In denial about not loving him despite choosing him as The One

[JustaMumofTwo]

I went to hell and back with my previous relationship. I have a child from that marriage and we now live with the painful legacy of what happened and share the custody of our beautiful daughter who is everything to us.

After some long years as a single mum and having my heart broken by a new boyfriend who was wrong for me, I suddenly surprised myself (and my family) by meeting this wonderful man who taught me to love and trust again. We now have a lovely new baby and his older half-sister adores him. Both my children make me so proud and my partner treats my daughter as his own. Even now I still have to pinch myself because I can't quite believe my luck, that I've been given another chance in life. I love the new family that I've built.

And yet for months I've felt something missing. It then dawned on me that for some unknown reason, I am not sure if I love my other half. But why? This just isn't making sense as when we got together things felt so right. Now that I think of him as The One, I find it daunting, question our love and push this thought away. I feel ungrateful that my feelings for him are dormant after everything he has given me. I have recently found myself getting irritated by his flaws, whereas only recently they didn't bother me. How can I accept them and grow to love him like I thought I have? How can a union without love last a lifetime, if indeed love has somehow faded away?

I personally think feelings for your significant other peak and trough throughout the relationship.
The strong ones ride the waves.

Sorry didn't mean to get everyone so puzzled over The One tag. I just wanted to summarise neatly in one line for the heading, I don't have such a simplistic view of relationships I simply wanted to explain that he is a "keeper" for many reasons. I just have noone to talk to about this so I'm grateful for you guys chipping in on the advice.
It's hard to see clarity when you're on the inside of your head lol

That dizzy he's "the one" feelings are infatuation and not real, they are amazing at the time but they are NOT the thing to base a loving committed relationship on.

There are lots of books around why we get those feelings and how dangerous they are if we've had poor parenting, abusive relationships etc.

I think being “in love” permanently is about as realistic as the concept of “the one”. Love is respecting someone, being kind to them, wanting to protect them, admiring them, being attracted to them and enjoying spending time with them - most of the time. I genuinely couldn’t deal with madness of the infatuation stage of early love at that same time as holding down a job, making sure we have a safe and nice place to live, worrying about and nurturing my children, and remembering all the zillion things I have to do each day to keep our lives ticking over. I’m ecstatic to have a kind and reliable partner to share all this with who I love hugely. But in no way am I nostalgic for feeling passionately in love to distraction - I have zero headspace or inclination for that.

My DH irritates the crap out of me sometimes, but would I want to be without him? Nope.

Don't they say that when you've had bad relationships it can feel boring or strange when you meet someone normal as there's no drama or highs and lows. Question how you would feel if you found out he was having an affair or if he one day left you, does the thought bother you? I think alot of people settle if it makes you feel better, not saying you have but I do believe that's what people do so no they're not always head over heels

I’ve never lived with anyone whose habits or flaws didn't irritate me after a while. Especially when you have babies and young children, are busy and sleep deprived.

I really disagree with all the posters saying you're being dramatic etc.

It's perfectly valid to want a relationship where you are truly in love. I have 2 things to note from your post - 1 is that you have recently had a baby, and even in the best of relationships, the tiredness and focus on baby can be a trying time.

Secondly, I wonder if because you had such a long relationship before, maybe you are worried that things will go south again now you are settled in a proper dynamic?

FWIW while I don't believe in soul mates as in there's literally 1 person for you, I absolutely do believe in kindred spirits, which is nothing woo, I just believe there are people who match so well together and it's wonderful. That's how I feel about DP, and he is my first/only relationship, we met when I was 19. I have thought about what might happen if something awful happened and we were no longer together, and I imagine it could be really hard to go through settling down with someone again. So I can definitely see how fear of another relationship breakdown could cause you to pull away emotionally from somebody.

OP - I think the problem is with what you think "love" is. And the fact that your previous relationships have been all dramatic and painful - so you have conditioned yourself to think love = high emotions, drama and pain....
This how you describe the feeling you think you don't have anymore for your H:

"I remember in previous relationships ... feeling on top the world when you're with that person and really wanting to be with them every waking moment and when you are you feel like literally that's all you need in life."

No long term relationship can withstand this intensity of feelings. Yes - this is how relationships start. And yours started this way as well. But after the initial explosion of hormones/feelings - relationships move on to a more mature phase, that can actually last a lifetime. It becomes a true partnership, with companionship, friendship, deep trust and connection - both mental and physical. It looks different to the honeymoon phase.
It's normal to notice each other's faults. In the initial phase you are too busy to pay attention.

In addition - you have a small baby... Of course your relationship is changing.

To summarize: stop thinking in terms of romantic novels. The One, and the dramatic language you use to describe your past and present relationships all speak of you being highly emotionally immature - imagining life as some sort of Hollywood movie or a fairy tale....

Thank you all for your valuable input and helping me stay grounded. I am a romantic and conditioned to be emotional but these days I just conceal my emotions in order to keep ticking; yes I do find that there's a lot to juggle day to day and time to myself and quality time with my other half is non existent. I am truly grateful for the life affirming comments especially as I've kept this completely to myself so only got yourselves to talk to on this delicate matter. I promise to stay grounded and continue to invest into this relatively new relationship from the roots and up, focusing on all the values you speak of - mutual understanding, respect, admiration, friendship, communication. I was broken before but I have dusted myself off and look ahead now so time will continue to bring all the things that makes a relationship strong and joyful. Amazing what a handful of strangers can do for you sometimes - and outsiders eye / a birds eye view can shed so much light. :)