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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end? Feeling torn

35 replies

Fran347 · 07/02/2025 22:22

Hi everyone,
been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I am feeling like we’ve reached the end of the road. He lives an hour away and until now we’ve made it work but there’s been a constant theme of not having much time together.
we both have children from previous relationships and he is main carer for his although has some weekends free as he also works weekends. This is the trouble: we have one day a week together but can go a couple of weeks apart. We barely have time as a couple and there are no plans to move in together as all the children are settled. Me moving would take mine away from their father which I’m not willing to do.
it’s not just the lack of time. He can be stubborn and defensive. Over Christmas we have had issues and there seems to be a lot of “tit for tat” comments. If I raise an issue I get “yeah but you do that too”. He literally doesn’t listen to me and will walk out of the room when I’m mid sentence: he has also shown little interest in my life before him. I’m late 30’s and was with previous partner a long time and if I mention a previous holiday or something, the conversation shuts down. Thing is, I’ve had a nice life and interesting trips. If I can’t share that then what’s the point??
I’m fearful of ending it, he is overall a nice person, treats me well aside from these issues but am I being picky?? Will I just end up on my own in my 40’s. I feel like I’m lonely even though I’m in a relationship. My kids get along with him although over Christmas he did upset my 9 year old as we had argued prior to her coming home from her dads and he basically ignored her for the two hours she was with us! She noticed and it was so awkward: I had a good chat with her the following day:
I haven’t spoken to friends as I worry that if I say it out loud then it really is over.
I’m nor sure what I’m asking. Just some opinions I guess.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 07/02/2025 22:27

He took out your argument on your 9 year old DD? What a shit. Surely that's the end?

category12 · 07/02/2025 22:33

Don't stay in a relationship you feel lonely in out of fear of being single. It's worse than being on your own.

If you're free, at least you have the opportunity to meet someone new.

TwistedWonder · 07/02/2025 22:34

You realise that being single is a million times better than being with the wrong man?

Him taking his mood out on a 9 year old would be the end for me.

You say he’s a nice person and he treats you well - but that’s in between the times he’s nasty, spiteful, manipulative and rude.

The crumbs of decent behaviour don’t offset the bad shit.

AwaitingFreedom · 07/02/2025 22:34

He literally doesn’t listen to me and will walk out of the room when I’m mid sentence:
That is not conducive to a loving and supportive partnership. Think hard about who has taught you to put up and accept someone who is abusive and demeaning.

Let this one go and do The Freedom Programme otherwise you will end up with another manipulative man. You are worth more than this.

RentalWoesNotFun · 07/02/2025 22:36

He doesn't sound like he had much respect for you or your child.

You'd prob be happier without him.

gamerchick · 07/02/2025 22:41

Christ.

Dude, read your OP as if it's someone you love writing it.

Do yourself a favour.

Original poster
Fran347 · 07/02/2025 22:41

I feel relieved that you can see what I’m feeling.
The situation with my daughter has bothered me ever since. He came down Sunday evening and basically sat on the sofa when usually he’d come and chat while I cook. I passed comment and then after dinner he came out the kitchen and went to leave as I was talking saying “I thought I’d go back in the lounge as there was no chat”. Why is it only me who can make a conversation??
He makes fun of my accent and when I pulled him up on it on the weekend, and my son said “but that’s her accent!” I got a “but you correct mine too”. And I think there I’m being picky perhaps because I don’t like fun being made of me: but my son commented and I didn’t like that.
As a person I like fun and I’m playful. Me and the kids enjoy together and I do feel like I’m not myself with him. I feel like I’m waiting for another argument or to be pulled up on something or I don’t know. I think I’m answering my own questions!
I can’t seem to reply to individual comments but thank you so far, you are helping so much xx

OP posts:
SociopathicGorilla · 07/02/2025 22:55

Get rid of this obnoxious prick.

MeganM3 · 07/02/2025 23:00

It doesn't sound like happy, secure relationship. And he doesn't sound like a very nice man.

While you stay with him, you're losing out on the opportunity to use your time in other, more beneficial and productive ways. That will make you happy. And eventually find someone else who will be a better fit.

There's no point hanging on. You're late 30s so have presumably done breakups before and now how they work. It's shit for a while and then it's a lot, lot better. No contact for a minimum of 45 days is necessary.

CorEckIsLike · 07/02/2025 23:15

Sounds like a complete wanker OP sorry - and you can do mikes better than him. And being a dick around your DP, no sireee

suburberphobe · 07/02/2025 23:23

He literally doesn’t listen to me and will walk out of the room when I’m mid sentence: he has also shown little interest in my life before him.

Tells you all you need to know sweetheart.

I have a (now adult) kid. They ALWAYS become before a man.

I find most men childish while in grown bodies, selfish and just want to get their leg over.

Not all of course! It's similar to looking for a diamond in the muck.

Hoorah for fabulous decent men! There's lots of them about.

Ironironiron · 07/02/2025 23:24

OP, he sounds immature. That's so awful ignoring your 9 year old after an argument with you. It's a red flag using a child as an emotional tool. Doesn't warrant your energy.

Original poster
Fran347 · 07/02/2025 23:28

It’s really heartbreaking! He said he offered her his hand for a walk and she “snatched it away” so left her to it. She asked me about 3-4 times “what’s wrong with (name)” and I reassured her it was ok, but did tell her in the following days that we had argued and he wasn’t talking to me at the time. I didn’t want to invalidate what she had seen, because she knew something was wrong that afternoon, but I couldn’t do anything at the time. It really really upset me. She kept making jokes and tried getting a reaction from him but nothing. He said he can’t just “put on a front” and wouldn’t for his own kids. But surely he could’ve hidden it a little.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/02/2025 06:26

Fran347 · 07/02/2025 23:28

It’s really heartbreaking! He said he offered her his hand for a walk and she “snatched it away” so left her to it. She asked me about 3-4 times “what’s wrong with (name)” and I reassured her it was ok, but did tell her in the following days that we had argued and he wasn’t talking to me at the time. I didn’t want to invalidate what she had seen, because she knew something was wrong that afternoon, but I couldn’t do anything at the time. It really really upset me. She kept making jokes and tried getting a reaction from him but nothing. He said he can’t just “put on a front” and wouldn’t for his own kids. But surely he could’ve hidden it a little.

No, he's hurting her emotionally to get to you.

Put her first and get shot of him. He'll ruin her self esteem and make her insecure.

Lurkingandlearning · 08/02/2025 07:37

You wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from a friend, would you? Why tolerate from someone who is supposed to love you?

AltitudeCheck · 08/02/2025 07:46

You said you are worried about being alone but surely this is worse? You said you feel lonely and although you only have limited time to spend with him and when you do see him he doesn't seem to add any joy to you or your kids lives!

The silent treatment, to a child?? That's inexcusable, my dad used to do that to mum, DB and me and it is so harmful, it creates dreadful anxiety, wrecks self esteem and creates people pleasing tendencies. Let him do that shit elsewhere, but don't invite it into your lives.

Faz469 · 08/02/2025 08:05

Fran347 · 07/02/2025 23:28

It’s really heartbreaking! He said he offered her his hand for a walk and she “snatched it away” so left her to it. She asked me about 3-4 times “what’s wrong with (name)” and I reassured her it was ok, but did tell her in the following days that we had argued and he wasn’t talking to me at the time. I didn’t want to invalidate what she had seen, because she knew something was wrong that afternoon, but I couldn’t do anything at the time. It really really upset me. She kept making jokes and tried getting a reaction from him but nothing. He said he can’t just “put on a front” and wouldn’t for his own kids. But surely he could’ve hidden it a little.

This is the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. He should not be taking his feelings out on your daughter.

Everyone argues, but you don't make it awkward for the kids. For this alone, it would be over for me.

MamaBanana12 · 08/02/2025 08:34

'didn’t want to invalidate what she had seen, because she knew something was wrong that afternoon, but I couldn’t do anything at the time. It really really upset me. '

I'm sorry but in this moment, you could do something. You calmly ask your daughter to run upstairs, and then you walk straight over to this lump of shit and tell him to get out of your house for being so pathetic and disrespectful and never come back or contact you again.

Then you pop upstairs, apologise to your daughter and explain that he's gone.

You both deserve better than this. I hope you find the strength to end it and walk away and find someone who respects you and your children.

healthybychristmas · 08/02/2025 09:32

You know what I would do? I would dump him by text and have a little party tonight for you and the children to celebrate. At the party each of you say things you didn't like about him and then from tomorrow morning none of you mention him again!

Original poster
Fran347 · 08/02/2025 10:28

It’s all going round and round in my head, all of these things build up to big things don’t they.
my daughter doesn’t like him calling ber “babe” (her dad calls her babe, pet names like sweetheart, babe, darling are all common with us) and she asked him to pick something different, and built up the courage to tell him herself (I offered to do it for her) and she asked him not to. And now he still does it and even joked with his own teenage daughter that he calls my daughter babe now just to wind her up! That really pisses me off actually, and do you know, I’m not telling him these things because it’ll cause an argument or a sulk and I’m keeping the peace. He said the other day I’m being picky and wanting everything to be perfect. But these are problems for me. If my daughter says, don’t call me that, then don’t call her that. It’s really not that difficult is it x

OP posts:
Quoolington · 08/02/2025 10:32

Reading what you have put, it would be far better to be on your own. Being on your own isn’t so bad actually. 💐

category12 · 08/02/2025 14:01

Stop "keeping the peace" at your daughter's expense. You're helping teach her her feelings don't matter by not standing up for her. He's open about deliberately winding her up and you're effectively picking his team instead of your dd's.

SociopathicGorilla · 09/02/2025 01:40

He mustn’t come back. He’s gotten away with emotionally abusing you ( stonewalling and making fun of you) and now he’s trying his luck with your little girl. How dare he come into your home and cause an atmosphere and make daughter uncomfortable? You only see him 4 times a month and he can’t even be civil for that short time. Fucking prick.

Women have been sold an utter lie by being told it’s a terrible thing to be single. And the only people who benefit from that lie is low value men.

CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 07:56

Read the full thread OP. Please dump this prick right away you owe him nothing. The way he has treated your daughter is inexcusable. Stop being Mrs nice guy and start living a much happier life just you and your kids you don't need him

DorothyStorm · 09/02/2025 08:00

HellonHeels · 07/02/2025 22:27

He took out your argument on your 9 year old DD? What a shit. Surely that's the end?

This. End it now. Immediately. Bu text. Then block him. What an absolute arsehole.

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