Please help me not message him today

[Moodypony]

I'm in a relationship of sorts, which was 100% a rebound after a long, abusive marriage. I've tried to do everything "right" - got counselling, got through the divorce, adult dcs are happy and secure, rebuilt my life. Didn't leap from marriage to another relationship etc.

I'm several years down the line, and I have a friend who has crossed into something more. I love him like I've never loved anyone, and he knows that. He feels the same, and I've known him long enough to believe it.

But he is chaotic, total commitment phobe, and is never going to be able to give me what I need. I'm not after long term commitment, tied finances etc. I love the feeling of freedom I have now and I'm not giving it up.

But I just hate the hot/cold, I adore you, but I'm shutting down, I might be around, or maybe I'm not etc. He knows he's doing it.

I've muted him today. I'm out with a friend and I'm just not going to reply to him, but it's so bloody hard.

This is emotional abuse. It’s not healthy for you. You don’t need this in your life. There are plenty of men out there who would love a nice lady to date and still live separately, etc. I think the freedom programme would be good for you. Just because your marriage was more abusive doesn’t mean you should accept a slightly less abusive relationship. It’s still emotional abuse and as you say, he knows he’s doing it. Block him.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What was your mother and father like? Re your dad was he a commitment phobe or otherwise emotionally unavailable?. He casts a long shadow here and may well be why you chose these men to be in a relationship with. Did your mother also impart a lot of damaging lessons on relationships to you?.

You basically went from one abusive relationship into another one which is a non uncommon scenario sadly. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further eroded by this so called friend who is really anything but. Your type is not your type.

Block all ways of you being able to contact him and keep busy. If he contacts you do not respond; you need to maintain radio silence because he wants a response from you. If you at all respond he knows he has you then.

Enrol yourself indeed onto the Freedom Programme as a part of your recovery from these abuses of you.

But I just hate the hot/cold, I adore you, but I'm shutting down, I might be around, or maybe I'm not etc. He knows he's doing it.

Very sorry to read that you are being emotionally abused in this way.

The hot cold is trickling your brain into thinking you need more of this when what you really need is for it all to stop and you to get your feel goods from somewhere else which doesn't have this toxic intermittent rewards.

Good it for more help and trust me, you you start to feel better once you get them out of your life.

I'm so angry with myself, because I know all of this. I had an extremely good therapist, I've done all the reading and work. And I knew exactly what he was like - I've known him for a long time and I know his patterns. And he knows them too! We both know it, but I still fell into it. And he really has helped me a lot, but it isn't enough.

I hate this sick feeling. We had a row by text last night, he just closed down. I didn't sleep, we spoke this morning and it didn't help, and he "might" see me tomorrow.

My relationship with my parents - mum 100% emotionally dependent on me, and highly manipulative. My dad was totally emotionally unavailable. I have one, very unstable and frankly nasty sibling.

My marriage was properly highly abusive, but it took me nearly 30 years to understand. I thought it was just me not being strong enough. I posted here at the time - the response was unanimous and I did listen and got out.

I just thought this friend understood and loved me enough not to hurt me this much. It took a huge level of bravery from me to start to trust him, and he knew it. But he still shut down anyway.

I have to stop it now, no matter how devastated I will be.

Put your phone away and enjoy your Saturday.

In the past I’ve forced myself to not speak to men and cracked on with my day. The longer you leave it the easier it is.

Oh and please don’t see him tomorrow. The game ends when you stop playing.

Back to counseling. You know better but you're stuck chasing an emotionally unavailable person.

The commitment phobe approach allows him the best of both worlds. Being with you when he fancies a bit of company/sex, and also complete freedom to do what he wants when he wants with no obligation to check in on you and your plans.

This part I'm baffled by: "But he is chaotic, total commitment phobe, and is never going to be able to give me what I need. I'm not after long term commitment, tied finances etc. I love the feeling of freedom I have now and I'm not giving it up."

You have contradicted yourself here. You have also 'allowed' yourself to fall for a guy who displays the behaviours which make you upset. I'm not saying in any way that you're to blame in any way, but you say he's a commitment phobe and then say you're not looking for that but your post says to me that actually, you are. I have to say, I agree with the PP for back to counselling to address why you keep 'choosing' these people. No judgement, I've done it myself.

Time to cut loose. I'm sure he'll pursue but if you do want a different life for yourself, he has to go, I'm sorry to say.

Never lower yourself to arguing with a man or allowing one to dangle himself as some kind of prize you 'might' be allowed.
The only reason to allow a man in your life is if he makes it fun, massively enhances it every day, and brings peace. That's the entire point.

You'd be better off avoiding blokes altogether until you do work on your standards, self esteem, and how to spot abusers.

(or even then, why bother? Statistically the happiest people in society are childfree, single women. Enjoy being free of males 🥳)

Thanks all. I've just been to the theatre, totally engrossing play. I feel weirdly calmer.

I do honestly understand this. The therapy was such a massive eye opener - I was seeing her and my GP for 18 months. I'd been trained to totally shut down my emotions since childhood and, when I allowed them to surface, and actually fall in love, I lost perspective.

He's literally the only part of my life where I feel out of control now. I just didn't read him as abusive. But then I didn't read my ex as abusive either, and he was awful.

Take back the control in this last one part of your life OP.

It will be a huge relief.

Keep busy - go for a swim, a run, to a museum, to the cinema, shop and cook some incredibly elaborate meal, rearrange your cupboards, clean your oven, phone a friend…whatever you do will be both distracting and good for you, and will send him further into the distance. He’s not good for you, but you know that. You also know he won’t change.

This is the tough bit. Long evening ahead on my own, and he'll try and get in touch later. I'm just wiped out. I hate the person I've become at the moment.

Spend the evening planning what you’re going to do with your life in 2025 now that you’re single and free as a bird. Maybe look at places you’d like to travel to, interest courses you’d like to take, new activities you’d like to try or groups you’d like to join. What would you like to get involved with? Focus on you and the endless opportunities and possibilities available to you. Take great pleasure and excitement in the prospect of a whole new direction!

You can do this OP, one minute at a time, one day at a time until you'll realise a few weeks have passed and you haven't thought of him. Stay busy, go to bed early, give yourself some fabulous self care x

I slept, which is better than the sleepless night before. I've got today planned out too.

None of my friends actually knew that this friendship had crossed into something else, because I was so cautious about it after my marriage. If I wasn't so vulnerable, I definitely wouldn't have let it get to that point tbh.

I feel empty, but it's not a bad feeling. Calm.

This! I have been in the same situation albeit abusive relationship was shorter. I'm in recovery so treated this "relationship" like a toxic addiction. Understanding it is helpful but not the only thing you need. You need to want him out of your life. Like every day ask god/the universe/ whatever you can tell your intentions to to remove your obsession toward him. Then find the things that bring you joy and don't involve him. For me it's running, swimming, a beautiful sunrise or sunset and spending time with people who get me and who make me feel good. At first I did loads of puzzles on my phone just to distract myself from the thoughts of him but they are falling away now he's properly out of my life and I am no longer harbouring thoughts of him changing his mind and wanting to properly be in my life. I even changed his name in my head to toxic narcissist as he preyed on me when I was vulnerable therefore was never actually a friend. This was probably the hardest bit to see him as he actually is and not look at how I'd act in this situation. You can do this. I'm 4 months on from blocking and removing all channels of contact and can say I am feeling joy again. Unfortunately it just takes time.

It's hurting. A lot. What hurts most is that he saw my marriage break down, he understood and saw the damage. And he promised me that he wouldn't hurt me. And then he hurt me. He knows what he's done.

Some people just cause chaos, and I think he's one of them. I'm out being busy, but I just feel sick.

A few days and you’ll feel better.

Hi OP like you said, you've done all the work so deep down you know what's happening here.

You're right to take a break and refocus on yourself

One day at a time. If you message him, you have to start the one days all over again.
Can you block him? I know it's hard, but if you can that may help a bit.

Thinking of you OP. It's so hard not to text them when you are convinced you love them. But it's a temporary high followed by feeling like shit. You can do it. You have already overcome much worse. You deserve better than scraps of his time ❤️

I know. I know you're all right. I've just broken down so much over the last few years, it was a long marriage, ex was properly abusive. So I feel like I've already had to rebuild once, and this just feels utterly awful.

And I can't tell my friends. None of them knew, and I can't face telling them.

I hope time will help. Blocking him won't make a difference - I've ignored his last few messages and, like I say, he knows what he's done. I can be very stubborn with stuff like this, but it's ripping me apart inside.