what’s on the table - anything, nothing?

You have time to find someone new and have a baby. 33 is still young. I appreciate it would be heartbreaking to have to leave dp and dss.

it is completely normal to have some heartache when you cannot have a baby and a friend falls pregnant. Just acknowledge to your friend how happy for her you are, and mention you are struggling with your own childlessness but you aren’t going to let to come between you. Hopefully your friend will give you a hug and promise not to taunt you with endless chatter about the baby!

Cerialkiller · 11/02/2025 17:15

The thing is. You aren't married, you have no parental rights o er dss who you love. Your dp could walk away tomorrow and take dss too.

BrendaSmall · 11/02/2025 17:15

He old is his son?
i’d definitely not want another child due to a big age gap between children

Original poster
Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 17:39

Thanks all, definitely some food for thought here.

I do need that conversation with DP - we are engaged and are planning our wedding so are planning a future but I understand what you’re all saying that isn’t permanent - even marriage isn’t permanent and I still may one day be alone!

OP posts:
3LittleFishes · 11/02/2025 17:49

He sounds like a bog standard future faker.
As soon as you are too old to have children he will be hooked up with a younger woman who is pregnant within the year....it happens far too often.
Personally I would take the wedding off the table for now until you have had some serious conversations about a potential baby, not in the 'maybe one day' sense, tell him you want to be pregnant before you are 35 and study his reaction closely.
He is doing very well out of this relationship, he has a bonus mother for his existing child and no pressure to give her a child of her own, he's hit the jackpot hasn't he!
I think if you stay with him you will end up with a lot of regrets later in life.

Cattenberg · 11/02/2025 17:50

Personally, I wouldn’t give up the chance to have children for any man. Romantic love is partly based on hormones and can come and go, sometimes without warning. But your child will always be your child.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2025 17:53

Did he always have his son 4/5 nights per week or did that increase once you were on the scene or living with him? How long is this wedding taking?

Lottapianos · 11/02/2025 17:59

I absolutely feel for you about your friend's pregnancy news - it is SO difficult feeling happy for them but heartbroken for yourself. Please don't put massive pressure on yourself to be a cheerleader all through the pregnancy. Can you talk to her and share some of what you're feeling?

To add a different perspective, I wouldn't give up a settled, loving, healthy relationship for the possibility of a baby. I went through many years of pining and feeling heartbroken and feeling that I wanted to be a mum - it was definitely something I had to grieve. For various reasons, I decided not to go for it and I feel so grateful for the time and space and freedom that DP and I have together. Only you know how badly you want to have a baby of your own. At 33, it's definitely decision time. Good luck, it's such a tough one

Hohofortherobbers · 11/02/2025 18:03

Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 16:10

I guess the thing is if I split up with my DP I may not meet anyone else and children may not happen - I love my DP and my DSS so much and would never leave them for something that may not happen. I accept that by being with him I may never have children but I may not if I leave and then I’m without the love of my life, which he is.

I guess it’s just how I personally come to terms with that!

You definitely won't meet someone and have a baby whilst you are in this relationship and it is likely the resentment will erode your happy life together.

If you're in tears about your future then you are making a mistake.

TheyCallMeMrsBug · 11/02/2025 18:15

OP I absolutely feel for you, it is so difficult to make decisions based on the unknown.

I think you could maybe use a counsellor to talk this through with and examine your own feelings. It is natural to be upset about your friends pregnancy when you fear you may never have that for yourself.

My main concern in your shoes would be that DP strings you along with maybes and you run out of time whilst waiting.

Iaminthefly · 11/02/2025 18:23

You are only 33. Please please please do not give up your dream of a child of your own for a man.

Relationships come and go. You could stay with this man, waste your fertile years and then break up once its too late for you

I am a lone parent as my husband walked out on me and our DC. It is hard but I would not change it. The love you have for a partner cannot hold a candle to the love for your child.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 11/02/2025 19:31

3LittleFishes · 11/02/2025 17:49

He sounds like a bog standard future faker.
As soon as you are too old to have children he will be hooked up with a younger woman who is pregnant within the year....it happens far too often.
Personally I would take the wedding off the table for now until you have had some serious conversations about a potential baby, not in the 'maybe one day' sense, tell him you want to be pregnant before you are 35 and study his reaction closely.
He is doing very well out of this relationship, he has a bonus mother for his existing child and no pressure to give her a child of her own, he's hit the jackpot hasn't he!
I think if you stay with him you will end up with a lot of regrets later in life.

Sadly l agree with this.
Anything could happen in your relationship op, and you could end up single and childless. You might think you are ok not having a baby but you will regret it eventually.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 19:39

The thing is, you’re willing to give up something that means so much to you - the chance to ever be a mother - for him.

But, if financially you’re stable and have room in your home etc etc, why is he not willing to compromise and give you what you want so badly?

You’re giving up a hell of a lot for someone who doesn’t seem to be taking account of your strong feelings on this subject….

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 19:40

Why doesn’t he want another baby? Is there a legitimate reason or just he doesn’t fancy the sleepless nights again or whatever. Because I think the strength of the reason is absolutely key here. Precisely what is he willing to deprive you of motherhood for?