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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband interferes in other people's business

62 replies

Viveladifference · 08/02/2025 15:15

Hi, I hope you can help me make sense of this. Sometimes my husband interferes in other people's business when we are out. E.g When we're out walking he motions to people they are driving too fast, they haven't indicated when he's walking along the road and a car is pulling out, tells people to put their dogs on a lead etc There's the potential for confrontation and I'm on pins about how people are going to react.
He says I'm too passive.

OP posts:
heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 16:12

Viveladifference · 08/02/2025 15:43

Thank you for the replies.
He's reduced his hours at work. Been ill recently, so he can't keep fit like he used to do. He was once a keen cyclist but can't do this now. He's probably frustrated with this and too much time on his hands. I don't know.
I don't want a Victor Meldrew!

I was going to say he sounds exactly like a typical cyclist.

Original poster
Viveladifference · 08/02/2025 16:38

In reply to @Dror yes, he sometimes does this. I've told him to stop interfering in whatever I'm doing and telling me the 'correct' way to do it. It's caused a few arguments. I've told him it puts me on pins.

OP posts:
Pat888 · 08/02/2025 16:46

I find older men love to tell me the facts and have no interest in my view or what I want to say. I guess they are losing authority as they age and becoming less relevant.
this is them trying to assert themselves.
I ignore mostly unless I have something important to say.

Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 16:52

Op are you happy with him?
second marriages?

Original poster
Viveladifference · 08/02/2025 17:07

@Bestthriller yes, second marriages after a long gap of neither being in a relationship.
We have been blissfully happy up until now, but we keep arguing on this issue of him interfering with what I'm doing and other people. It doesn't happen all the time, but enough that I'm now hyper sensitive to when it does happen.

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 08/02/2025 17:19

Viveladifference · 08/02/2025 17:07

@Bestthriller yes, second marriages after a long gap of neither being in a relationship.
We have been blissfully happy up until now, but we keep arguing on this issue of him interfering with what I'm doing and other people. It doesn't happen all the time, but enough that I'm now hyper sensitive to when it does happen.

Quite possibly he’s been able to keep a lid on this side to him for the past two years, and now it’s emerging.

if his mother is like it….

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/02/2025 17:22

@Viveladifference does he not get out much then OP??

LividBlah · 08/02/2025 17:22

Ew. I had one of these in a second marriage.

Undiagnosed ASD if it matters.

Wasn’t the final dealbreaker but was a waving red flag.

Seaoftroubles · 09/02/2025 00:50

OP You are going to have to make it very clear to him that unless he can restrain himself and stop criticising others when you are out together then he will be going out alone in future. He sounds unbearable and his inappropriate comments put you in a very embarrassing position. If he refuses then stick to your word and don't accompany him. If you enjoy walking maybe get a dog, it would certainly be more relaxing company!

Chongawonga · 09/02/2025 00:54

I have a friend who's dh is like this and the odd times I've been with them both together and he's done it I've felt so mortified, more so on behalf of my friend who is not like that at all. If it was dh I'd have to pull him up on it immediately and ask what on earth he was playing at, can't you do this op?

Original poster
Viveladifference · 09/02/2025 05:16

@TacticalEvasion thanks, I'll show that to him!

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 06:37

This issue aside, when he’s not interfering, are you happy op?
do you work? Get out of the house? Have hobbies and friends? If not… I’d start building this up asap before he retires

HopingForTheBest25 · 09/02/2025 07:43

So basically, he wants to carry on behaving like a dick and he doesn't care how uncomfortable or stressed his behaviour makes you feel.
There's no point in being married if you can't actually leave the house with him, for fear he's going to get into a big argument with a stranger and it potentially turn violent!

He either needs to get counselling to unravel why he's like this and to stop doing it, or you have to have a serious think as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You're only 2 years into a marriage - it's not too late to cut your losses.

WompWompBoom · 09/02/2025 08:08

The thing is a previous poster said. It only takes one person to go back and you have an issue.

I was at a leisure centre of all places with my ExH. He's a nice bloke to all (as in friendly, people love him), but an absolute hot head if challenged and has the sheer build from weight training daily in a gym to back it up. We were queuing to go in, the reception desk sort of split into 4, with one desk around the corner. Some bloke was in front of us, desk around the corner became free and shouted who's next, bloke in front didn't respond. She shouted again, but he was looking at him phone. Someone near him pointed at the desk, but he glanced up and carried on on his phone and didn't move, so my XH stepped around him and went to the desk instead. Bloke called out and told my XH he was a cunt and a raft of other things, yelling at him. My X was in his face in about .2 seconds asking him to repeat exactly what he said and he would happily take it outside to continue the conversation, and if he wanted to call someone a cunt he'd better have the balls to back that up, XH looked positively terrifying. The bloke shrivelled up like a prune, and stuttered an apology as I was trying to insert myself between them and staff were radioing for back up. Bloke stepped back and apologised and we carried on and went ice skating. The bloke was vile how he reacted and as he started doing it he had that air of superiority about it. XH shouldn't have reacted how he did, and I've never actually known him fight, but the guy throwing his attitude around didn't know that. In reception prior to that you'd have seen my X laughing and joking and thinking what a laugh he was. If you DH approaches the wrong person he could start something that's so bloody scary, and actually X did just walk away once the apology came, and just told him to mind his attitude. There are lots of people that won't do that.

I'd think very carefully about if you want to be with someone like this. One of the reasons (I'm among a fair few other bigger ones) I left my X was his reactions could be like the above and it was exhausting trying to anticipate as and when he'd react. He'd never start anything , but had no issue in going back hot either. You end up treading on egg shells whilst out and especially after a drink as you're looking for potential issues. My X mellowed as he got older too, it sounds like yours is just ramping up.

jubs15 · 09/02/2025 08:27

SnappyPeachMentor · 08/02/2025 15:57

Could it be undiagnosed ND or autism? Combined with male privilege it can be a toxic combination. If he's lost his work routine this may pretty much be your life going forward.

If you're walking off, and have explained you feel embarrassed, and he isn't even acknowledging this, and is making it all about HIM....

How long have you known him?

I have traits myself/tend to notice the details of things. Especially when I'm anxious I have a tendency to talk shit.

As a petite, single, low-status woman, if I mouth off my opinions at people in public I will get completely ostracised/ignored/attacked. Or I'll get kicked out of friendship groups. So I don't.

As an older man with a successful career and a wife, so a certain amount of status, "correcting" people probably doesn't get a negative reaction as much.

Not sure its going to get any better unfortunately.

I've seen older men (my late father, sadly, included) where they get so worked up/anxious/obsessive over irrelevant things that they really are better off solo. For everyone's peace of mind.

There's guys at my workplace who have to come back/refuse to retire as they are so "difficult" that they have to be somewhere they can follow new people around and correct them. Wives refuse to have them at home.

They're normal looking, good salaries, have everything going for them on paper. Pretty much the ideal bachelor for someone looking for a husband.

But there's that tendency to get into other people's space/randomly give aggressive lectures/word salads on things that are nothing to do with them.

My ex was autistic and if he was irritated by someone else's behaviour he would be damn rude to them. All I could do was pull a horrified face and mouth "I'm sorry" if I had the opportunity.

LadeedahYadaYada · 09/02/2025 08:29

Oh my dad was like that. Very cringe.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 08:58

An arrogant and intrusive man of a certain age. 🤮 I’m not surprised you hate it.

Him telling me how to do things would be the end of it for me.

HardenYourHeart · 09/02/2025 09:00

LadeedahYadaYada · 09/02/2025 08:29

Oh my dad was like that. Very cringe.

Same. My father also used to get very aggressive to people doing something "wrong". He is now too old to do that and has to put up with aggression of others. It has humbled him and made him easier to deal with, but his behavior is still cringe.

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 09/02/2025 09:10

I think you need to react authentically for you.

It looks like his repeated behavior makes you feel angry, why not show him your anger by yelling at him next time he does it?. He doesn't care about your feelings, so why should you care about his?

He will be mortified and angry in response....this is good.

Tell him that every time he behaves like that & spoils your walk, you will shout and embarrass him. Or, he can take your views onboard & stop doing it. It's his call.

His behavior is saying that his feeling matter more than yours. I'm 20 years in and only now realizing that unless you meet fire with fire, they're not motivated to change. Walking away, keeping calm, explaining my view has not worked.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2025 09:13

This is learnt behaviour; his mother behaves the same.

I would consider if this is a marriage you want to remain in. You are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

Twaddlepip · 09/02/2025 09:40

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2025 09:13

This is learnt behaviour; his mother behaves the same.

I would consider if this is a marriage you want to remain in. You are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

Why are you blaming a woman for this man’s awful conduct?!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2025 09:42

Im not. Im just pointing out his mother behaves the same. How is that at all blaming her?.

Original poster
Viveladifference · 09/02/2025 10:07

@Seaoftroubles and @SoundOfTheUnderground1 thank you both.
I have already decided not to go out walking with him for the next week. I need a rest from it and we end up arguing because I'm so tense and it's spoiling our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Viveladifference · 09/02/2025 10:08

@WompWompBoom this will happen to him sooner or later if he carries on this way!

OP posts: