Sadness over early sexual history

[Anonanon10001]

I was talking to my partner at the weekend about how many people I have slept with. I actually don't remember but, as I told him, I know it was 12 by the time I was aged 20 because that is what I told my boyfriend of the time, when we first got together.

I have never been ashamed of my sexual history. When I mention it or think about it, it is with a general feeling of having had a good time. I've had lots of good sex with nice people and three generally happy long term relationships. I am 50.

Today I suddenly thought - who were those first 12?

What I have recalled has shocked me. It's an ugly list, starting with "sex" with a 20 year old man when I was only 14. Unlovely sexual experiences with teens who told the whole school. Being badly bullied for being a "slag" but carrying on, without pleasure or joy. An abusive year long relationship aged 16 with a 19 year old who crushed my confidence, isolated me from my friends and was violent on one occasion. An "affair" aged 18 with my 38 year old head of sixth form.

Thankfully something switched at that point. My inner resilience and confidence, utterly lost to my teen years but reclaimed as a young adult, kicked back in. The pattern did not continue.

I consider myself self aware and am dumbfounded by what my mind has buried for decades. Perhaps it is because my son is nearly a teen and I have been thinking of myself at his age.

I feel sad for what I did to myself then (or for what others did to me and how I just accepted it as my due). I am sad about how little I liked or valued myself.

Just wanted to share as I think it is too heavy a topic to raise with my partner. I have never told a soul about most of it. My parents had no clue. I imagine my experiences were not uncommon for teen girls and certainly many fared much worse than me.

You were taken advantage of by older men - groomed. We didn’t have this vocab or knowledge back then. Have you considered therapy to talk through your feelings?

Similar history here. A lot of partners 15 to 17. It wasn’t a happy time. I realised my dad was my first domestically abusive relationship and I went right out from that to find my own bastard to tame. I think we’re protected from the reality of what is happening and why. In my case and this may be completed outside your experience but for me my dad was very very psychologically abusive in private. I think I wanted to find an openly abusive man. I think I wanted bruises on the outside. Mad isn’t it.

I guess I’m just rambling but yeah, I reckon it’s a well trod path we’ve been on.

And yeah I thought for decades that my first boyfriend was a catch. I was 13. He was an adult. Predators can see childhood emotional neglect in children and adults.

Thank you for your responses. I did not have childhood emotional neglect. What I did have was a move into the UK from a very different culture aged nearly 13, I was bullied and desperate to fit in and felt ugly and a lot of self hatred.

Yes I also felt that the 20 year old was a catch when I was 14, and the abusive 19 year old, and my teacher who was more than double my age.

I am lucky in that my early childhood probably helped me bounce back and recover in later years. I feel so sad about how vulnerable young teens are and how common predatory men are. It's an ugly world when you scratch the surface.

Yes I can identify. Made some shocking decisions when young. Thought it was all such fun. Makes me feel ashamed and grubby now

I have a similar history. I remember being obsessed with sex at that age and there were so few permitted outlets. I was never allowed boyfriends and had very strict parents including a very controlling and abusive father. So I was very secretive, which I think led to a lot of vulnerability and inappropriate relationships.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yes, it is sadly common. My best friend from school (we are 36) MARRIED our music teacher and they were together until he died last year. I have always struggled with this because she still can't countenance, obviously, how appalling it was of him to come onto her when she was 18 and his student, but there we are. I'm glad you've realised. I agree with pp that therapy might be a good idea.

Sounds like you were unfortunate to meet some very predatory men. You could try counselling but personally I would just say it's in the past, you were naive and taken advantage of, but hopefully it's made you stronger today. You did nothing wrong, you were just exploring your sexuality.

Another woman here who relates to this early experience.

Can I ask if you've ever considered whether you could be autistic? I had a therapist suggest it as a reason that I was hyper sexual at such a young age and failed to identify the social implications of my behaviour.

I still haven't had a confirmed diagnosis but I can see it being a distinct possibility.

This could happen to anyone, boys that age can be shocking, and as for the older men! There was not the awareness of grooming then, that there is now. Friends of mine were incredibly proud of their older boyfriends who had cars. All grew out of it. I had a serious BF my own age from 16 to mid 20s, and I regret it now as it prevented me from forming close friendships as all my time went on him! If you think you've been harmed by it would therapy help? Your male partner might see it differently, as more of a free choice than a grooming situation, if you pursued the relationships, which probably won't be helpful for you or reflect how it was.
(If anyone comments on your thread to shame you, ignore, obviously)

Stonecoldalibi - no - not autistic. Just desperate to fit in and I didn't understand the cultural rules (not from UK, came here aged nearly 13). I wouldn't say I was hyper sexual either. I didn't actually enjoy any of the sex until I met a really nice lad aged 18.

I do appreciate everyone sharing their experiences.

I have a terrible history, CA, rape as a teenager on holiday to name a few. I never told anyone IRL and never will. Happened until i was 20 and then i met my now husband and everything changed.

I dont dwell on it, we all have our ways of coping. But i wont allow it to make me feel sad, grubby, dirty etc, it wasnt my fault.

Same ☹️

Same. The more I interrogate the memories, the grosser they become. I've learnt not to pick the scab. But I hope the men out there have since realised how completely fucked up they were.

Similar story here OP. I slept with quite a lot of men, around 30 in total.
A lot of those were older men when I was in my 20s. I think some I look back on with great fondness and had some amazing sex which I don’t regret.
Others I cringe a bit, I was quite a people pleaser and slept with many because I didn’t like to say no or didn’t want them to dislike me. It was all consensual but there were a few who I wouldn’t hesitate in saying no to now.

I had a lot of fun on the whole though so I don’t think about it too much. All my life experiences have made me the person I am today. I quite like that person and am happy in my own skin.

I do worry about my daughter growing up though x

OP you are around the same age as me. When I was at secondary many of the girls in my year were in sexual relationships with men late teens and in their 20's. One of the men was married and she was so proud of herself. The peer pressure was epic as well, to fit in you had to sleep with random blokes. It was almost a badge of honour back then. Mid, late 80's it was seen as normal. I then went to uni and one of my friends married one of our lecturers...

I had a similar story to you, and have very much lived by the motto "It's just sex", but I don't think that's what the OP has experienced. I would definitely consider some counselling, OP, if you think you'd get something from it (and even if not!)

Feel really sad that there are women feeling ashamed and like they did something wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. You may have been vulnerable but you’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

I can relate to all of this. I was a very young minded and naive teen until I was SA by a much older man at 14. I tried to tell my mum, she persuaded me to "admit" I was lying (after which I then got in trouble for "trying to ruin a man's life"), and I never spoke to her - or any adult - again about anything relating to men or sex. From then on, my entire attitude to sex and men changed, my innocence was destroyed. Similar to yourself, I became quite promiscuous, at the time naive to the risks I was facing and failing to recognise that on some occasions I was groomed. It stopped at 18 when I formed a meaningful relationship for a year (and finally learned what good, loving sex ought to be like), but I did have a brief blip of promiscuity when that relationship ended.

I don't feel bad, guilty or dirty for how I behaved in my teenage years, but I feel sad for younger me that nobody protected me (particularly my mum), and angry about those men who took advantage. I'm aware of my past but I don't really think about it anymore. I do regret my behaviour in my early 20s a little more, not because I think there's anything wrong with casual sex (and it was by then 100% consensual), but more so because I know I did hurt some nice men along the way. But I think my behaviour then was probably still a product of my teenage years.

What you experienced was sexual abuse and grooming as a child from older men who manipulated you. It’s not surprising you’re feeling this way. You were a victim and taken advantage of. I hope you find peace and contentment and are able to have therapy to move past it.

I doubt it. Sadly.

I have similar early experiences. I'm autistic and I think that contributed to me not spotting how I was being treated.

What fucks me off is when I had autistic burnout the first time and had a sort of breakdown the Psyc asked all about my sexual history when it was work pressure that caused the breakdown. instead of identifying I had been taken advantage of, raped and abused he records I am promiscuous and diagnosed personality disorder. Now I'm much older and wiser and know I'm autistic not personality disorder I'm sickened that that's the male take on my early abuse experiences- promiscuous. I spent YEARS thinking I was the problem. Ended up in a violently abusive marriage believing I was mental and a burden. Only after he turned on our baby did reality hit me like a ton of bricks he was a horrible man and I was the safe parent and had to leave.

Doing the freedom program I realise every single one of my relationships or experiences prior to the freedom program were abusive in some way. And that the Psyc who recorded teen abuse and rape as promiscuity was just as bad as the men who fid it to me.

My kids are still too young to be having sex conversations yet. But im not just going to teach consent I will be teaching enthusiastic consent. A phrase I learnt on here and hunk is much better. Consent under pressure is not consent. Consent to avoid a sulk is a red flag. And that if you want to have multiple sexual partners fine but do you really want to or are you being pressured is important to consider.

Im not sure where I stand on sexual liberation, I do think men benifit most from contraception and sex before marriage but there is definitely benefit for women. I guess if you had no experience you would not know a partner is shit but imagine waiting till marriage for a man who is lazy and selfish in bed and can't meet your needs. Similar to this is having children out of marriage. Society, I felt, told me women have equality and that marriage is just a piece of paper now and a big party. Leaving an abusive cocklodger who cost me thousands fighting over a house he never paid a penny for left me anti marriage. But my younests dad wasn't abusive or pressured me or any of that, he was just a lazy selfish bastard who checked out of our relationship when my older son was diagnosed with a disability that took significant time and attention from me away from partner. I got left holding the baby. Financially fucked. Again. Now Im old enough to be thinking pension and my old age I understand how important marriage actually is if you are going to have a child with a man and with a non abusive man it's never going to be a bad thing.

It worries me how many young women post on here about relationships they are clearly being used and taken advantage of. Or not married and in a financially risky position. I see myself in these posts and feel so sorry for the toll such a harsh lesson has on women like me.

Anyway long way of saying I empathise with this post.

NC for this.
Thank you for your post.

I am similar age to you and having teens has also made me re-think early relationships. Terrible men, terrible choices. First one 34 year old when I was 17, then awful men who cheated and totally didn't respect me, then sleeping with men almost just because I couldn't be bothered to keep resisting against the pressure. Also had some happy relationships and good sex. I'm not traumatised I don't think but my big (huge !) question is ....

How do we help our kids to develop the self esteem to value themselves enough to not get into these situations?

I didn't experience this personally but a lot of what you describe was, sadly, totally normalised for teen girls in the 90s. At my school there were a few girls with boyfriends in their 20s (possibly older) and one who slept with a teacher. They were envied as the 'cool' girls and no one even questioned it. Sorry you are feeling sad now, OP. It isn't your fault and I hope you can make peace with it.

I have it from other side, male in care & abused but did things to get things, 1st mixed sex was at 13 with my mum's best friend then at 14 had a thing with a 28yo who could buy drink & smokes, she got pregnant & that ended things, my daughter is now 50 & i last saw her when she was 5yo, have never told my wife of 40yrs most of this, although she knows I have back issues, just started talking to therapist this week.