Sadness over early sexual history

[Anonanon10001]

I was talking to my partner at the weekend about how many people I have slept with. I actually don't remember but, as I told him, I know it was 12 by the time I was aged 20 because that is what I told my boyfriend of the time, when we first got together.

I have never been ashamed of my sexual history. When I mention it or think about it, it is with a general feeling of having had a good time. I've had lots of good sex with nice people and three generally happy long term relationships. I am 50.

Today I suddenly thought - who were those first 12?

What I have recalled has shocked me. It's an ugly list, starting with "sex" with a 20 year old man when I was only 14. Unlovely sexual experiences with teens who told the whole school. Being badly bullied for being a "slag" but carrying on, without pleasure or joy. An abusive year long relationship aged 16 with a 19 year old who crushed my confidence, isolated me from my friends and was violent on one occasion. An "affair" aged 18 with my 38 year old head of sixth form.

Thankfully something switched at that point. My inner resilience and confidence, utterly lost to my teen years but reclaimed as a young adult, kicked back in. The pattern did not continue.

I consider myself self aware and am dumbfounded by what my mind has buried for decades. Perhaps it is because my son is nearly a teen and I have been thinking of myself at his age.

I feel sad for what I did to myself then (or for what others did to me and how I just accepted it as my due). I am sad about how little I liked or valued myself.

Just wanted to share as I think it is too heavy a topic to raise with my partner. I have never told a soul about most of it. My parents had no clue. I imagine my experiences were not uncommon for teen girls and certainly many fared much worse than me.

Same

Awful history- CSA

Then at 15 - manipulated into a " can I just look / can I just touch it with my / won't put it in I promise / " to full intercourse I didn't want and begged to stop

Now I know that's rape

Hate it , ruined my life

I was a teenager in the 90's and had 12 partners before I met my husband at 19. I had a relationship with a man of 26 when I was 14 and another relationship with a man of 24 - 25 when I was 15 - 16, both these men would come to my parents for Sunday lunch. I even went on a few dates with a man of 35 when I was 15 and was openly pursued by another man in his mid 30's from my Saturday job when I was 16-17. I look back on this period with absolute horror to be honest. For some reason though I manged to keep what I was up to under wraps and while people at school knew I had older boyfriends with cars or motorbikes they thought it was cool and boys who were at school with me thought I was "unobtainable" which was probably true. As I recall most of the "pretty girls" when I was at high school dated older boys and men.

I didn't love any of these men and I don't think they loved me but at the time I was infatuated with them, I wanted to be loved and desired and was just doing what I thought I should do to get that love and acceptance.

When I went to university I didn't date anyone for a year then started dating a bit and was quite ruthless and didn't sleep with any of them until I met my now husband. I also completely dropped out of my old social group and never reconnected so my past got wiped away and I saw no reason to be telling everyone so most people consider me a good girl, I was my DHs first and only girlfriend but if people knew they would no doubt call me a slut as well.

I hope now its different for girls I really do, I still get flash backs to some of the things that happened to me to be honest and I feel very lucky that I didn't end up pregnant, or with an std or worse.

Awful, horrible what happened to your friend but I too remember at School several instances of teachers having affairs with pupils and at least one teacher in his 50's left his wife for a 6th form pupil. It didn't last but I am sure it did lasting damage.

Yes, a lot of peer pressure to not be a virgin in my school too - and this was younger than sixteen! I lost my virginity at just turned fifteen. It was consensual and a long relationship (seven years in the end) but I would hate it for my DD. I really hope we can bring her up to rise above this pressure if there is any. I do think the world is different for youngsters nowadays. Eg it's cool to not drink now.

OP, I made so many questionable decisions growing up. I remind myself my brain was still very much developing. I hope you can heal from this.

That's the big question!

I will be teaching enthusiastic consent. And my kids will know they can always come home to me no matter what.

I'm also a good example of what happens financially if you let men use you. They can walk away from the children consequences of sex but mothers generally cannot.

I also counter every single thing we see in tv or read in books. Questions that have my kids thinking for themselves. What if sleeping beauty didn't want him to kiss her? Is that fair the mum doing xyz when the dad is doing abc?

When old enough I will start with questions like; is a car/house/good job worth being treated like that when she could get those things for herself if she wasn't putting all her energy into that relationship? If he needs sex so badly when he doesn't know her well will they still be together when they know all the bad stuff too?

Unfortunately I don't have to look for these conversation starters they are all around us all the time. Insidiously telling our girls their value is in their use to men and telling our boys they are entitled to use a woman as a support human and sex toy

@Looloolullabelle Yes I certainly remember going a long with sex acts not because I wanted to but because I was afraid that if I didn't consent I'd be forced to do them anyway. I see now looking back that this was abuse and possibly in some cases rape.

I can empathise with many of your stories and I am sorry to read of what a lot of you have experienced, including the male poster.

I don't feel traumatised but I do feel shocked at how little I have applied my knowledge of the world and my feminism and wisdom to what happened to myself. Until age 50.

I really empathise with PP who said that underage sex was a badge of honour in the late 80s. I was desperate to rid myself of virginity and the fear of being seen as "frigid".

I don't know if things are better for young people now. My impression is that they are not. There is more knowledge around abuse of power in age differences I suppose. I remember sitting on the lap of the 20 year old in a bar, surrounded by his 20 year old friends and my young 13-14 year old female friends in full view of many adults, in our local bowling alley. None of them said anything. Maybe they couldn't get away with that now. I looked very young for my age too.

The teacher who slept with me had slept with a previous pupil and later slept with several others. He left the school in the end. There were a number of teachers doing the same. Another teacher spotted us out in a bar once. Nothing was said. Maybe this wouldn't happen now.

I do hope things are better.

I do think things are better, though there is the performative aspect now to sex because of the availability of p*rn, which I don’t think we had. I also didn’t think about my own pleasure til probably my mid 20s, and I hope younger girls now are more aware and willing to look for fulfilment. And we didn’t even know what consent meant, hopefully that has changed.

OP, I do think what you experienced was so normal at the time. My own is similar. I was at boarding school, struggled (adult diagnosis of ADHD has explained a lot), and was groomed by an older man. Affairs with teachers was the norm.

We were also socialised to understand that sex was currency and were so used to being objectified. I think the first time I was flashed at was age 8… and I recall getting free diet cokes off the delivery man at school each week in exchange for him feeling me up. I was 14.

I have no regrets now, but have had counselling and practice self acceptance.

I just woke up from dreaming about digging up bodies in the sand and pulling them out. I woke up crying. How Freudian! It's obviously about thinking about things I had deeply buried.

i will re read all your post, lots to consider.

I too generally remembered my past and childhood as a loving one, but that everyone told me I was a bit 'wild'. Just a normal middle class upbringing I told myself.

It struck me full in the face around dd1's
12 th birthday. I felt almost physical pain suddenly realising.

I was taken out and given double vodkas from her age.

The first time I nearly died from alcohol poisoning was at the age of 13, when dirty old relatives plied me with whiskey and wine all night. My mother didn't take me to the hospital, she proudly tells everyone to this day how she sat me up all night forcing me to drink multiple litres of water.

My older sister and mother arranged for me to date a 21 year old man when I was 15 years old. He used to pick me up in my private school uniform.

The reason they did this? I had recently been sexually assaulted at one of these drunken parties. I can't remember it, only feeling dirty. But I was told that my skirt was covered in...stuff, when they found me.

It started a string of abusive and horrible relationships until I met DH at 25. I was stalked twice by obsessed ex's who didn't want to let their younger prize walk away.

She was just a child. She was not equipped to deal with the situations I was shoved in to. I spent years blaming myself for being the bad one, but I was far from the only one to blame.

She almost seems relieved I've always told them no relationships until university. To concentrate on their future, friends, hobbies and school.

She told mto that she was glad at 15, after seeing what her friend was going through (police had to be called), and how it was affecting her life and study.

Until they are old enough to process everything that is involved in a relationship, I will do a better job and protect them. They need to understand and be able to confidently deal with coercive control, abuse, red flags, heartbreak and everything negative that goes along with it too.

I'm 40 and although Ive only had 2 sexual partners, I was messed up for a long time by losing my virginity when I was black-out drunk in a park, aged 15. I can't remember anything about it, although apparently was shouting "No get off me Matt" - the boys name wasn't Matt (I was so drunk i didnt know who it was), and this caused the actual boy to call me a slapper who doesn't even know who she's having sex with, rather than focusing on the bit where I was shouting to get off me.

I think a lot of what youve said, unfortunately, is just a reflection of how it was in 'those days'.

I would go on nights out with friends, aged 15, and they would be giving blow jobs in the toilets to literally anyone who wanted one. They'd go back to mens' houses for a one night stand.

One friend, aged 13, would be collected from school by her 23-year old 'boyfriend' who would tell her 'make sure you're not wearing any underwear'.

Another friend, age 16, was having sex with the married bar manager at her weekend pub job. We all just thought 'Obviously she is, that's what happens if you work in a pub' 🤷🏼‍♀️

Another friend got fingered by her driving instructor in the car he was teaching her in.

Looking back, it was all so inappropriate - and a lot was sexual abuse of a minor - and I'm so pleased it's not the norm for young girls now.

What saved me was my shyness plus I thought anyone in their 30s would be an utter old bore talking about mortgages all the time! Sorry if that sounds flippant but I remember when I went to hospital (had paraffin wax on my hand after a skin graft). A bloke tried to ask me out for a drink and those thoughts were going through my head. He even said he sees a lot of school girls and takes them out for drinks from my school! Ew!!!

This. 100 per cent. I’m a different person now but it all shapes who you are I guess and without it we’d be unable to give advice to our kids x