Dad doesn’t like my bf

[LadyInPink67]

26 here. Been with my bf for 5 years now. Good (peaceful) relationship.

I come from a high achieving family. Dad worked on Wall Street, high pay. My sisters and brothers are all lawyers and engineers. Not going to disclose my job here but I’m also a young professional working in healthcare. Decent pay in my age group. Own about half of my home (mortgage). Everyone in my family is on medium to high income.

My bf and his family- not as high achieving and low to middle income. I love being high achieving, I have very ambitions goals and sometimes I do find talking to them (his family) a bit awkward. However I love my bf to bits and I don’t care about it. I like that he isn’t as high achieving as me bc he’s very supportive and chill! Yin and Yang kind of thing and opposites attract.

however, it’s been ongoing that my dad is not a big fan of him. My dad is very strict and is now no longer tolerant to my relationship. He said to me I’m “f’ing dumb” and a “loser”. He wants me to break up with him.

He wants me to have a partner with similar background or career.

I don’t need anyone to be mean on here because I have already gotten so much grief from weekly moaning/ lecturing me from my dad.

how do I navigate this? I feel like I have to pick and I don’t wanna. If one day I have to pick, I will pick my bf, but in an ideal world, I don’t wanna pick.

be kind, I have been depressed about this in the past but now gotten past it and in a good place but I feel like it is going into a direction that requires a lot of mental energy and stress…

Why do you need to be 'more ambitious' ? You have a job you like, a nice boyfriend, you don't seem the sort to not go after what you want...

Ambition is good so long as it serves us. Be as ambitious or unambitious as you like. Change if you want. Pick your own path.

So long as you can pay your way in life and are happy.

Your dad cares about money and status. Those things are not the same as happiness, healthiness and stability.

It's sad some people grow up like scrooge and seem to think status is all that matters.

Why do you need to choose?

You’re the adult. Turn it around and say to your Dad he either accepts your bf or loses out on you and your future. Make him
choose.

Good luck .

What does your mum think of her H's behaviour towards you; does she know that her H has called you his daughter both a loser and f'ing dumb?. I would argue it is he who is this really so I'd be telling him straight out to back off.

He also runs a high risk of you becoming estranged from him if he keeps on like he does about your df; he will merely drive you away. You are an adult with agency and you do not need his approval. Glad to read too you did not take any of his money because he would have used that to further make you feel obligated to him.

I can't imagine why an adult would give a shit what their dad thought. You're 26, not 16!

Your father's terminology ("fucking dumb and a loser") doesn't seem to fit the profile you've described. It sounds more like something from an American action film. However, forgetting material disadvantages, do bear in mind that partnering with someone who isn't on your own educational/intellectual level can lead to cracks appearing as you get older in many ways. His parents and family, especially if you have children will be a big part of your life and their attitudes and outlook on life may also start to grate. I suspect I'll get flamed for this, but I've seen it happen.

Your father sounds like a right tosser, rich and ambitious, but a tosser.

The high achieving bit might come back to bite you because your boyfriend will be content working at a normal working class job and after a while your drive and ambition will make you feel that he is lazy which he is not just he does not have the drive towards ambition.

I don't agree with this.

DH and I met when we were 16 & 18. I've always been ambitious and career driven whereas DH chose a manual skilled working class job in construction.

25 years later he still does that job (not same employer) whereas I've climbed the career ladder and I earn over 3x what he does.

I absolutely DO NOT see him as lazy! He is hard working and happy and supports me in every way I need him to.

Not everyone needs to be ambitious, they just need to be able and willing to pull their weight.

High earner, highly educated and highly ambitious - absolutely nothing wrong in any of those things. Equally the fact your boyfriend is more of a mid-earner, not so ambitious and probably not as educated, nothing wrong in that either. However, you do need to think long-term too. If you were to have children, how would you feel having to go back to work earlier as you earn more? Or having no choice but to pay more for childcare, because your boyfriend isn't able to? Would your boyfriend be willing to have a career break, to look after the baby, rather than you because you earn more? Or what happens if you decide you wanted a career break, there wouldn't be as much money coming into the family? Would you start to feel resentful if your boyfriend is happy in his mid-paying job, and wasn't bothered about earning more? Usually the gap in pay/ambition etc starts to show once children arrive, if it's going to. However, this is YOUR life not your Dad's. He has no right to try and control who you date. I doubt very much he'd be telling your brother's they were 'fucking dumb' or a 'loser' for having a girlfriend who earns less!! So he's sexist as well as being bloody horrible for calling you names.

He's given you advice, and by not taking it, you're being called rude names.
Wow. Unless you tell him to back off, every life choice you make that he doesn't approve of, will be questioned and belittled.

If a partner called you fucking dumb and a loser what would you feel?
Would you accept this?
Would you consider it abusive language?

You know it doesn't suddenly become ok because it's your dad saying it.

OP, your farher sounds like a narcissist.

However, as I come from a low income/low achieving family, but have managed to have a high earning/high achieving job I will tell you this: better break up. You are not compatible. People like me and him have been through very difficult times which I am afraid someone like you will never understand.
Personally I could never get involved with someone with your background. You would never understand how hard it has been for me and I couldn’t tolerate being looked down by someone who didn’t have to struggle in their lives just because they were lucky enough to be born into money. You already look down on him and his family. I really don’t think you are compatible long term and you are probably just looking for the opposite of your dad. Perhaps because subconsciously you want to piss him off. Perhaps because you really don’t want a husband like him.

Omg I love this! This is what my bf is like.

even though I earn 3x what he earns now, he gave me some money when I put all of it on the house deposit and only had a chair and slept on on the floor when I moved in my house.

He’s content with what he has and supports me with my goals.

but I do get those who post on here saying later on might have issues with money or kids.

Your dad sounds like a bully. Why are letting him tell you how to live your life? Your bf sounds like a good one though. I can see why you are drawn to your bf if you've grown up with a dictatorial father.
Does your father regularly call people names when they don't do what he says?

Also, if your bf stays true to his current form, you will have a supportive partner to navipgate raising children with.

This!

DH and I have always done everything equal - it sounds like your partner would be the same and not a freeloader at all.

We split most household bills equally and we use my higher earnings for "fun" things (and DSs very expensive hobby 🤣)

Yes. He is the same with my brothers and sisters.

he’s the same with his own siblings (ie my aunties and uncles)

call them losers and brain dead …

My dad is very strict
this is easily resolved since you’re 26 and not 6…
his opinion quite literally does not matter.

He’s called you names and been cruel to you and someone you love. Will you stand up for yourself or bf? Or what about if you have children that your dad thinks are losers? At what point will you draw the line on him disrespecting you?

I think the least confrontational thing you can do is calmly and politely explain the qualities you see in your bf, and say they are more important to you and whilst you have heard and understand your dads concerns, you’d appreciate it if your dad stopped sharing his opinion now. I suspect it won’t go well but at least youll have tried

Do you really want that in your life? It sounds awful. What do your siblings think of it? I assume he controls all of you. Well, tries to.

I looked up at general divorce rate: It's around 40%.

One big contributing factor which is increases the likelihood of divorce is economic differences between spouses. www.thedivorcesurgery.co.uk/divorce-statistics-and-trends-in-the-uk-a-comprehensive-analysis/

It may not be true in your case.

All the money/success in the world can't buy kindness or class. Your dad is evidently proof of that. What an awful thing to say - at your age his main concern should be whether bf treats you well and is kind to you - and that you like each other.

At the same time, i did end a relationship in my mid 20s as he was not ambitious at all. I am not overly ambitious or the type to "climb the ladder" but I've done reasonably well in my job and I like to feel challenged. For me it was less about the work element and more the fact that he just didn't have much "get up and go" outside of work either, it was always up to me to plan things - holidays etc of just anything really. I found it a bit draining, like I was carrying someone - lovely as he was. If this doesn't bother you, or if he does have motivation in your lives together and you challenge each other a bit, then who cares about a job title. As long as you're honest with yourself about what makes you happy

Is DP hard working?
Does he pay his fair share?
Does he support your career and ambitions?
Is he debt-free?
Is he financially independent (as in makes his own money, pays his own bills without help from anyone else)?
Is he up for talking now, about the realities of how differing incomes might affect your relationship in future?

If the answer to those questions is yes then ignore your awful, judgemental father (I mean, ignore your awful, judgemental father anyway, he sounds like a prat, but ignore him THEN consider what to do about your economically incompatible boyfriend).

The only slight alarm bell for me is that he did so much of the labour on your property, and helped you out financially around the time of putting down your deposit - sounds good on paper but is he likely to claim an interest in your property in the event of a split?

Real love doesn't express itself as verbal abuse or control @LadyInPink67 but your Dad feels free to do just that, he expects everyone to put money and status first. Your BF sounds lovely, kind and thoughtful and I'd take that over status any day.
You don't have to cut your Dad off but you also don't have to do as he says, you're a well educated grown woman and he diesn't get to run your life

So your dad thinks your BF is not good enough, but if I'm the BF family I would think you're a user that exploited a man that loves you to save you money and now you got what you wanted are considering dumping him. How does that sound OP? That someone so high achieving, ambitious and successful used someone with less income than them to support them financially? Doesn't sound good to be judged by what's in your wallet does it.

Your story is very similar to mine. Fast forward 40 yes and it's my husband who's become the high achiever...noone saw that one coming. My parents were a bit judgy about him too. I didnt give a flying fuck about their opinions tbh

They grew to love him actually

I am 50 and experience the same thing! Partner of three years my parents look down on. He is a good kind reliable man with a good job and own house and a hard worker, a lovely family - but not good enough for me as he is working class and not conventionally attractive.

It has happened all my life. Parents who love me but have impossible standards. I do feel sad that they can't be happy for me like "normal" parents but I ignore, grey rock and carry on. I wish they were warm and accepting of my partner like his family are of me but I can't change it.

You have to blaze your own trail. He sounds like a catch to me.