In denial about not loving him despite choosing him as The One

[JustaMumofTwo]

I went to hell and back with my previous relationship. I have a child from that marriage and we now live with the painful legacy of what happened and share the custody of our beautiful daughter who is everything to us.

After some long years as a single mum and having my heart broken by a new boyfriend who was wrong for me, I suddenly surprised myself (and my family) by meeting this wonderful man who taught me to love and trust again. We now have a lovely new baby and his older half-sister adores him. Both my children make me so proud and my partner treats my daughter as his own. Even now I still have to pinch myself because I can't quite believe my luck, that I've been given another chance in life. I love the new family that I've built.

And yet for months I've felt something missing. It then dawned on me that for some unknown reason, I am not sure if I love my other half. But why? This just isn't making sense as when we got together things felt so right. Now that I think of him as The One, I find it daunting, question our love and push this thought away. I feel ungrateful that my feelings for him are dormant after everything he has given me. I have recently found myself getting irritated by his flaws, whereas only recently they didn't bother me. How can I accept them and grow to love him like I thought I have? How can a union without love last a lifetime, if indeed love has somehow faded away?

It’s all very dramatic
Just pause and stop imagining life as some kind of Romantic drama and focus on all the good

how old is your baby?

How quickly did you have a baby with the latest partner? Things often feel great at the beginning of any relationship , however ill-matched.

For future reference, ‘The One’ is a silly concept. We could all have happy relationships with a whole number of people. The only question here is whether you want to stay in the relationship.

What does The One mean to you? It's difficult to know what's going on in someone's life from a few paragraphs but it seems like you have this special idea of The One and reality isn't fitting with your picture.
You've romanticised your past with him - surprised myself, wonderful man, taught me to love, another chance in life. You're struggling to fit being annoyed at his flaws into this perfect picture. Having to be perfectly in love with someone forever does sound daunting!
I'm not sure your romantic ideas are helping you. Do you like, fancy, respect your partner? What are his flaws in non-romantic language? You don't need to post specifics here but you do need to identify them properly for yourself.

I think you need to stop getting your ideas on relationships in romantic movies and books, and put your feet back on the ground.
You don't "choose someone as the One". First of all, I'd seriously question the existence of "the one".
A relationship is driven by hard work, good communication, partnership, equality, willingness to grow and learn for each other.
Love, especially being "in love", will come and go. Commitment to each other doesn't have to. Learn to appreciate your partner for who he is, rather than expecting someone to make you feel like Snow White and Prince Charming.

There is no such thing as "The One".

How well did you know each other before having a baby? Relationships always change after having a baby, is he pulling his weight?

Probably just because it's unfamiliar.

It's healthy love, it's not codependent, it's not high & lows. It's steady reliable love.

Have you actually allowed yourself to love him fully, to trust again etc.

I thought I was the only person that thought this! Couldn't agree more!

I think you overthinking the whole concept of 'love'. It seems to me you are incredibly lucky and have an amazing husband that you have built a wonderful life with and have a lovey family together yet somehow this doesn't seen enough for you? The feeling 'love' changes as you get more time under your belt, you become parents and your relationship changes. That heady rush of 'being in love' and being totally into each other fades but if you are lucky what you are left with is a better kind of love. A deeper connection, respect, trust, and a best friend that you get to raise your kids with. Someone who has your back and is always on your side. A team mate for life.

That doesn't mean to say you won't argue at times, have differing opinions, get on each others nerves and have things about each other that grind your gears. Because life and love are not Mills and Boon romance novels or a romcom. Perfection, person or relationship wise, does not exist.

Maybe you are just not used to a healthy relationship that doesn't involve heaps of drama so now you are picking holes in it?

I agree. I think romantic films have a lot to answer for. There is no one person there are though people you feel safe and secure with. That doesn't mean they won't irritate the hell out of you sometimes, that is a normal relationship. I have been married a very long time and sometimes my husband drives me crazy and I know he feels the same about me sometimes , but we have built a life together .
I also think that heady rush and desire to be with that person all the time doesn't last it turns into something more comfortable and thank goodness it does.

Me too. There’s no such thing as ‘the one’ or soulmates imo.

You meet someone, you get a connection and you work at your relationship.

There are many many people we could have a partnership with out there, its just who we meet and timing.

I have been with DP for 2 years. We have known each other for 30 years, so i know alot about him already (as in he is not a gambler, doesnt cheat, respectful etc)

Some of his habits and quirks now really get on my tits but before they didnt.

I dont put this down to not being in love with him but everyone has annoying habits and his now annoy me, but that because we are comfortable with each other and i accept him for who he is.

I dont believe in "The One", more a Mr Right Time and Right Person, 20 years ago i am sure we would have been a disaster together.

I am sure my habits piss DP off but i know i love him to the moon and back and i could never imagine being without him.

Exactly. It's crazy to think that of all the millions of people there are in the world, that only One of them is for you.

This too.

Your language is strange. Reads like breathless, bad romantic fiction. Dramatic and always something needs to be in flux. Do you as a baseline seriously like, respect and find this man attractive (not necessarily when you have a newborn)? You've proven you can be in love with several people over a lifetime and it not work out each time.

I might be way off here but I think I recognise the thoughts and feelings you describe. In which case I think you have to separate 2 things - firstly is this a relationship that's run its course, honeymoon period over, lust more than love etc or is it that you're still traumatised from previous relationships, questioning yourself, looking for any reason for things to be wrong/fail so history doesn't repeat itself?

If it's the latter then I think it's anxiety you're describing which can be absolutely debilitating. I think ACT would help here (acceptance commitment therapy) and there's a book called the happiness trap which I found really good. Ultimately your fears are overwhelming all the good stuff and you have to try and deal with it so it doesn't ruin your life.

I think you expected to remain on this romantic love high, for ever, but now you are disappointed because everything has settled into the everyday norm, which is absolutely fine, but maybe it’s not as thrilling? Also, there’s no such as thing as “the one”, and believing that will put extra pressure on yourself and any relationship you are in. Your husband sounds lovely, and the flaws that you think suddenly appeared, were always there, in the same way you have flaws and he accepts them as a part of who you are. I think this is all very dramatic. It doesn’t need to be.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I basically need to stay with this person now I have a kid with him as I've already got one failed family behind and so yes I'm not prepared to do this again. Yes I agree there's not enough realism in trying to find The One but basically all I'm trying to say is I'm not going anywhere now I have this person. But this does make me feel tremendous guilt that I'm doubting this relationship because yes we are right for each other in most ways and as for the differences, well - everyone has them. But yes I did think I found love finally with a man that respects and loves me truly. But perhaps to love someone you don't have to be in love.

Being in love is a fleeting feeling that disappears in most couples after about 1-3 years. It's based on the newness of a relationship, and is largely attributed to a surge in certain hormones we also get when we buy a shiny new toy.
Those feelings always gradually leave our system. In its place comes deeper love, connection, partnership, mutual understanding, commitment.

If you have those, then you're one of the lucky ones.

How do you feel about this man? Not how do you not feel. As in what is your current position, away from rather abstract ideas about being in love and the one? Do you get on? Do you care for each other? Have mutual warmth and understanding? Do you share practical tasks? Make each other laugh? Talk through problems?

There is nothing that you have said that makes this sound like a bad relationship. However, you are wrong when you say that you have to stay with him because you have a previous failed relationship. That is not a good reason to stay if something is seriously wrong.

Perhaps you're right about past trauma getting in the way of me moving on, I've obviously moved on but there's work to be done still. I remember in previous relationships (that failed) feeling on top the world when you're with that person and really wanting to be with them every waking moment and when you are you feel like literally that's all you need in life. I'm basically describing a feeling only. Feelings are not rational. But obviously now I'm older and loved and lost several times, which possibly has numbed me? I don't know?

I think you have a really weird approach to it all. I don’t think there’s such a thing as “the one” - I’ve been married twice and in 3 long term relationships, with now dh for 15 years. We get along well, we make each other happy and I’m sure he’d agree that we drive each other mad at times. The whole “one true love” stuff is made up crap. Life isn’t like that. And you don’t have to stay with someone who isn’t right just because you’ve had a dc with them and had a dc with someone else - no one cares. Not in real life. You have to just live your life and do the best you can to be happy.

”I remember in previous relationships (that failed) feeling on top the world when you're with that person and really wanting to be with them every waking moment and when you are you feel like literally that's all you need in life. I'm basically describing a feeling only. Feelings are not rational. But obviously now I'm older and loved and lost several times, which possibly has numbed me? I don't know?”

@JustaMumofTwo - what you’re describing is not realistic or particularly healthy. That’s what the initial heady days of a relationship may be like but those feelings settle down as a healthy relationship matures. One adult should not centre their world on another. As PPs have said, it really does sound like you’ve got your ideas about relationships from Mills & Boons books. You will be perpetually off balance and dissatisfied if you don’t get to grips with this. You might find Women Who Love Too Much an interesting read.

OP, falling in love is the rocket fuel that gets a new relationship going. But that dizzy, crazy feeling is not meant to last forever. When you come back to Earth, back to everyday life, you're building on that first wild surge of attraction, hopefully to create a strong bond of genuine love and solidarity.

It would be weird if you stayed in that dreamy state of romantic love, like eating candy-floss for every meal. Thinking that's what adult love is meant to be is tragic really. No one stays permanently in that state (and I say that though DH and I are the two most romantic people our friends know). Real adult love is something that grows deeper and stronger over the years, despite the niggles and irritations of everyday life.

I truly hope you can say an affectionate goodbye to your teenage dreams and build a genuine lasting love, based on reality.