Please help me not message him today

[Moodypony]

I'm in a relationship of sorts, which was 100% a rebound after a long, abusive marriage. I've tried to do everything "right" - got counselling, got through the divorce, adult dcs are happy and secure, rebuilt my life. Didn't leap from marriage to another relationship etc.

I'm several years down the line, and I have a friend who has crossed into something more. I love him like I've never loved anyone, and he knows that. He feels the same, and I've known him long enough to believe it.

But he is chaotic, total commitment phobe, and is never going to be able to give me what I need. I'm not after long term commitment, tied finances etc. I love the feeling of freedom I have now and I'm not giving it up.

But I just hate the hot/cold, I adore you, but I'm shutting down, I might be around, or maybe I'm not etc. He knows he's doing it.

I've muted him today. I'm out with a friend and I'm just not going to reply to him, but it's so bloody hard.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/me-we/201312/10-ways-low-self-esteem-affects-women-in-relationships?amp

If your leg was injured you would seek help.

It's no different for emotionally damaged women like you who have little or no self worth.

It feels a bit unfinished if you're just ignoring him, I would be more inclined to tell him it's not working and please dont contact you, then block him.

Wow OP. I could gave written this. I had exactly the same type of family, a 20 year long marriage, subtly abusive, and next relationship was with a dismissive avoidant, just like your friend.
Of course our father is mainly to blame for this as well as our unsupportive mothers. Our abusive siblings are also a victim of parenthood, however not our problem to resolve.
Afrer splitting with my avoidant ex I embarked on psychotherapy. I ended up going no contact with my dad and low contact with my mum. I am very happy and relieved. I do not feel any guilt anymore and my mum cannot manipulate me. I am not dating atm, I enjoy my freedom and looking for a completely different type of partner. Avoidant, narcissistic men do not seem attractive to me anymore.

I would advise you to start therapy asap. Key to your recovery will be to go no contact with your father.

@Christl78 scary how we follow such clear patterns.

My dad died some years ago, with his dying words to me being, stop crying, pull yourself together, you've got to be the strong one for everyone else.

I've put boundaries in place for my mother, although going low contact is just not an option. I'm certainly not being manipulated as I was.

Seriously, I thought I had this. I've done so much work. I feel like such an idiot. I feel like I've been mugged, and I feel very scared and sad.

“The strong one for everyone else”. The neglected kid who has been manipulated to save useless parents. The parentified daughter.
OP, my advice to you is get more therapy and not enter a relationship until you work on your codendency and CPTSD. However,
for full recovery you would need to be ruthless about who you keep in your life, even your family. You mother may not be manipulating you anymore, however she definitely triggers emotional flashbacks and your CPTSD. Realistically, you would have to cut her off to move on and build a healthy new life.

Just try to remember that feelings change and how you feel now isn’t permanent. It’s early days. Keep going out and spending time with friends. This will pass with some time.

I'm so sorry to read your posts @Moodypony
This man needs to stay blocked.
Weekends are hard when you're feeling like this.

I'd get myself a box of chox, and binge-watch a long series of something on Netflix.

@Christl78 I know, but she is elderly and still hugely manipulated herself by my sister. I dealt with this relationship last year, and it's manageable.

The fear I have is that I was surrounded by and so shed so many toxic people, that I don't know where to start. I don't like the person I am becoming, because I'm cynical and in danger of becoming bitter, and that's not me.

God, I'm so scared and it hurts so much.

One of the same about my brother and my mother. But I can now see that she has brought herself into this and I am not paying for anyone’s mistakes.
I made the decision to focus all my energy on myself and my needs only. None else’s. My whole life has been governed by codepnendecy and guilt which, to a large extent, was created by my mother.
It’s the first time of my life I feel extremely happy because someone, at last, takes care of me. Me.
I have made the decision that anyone who doesn’t offer me anything and only receives from me, will not be a part of my life. End of story and I am not resolving anyone’s problems anymore.

I wish I could be that strong.

Everything in my life revolved around caring for others emotionally. Even my career is based on that. And literally no one ever ever put me first. I have good friends, but no one has ever cared for me. I thought this friend was a good friend, but he's clearly not.

This sounds like self pity, but I'm so sad.

This man isn’t a man who will care for you. He’s already being careless with your emotions.

Care for yourself, stop caring for others emotionally outside of work. I also had a mother who has emotionally dependent on me for everything so I grew up with the belief that I was responsible for other people’s emotions.

When you’ve had no one to care for you your whole life, it can be very hard to let a relationship go. Even when that person was never capable of caring for someone in the first place. But the feelings will pass if you let them.

Hurting today. I know it's a matter of time, but I'm so sad. I'm trying to throw myself into work, but it's almost impossible. We met through work, so it triggers even more. Amd I can't tell anyone at work, they all know him and like him, but I didn't tell anyone because I was too nervous. I can't believe he's spectacularly blown this, simply because he's a coward.

I know I'm going round in a loop, but I'm triggering all over the place.

That's hard OP. You say that you know that he can't give you what you need so it's never going to be a good outcome. He sounds quite cold. I'd contact him and say you'd prefer it that you stay friends. You can then find someone who can meet your needs.

You've been brave enough to get out of a long abusive marriage which must've taken a lot of courage.
Don't sell yourself short. I know you're hurting but compared to what you've come through then you'll get through this.
Doesn't sound like he's adding anything to your life except stress.
Let it go and move on. You need to make room for a better relationship. He really isn't good enough for you.

He really isn't adding anything but stress. He was helpful at a time when I needed a friend, but the stress is greatly outweighing everything.

I've backed off and he is aware, but this feels more like heartbreak than leaving my marriage. That just felt like getting out of a war zone. This is pure heartbreak.

Honestly, I can't explain everything because it is worth a book, and it's too outing but, if you knew the whole story...it's frankly worth a book! People who know tiny bits are always taken aback, but the true story is overwhelming. When I posted about my marriage on here, I was receiving responses from people saying it was the most emotionally abusive thing they'd come across. I once sat down and wrote out as many LTB moments I could remember off the top of my head, and came up with 76 before I'd had to actually think properly.

This should a walk in the park, but it feels like a betrayal because he saw it, he promised me he wouldn't hurt me, and he did!

I’ve been in the same situation and it’s awful. The desperation just to keep in touch. The need for answers and reassurance. Mine ended when I found out he was cheating with an ex. I still chased him for another year! Terrible times x