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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really sad about pregnancy

45 replies

Woahtherehoney · 11/02/2025 15:58

Hi all, you are all probably going to think I’m a bit silly but I can’t get this off my mind.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years and he has a son from his previous marriage - I love him like my own. He’s just brilliant. When we got together my partner wanted more children but over the years he’s changed his mind and doesn’t. I’ve found it very very hard to accept as I wanted my own children but love the life I have with my DP and DSS (who we have 4/5 nights a week) more than my own want for children - one of us had to compromise and so it was me. I am very sad about it but my DP and DSS mean too much to me to let go - I can of course still feel sad about what I won’t have.

I was in tears telling my best friends about this a couple of weeks ago…and now my best friend has just announced she’s pregnant. I am SO happy for her and wish her nothing but the best but I cannot get over the sadness I feel that it isn’t me. I struggle a lot with peoples pregnancies and usually it’s ok but o think because this is so close to me I’m finding it hard.

How do I move on and put my relationship with my friend above my sadness? I don’t want to lose her, we’ve been friends for 16 years and she means the world to me but I am just finding this hard to navigate.

(I will add my DP knows how hard I am finding this and said the conversation isn’t totally off the table about kids but I don’t think he actually means that - I guess time will tell)

OP posts:

2025willbemytime · 11/02/2025 19:45

You could leave your DP and go it alone if you want a child.

A friend of mine didn't find out until after her wedding that her h didn't want kids. He regrets it now but far too late.

Your partner is future faking you and being very very selfish by dangling a carrot. Don't be daft enough to fall for it.

Mulledjuice · 11/02/2025 19:51

category12 · 11/02/2025 16:04

How old are you?

Personally I'd choose having children over a bloke.

Don't hang on for "isn't totally off the table" - that's just raising a false hope as a palliative.

This.

Regarding your friend - it isn't a zero sum game. Her baby isn't your baby in the "wrong" place. Her baby isn't the reason you don't have one. If you had a baby and she didn't you would still want to be friends.

I have felt jealousy for others having babies (after i had losses) and I guess others will have been jealous about mine in turn.
I found there were one or two people I slightly resented and they were people I already had a bit of resentment or jealousy towards (my problem not theirs)

Dror · 11/02/2025 19:53

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 19:40

Why doesn’t he want another baby? Is there a legitimate reason or just he doesn’t fancy the sleepless nights again or whatever. Because I think the strength of the reason is absolutely key here. Precisely what is he willing to deprive you of motherhood for?

Any reason at all is valid.

I am proudly childfree and think you'll deeply regret giving up the lifestyle you want just for a man, OP.

There's over 4 billion others. There are sperm banks.

Carve out your life and happiness. Don't throw your life away waiting for a man to decide.

Person1234 · 11/02/2025 19:55

You're still young enough to get out of this relationship and find someone who wants to have a child with you. Or you can give him an ultimatum.

If you really want a child, don't give up that chance for the sake of a relationship.

You have one life. Make the most of it.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 19:59

Dror · 11/02/2025 19:53

Any reason at all is valid.

I am proudly childfree and think you'll deeply regret giving up the lifestyle you want just for a man, OP.

There's over 4 billion others. There are sperm banks.

Carve out your life and happiness. Don't throw your life away waiting for a man to decide.

Show quote history

Od course any reason is valid, but in circumstances where he is in a relationship with someone who desperately wants children and he said he wanted them before and he is the one who changed his mind for some reason, I would think the less compelling the reason, the more pissed off I would be that his mind changed after I had committed fully to him on a different basis and understanding!

Just as it is open to OP to change her mind and be proudly childfree, it is equally open to her DP to change his mind and have another baby. Each would do so for love of the other and I would explore why him changing his mind is totally off the table but her changing hers is not before resentment blooms and infects the whole thing anyway!

Dror · 11/02/2025 20:04

@Lmnop22 meh, I think OPs time would be better spent on creating the life she wants, rather than analysing a man.
(Also, a woman who wants a kid is not childfree, it's childless, very different meanings)

Bibi12 · 11/02/2025 20:26

I think people are giving him really hard time. He's allowed to not want anymore children and any reason is valid. He absolutely should not be pressured into having a child when he doesn't want one.

You need to take control of your life it's up to you to stay or leave. However you need to know that relationships come and go. You're giving up a lot for something that might not be permanent, marriage or not (people get divorced all the time).
You could end up without a child and without your DP and step son. Or even watch him having more children with someone else while you won't be able to do the same (happened to my friend).

Dery · 11/02/2025 20:56

@Woahtherehoney - you’ve had very solid advice upthread. As always, I particularly second everything @category12 has said.

And totally what at @Bibi12 said:

“You need to take control of your life it's up to you to stay or leave. However you need to know that relationships come and go. You're giving up a lot for something that might not be permanent, marriage or not (people get divorced all the time).
You could end up without a child and without your DP and step son. Or even watch him having more children with someone else while you won't be able to do the same (happened to my friend).”

I knew I definitely wanted children and would not have foregone children for a man no matter how I loved him. Fortunately my then partner, now DH, felt the same.

I know of several women who sacrificed the opportunity to have children for a man only to have that man leave and have children with a younger woman. How would you feel about that?

It’s such a tough situation. A dear friend of mine was in the reverse situation. She already had two DCs of a reasonable age and didn’t want to start again with a third. Her partner was a good stepdad but longed for his own child. That relationship eventually came to an end. It’s a fundamental incompatibility.

Don’t let him dangle the possibility of children like a carrot and don’t run down your fertile years for him without very careful thought. At 33, you most likely still have time but as you age and your fertility window starts to close (eg late 30s), you may well find your desire for a child starts to feel desperate and your resentment at being childless while your partner isn’t really starts to fester.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/02/2025 23:14

You have been together since you were 26ish, how many years in the 7 years you have been together did he future fake for ?

Hollyhedge · 11/02/2025 23:19

He has a child and you don’t. It’s such a shame he can’t come round. I do worry about you not doing this because of him. What if you spilt up later, how would you feel. You have time to meet someone if this is really off the cards for him.

Alalalala · 11/02/2025 23:23

Oh OP, please don’t sacrifice your desire to be a mother like this. He could dump you in three years, meet someone younger and have two kids with her. You just don’t know. But you do know you want kids. Your partner hasn’t behaved brilliantly here - you’re throughly snared and entangled and attached and he changes the rules.

Creameded · 11/02/2025 23:28

OP, no man is worth giving up this dream.
You are very foolish to give this up.
He is a very very selfish man to be so determined.
How convenient for him.
He has a step mother for his child, no doubt sharing the load.
Making his life easier.

You will have lots of posters bleating on about his rights, but he has sucked you in and changed his mind.
How selfish.
How convenient.
You have wasted enough time being his au pair.

You will bitterly regret this.
You will likely never get over this.
Never ever give up your dream for a selfish man.

If he really loved you he wouldn't dream of stringing you along.
He cares about you sure.
But he cares about himself far more.
You will wake up to this eventually and you will be furious with yourself.
He never had the slightest intention of having children i bet.
But you would have walked away if he said that.

Stay if you wish and take the chance of you not bitterly regretting it, but don't kid yourself this is a good honest man, because he most certainly is not.

You deserve so much better.

Creameded · 11/02/2025 23:34

7 years he has strung you along.

He is absolutely disgusting.
I wouldn't trust such a low life to walk away from you in your mid 40's and divorce you.

Thats exactly what selfish men do.

In my long life I know of 4 great women who were duped. All bright professional women with everything going for them.

In all for cases the men wouldn't have children for a variety of cases.

In all 4 cases the relationships broke up and the men went on to have a child with a much younger woman.

Several of these women were warned, but wouldn't be told.
They have lived to bitterly regret it, now in their early 50's.

tellmesomethingtrue · 11/02/2025 23:40

If i had to choose, I'd always chose having my children over a man

Happyinarcon · 12/02/2025 04:57

I sometimes avoid commenting on these types of issues because I get a bit militant, but if he genuinely loved you he wouldn’t put you in this position. He would understand how powerful the biological urge to be a mother is, and be understanding and respectful of that. A good partner would move heaven and earth to make you happy, not make you deny an innate part of yourself to make them happy.

Rose889 · 12/02/2025 05:58

I'm not sure I believe him when he says that the baby isn't totally off the cards - more like he's trying to appease you at this tough time for you.

You are 33. Yes, you have a bit of age on your side but not loads of time to:

wait for him to change his mind
decide he's not going to change his mind
end the relationship
meet someone who is husband/father material
actually have some time together getting to know each other/make sure of the above before TTC

Please don't waste your time with him if this is what you really want. Your sorrow suggests to me that it is...

I have friends in their late thirties who have really struggled with TTC and for some years in a couple of cases. Of course many don't too! It's not too late! Have an urgent conversation with him.

Good luck.

ginandlemonade23 · 12/02/2025 08:38

When did he change his mind and why? I'd be seriously rethinking this relationship as if you want children you will grow to resent this decision he made and likely when it is all too late you for you.

At 33 you have plenty of time still to have your own child, don't let him take that from you

Christwosheds · 07/05/2025 23:16

JimHalpertsWife · 11/02/2025 16:53

Your current situation is a solid No Baby situation. Maybe your friends pregnancy has solidified that actually, you don't want to sign up for No Baby. Which is what you've done.

Leaving = Maybe Baby.

So you truly need to consider whether, today, No Baby is the route you still want to take.

I know for a lot of women they'd rather take the Maybe option. It's no uncommon for the man to leave once your fertile years are behind you and immediatley get someone else pregnant.

I agree with this. I also think it’s really cruel for a man to say he wants a baby, then say no, when he has a child but you don’t.
It is an enormous sacrifice to make, not just for now but for the rest of your life.

SpryCat · 08/05/2025 07:16

You resent compromising your desire for a child of your own with partner and it’s is spilling out into your relationship with your best friend. You might find once menopause hits, your resentment grows into anger towards him.
I think he knew he didn’t want another child when he met you but wanted to appear to be your ideal man, he’s even saying it’s not completely off the table to keep you sweet. He loves his life as it is, only you can decide if that’s enough for you.
Don’t shy away from your best friend nor drift away from her, you can’t bury your head in the sand, she’s still a great friend and being there for her, sharing her joy is the perfect time for you to examine whether your compromise in order to stay in a relationship with your partner is something you will live to regret.

Dozer · 08/05/2025 07:26

Don’t prioritise a man over the opportunity to have DC when you want DC. It’s not a ‘compromise’, it’s a massive sacrifice.

The most likely scenario for the future us becoming single with no bio DC or time with your ex’s DC, whilst your ex still has the option to have more DC.

Red flag that your DP ‘changed his mind’ when you’d fallen in love.

If for any reason your relationship ends (more than half do) you might well not see your DP’s DC again.

To give yourself the best chance to have DC you don’t have yet more time to spare with your DP.

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