Am I crazy to feel upset by this?

[motleysue]

Last week we attended a party a the home of my husbands friend, there were a few other couple there, all in our 40's. Mostly these are people we socialise with a few times a year although my husband's friend's other friend and his wife were also there. Normally the wife rarely shows up to these parties and is either elsewhere or just not wanting to come. I've really only ever met her a handful of times and while she is nice she's a bit reserved and aloof, possibly just a bit shy.

Anyway, we are there at a the party and I just notice this rapport my husband has with this women, he seems very focused on her and spends much of the night trying to get a rise out of her and she him, very successfully as well on her part. I realised very quickly, these two really know each other and that there is something between them except I don't think they have spoken much and hardly seen each other in the 20 years I've been with DH. He sees her husband, not her a few times a year and if he sees her its only in passing.

So later I ask him about her and he says they were just all friends and hung about a lot when they were younger and that at one point they were closer. I push a bit more and DH tells me that about 22 years ago now, while he was going through a tough time, his parents were divorcing and his mental health was bad she was kind to him and he for a long time thought he was in love with her which made things worse for him as she wasn't single (she is still with the same man, now her DH) and at one point he made a declaration of love to her which was rejected and led to basically her avoiding him for years really. I met him a couple of years after this happened and he had told me that he'd been in a bad place for a while, and had a large romantic disappointment because he'd been in love with someone who wasn't available.

Anyway it emerged that this "unavailable someone" was this woman at the party and I just don't know how I feel about it. I mean its all well in the past except he does still see her sometimes, he's in her house (when her husband is there) a few times a year. He made it sound like it was someone he didn't know anymore but she's been right there all along. Also we look quite alike, similar colouring, hairstyle and features, am I just a substitute for her? Perhaps he just has a type? To me it seemed from their interaction that he still has some kind of crush on her and that their is some kind of spark between them.

On the other hand it seems clear that for the most part they avoid each other and they could have taken up together all those years ago if she had really wanted to. I have no idea when will see her again either.

Am I crazy to feel a bit upset about this?

I think you are overreacting. However it would be interesting to know what others think

Perhaps, I am not super upset by it but it just has unsettled me, I don't think I've ever felt threat from another woman before over my husband but I felt it last weekend.

I can see why you feel unsettled as your DH wasn’t upfront about the mystery woman’s identity. It does sound like it was a hard no from her tho and that you have little to worry about. Probably no more than an old friendship style spark.

I know everybody has a past but your DH has not been honest with you about part of his past which still impacts on your relationship today.
It's not only the fact that he goes to this woman's house sometimes and sees her, even if her husband is there, but that you have witnessed for yourself that you DH and this woman still have chemistry together.
I'm not surprised you are upset because I think he has been less than open and honest with you.

I'd be well upset by this! I mean, at least he's come clean but his behaviour suggests that he still has feelings for her - and you've been together how long before you realised this was his great unrequited love??
Not a threat now, but still pretty gutting.

I would be unsettled too.

I think I would find the deliberate and obvious "getting a rise" from one another in company (and in my company) disrespectful given what you now know. I wonder how your husband would feel if you and your " one who got away" had a similar (not so secret) rapport whenever you met and how he would feel if you had in fact been meeting him for years and including him in these meet ups without telling him. The fact that she is aloof with you whilst engaged with him is also rude and unnecessary if she was happy with her choice and was a kind person.

I would probably tell my husband that it has unsettled me that he didn't tell me before and that I found it disrespectful. I would not spend time in her company again because life is too short to be hanging out with people who are in a weird, secret competition with me.

What would his reaction be if the show was on the other foot ?
The behaviour from both at the party doesn't sound quite respectful enough for two married people with a history ....

To be fair to her I don't think she is aloof just to me its just the way she is I think with everyone not just with me. I actually quite liked her myself when we spoke last weekend, prior the whole thing with my husband.

I appreciate everyone making me feel like I'm not crazy to feel this way.

@mulberrybag I mean I think from her pov they are old friends but from his its something more maybe. I don't know.

I think the fact that your DH immediately explained the whole thing, and that it is consistent with what he told you honestly about it back when you got together (albeit not identifying the person), means you have nothing to worry about. He didn't prevaricate or try to hide anything or get flustered. Doesn't sound like any guilty conscious there.

I wouldn't worry about you looking similar either. Lots of men and women have a particular "type" they find attractive.

… and I just notice the rapport that DH has with this woman, he seems very focused on her and spends much of the night trying to get a rise out of her and she him, very successfully as well on her part. I realized very quickly, these two really know each other and there is something between them…

… he had a large romantic disappointment because he’d been in love with someone who was unavailable. He made it sound like it was someone he didn’t know anymore but she’s been right there all along.

To me it seemed from their interaction that he still has some kind of crush on her and that there is some kind of spark between them.

@motleysue, I would feel extremely unsettled over this. Your H has been making a fool of you. He and this woman were laser-focused on each other and engaged in mutual flirting during the whole evening. The connection and chemistry between them was palpable and evident to you (and likely to anyone who was near them). And he behaved this way right in front of confused and clueless you (as is her H, I assume). When you questioned H later, he was not honest initially, and you had to push him to come clean about their history, which was likely only a partial-truth. I would bet that you don’t yet have the full story.

He’s been gaslighting you from the beginning by lying by omission and keeping you in the dark. During all these years, he made you believe that the ‘someone’ was completely out of the picture, when she was actually right under your nose. Even now he is claiming that his feelings for her were never reciprocated, but you clearly witnessed their mutual spark. I would assume that they interact with the same charged dynamic when H visits their home several times a year, and they may indeed be alone at times there. Could they possibly be messaging?

@motleysue, you saw them in an intimate, flirtatious bubble and you were the outsider. Did you confront him about their blatant flirting? How did he respond? Frankly, between that and his long-term dishonesty in hiding her identity, I would be rapidly losing trust and respect for him.

@SummerInSun I think that is probably a rational way to look at it and I think at the time we got together she was mostly out of the picture so its possible he thought that identifying her wasn't that important. I think perhaps its just that it isn't like him to show such an obvious interest and attraction to someone else, its just rattled me a bit. We've been though some difficult times in the past, on the edge of divorce even but I never for a minute ever felt like there was someone else for him and I suppose even now there isn't but he obviously likes her a lot.

@MsDogLady Hmm it doesn't look great when you put it like that. I suppose it is probably not really likely to be a major issue when he really doesn't see her often, I don't think they are messaging or in contact. Its more just a bit difficult for me to see him so obviously into someone else, and perhaps that is a bit disrespectful. However its perhaps just unresolved past stuff for him and not really anything that will be acted on now.

Did you ask him if he still has feelings for her, or share your observation on his behaviour? I think you need to be honest with him about how it made you feel.

@LittleGreenHouse I didn't ask him directly if he still has feelings, I think he knows that he'd busted though and that I wasn't thrilled by it. I don't know, perhaps they were just a bit nervous being in each others company and that was their way of trying to dispel the tension?

What do you mean by ‘getting a rise out of her/him?

@Bewareofthisonetoo Just trying to wind each other up, she really had him a few times as well, almost better than I can do which is saying something. That was probably the worst of it actually, she really knows him and they've barely been in contact for 20 years.

I can't see why at the beginning of your relationship he didn't tell you that she was the one he had a crush on but it didn't come to fruition as she was married.

Why would he not mention it?

I find that odd.

I'd be raging as the winding each other up sounds like a deep emotional connection, an intimacy through pushing boundaries and joking with each other.

It doesn't sound like they are up to anything though, more just chemistry on their part, but very disrespectful to you and her H

I’d let this one go. We all have a past. She’s clearly not interested in your husband or she’d have taken the chance 20 years ago. It’ll feel weird in future if you see her, but try not to create her into a ‘threat’ in your head when she’s not. She’s someone from his past and they have some history. But it’s exactly that: the past, and history.

@Chuchoter At the time they barely spoke at all or saw each other, he hardly even saw her husband and had kind of dropped out of that social circle. She also wasn't married at the time, they were all early 20's back then but she did go on to marry her then boyfriend.

Have you been around them together before? Is this the first time you've noticed this behaviour?

It wouldn't be the actual relationship that would upset me op, even if they had slept together twenty years ago which, going by your dh's account, they may not have done. Young people do have close intense friendships within groups, and sleep with, and fall in love with one another.

😝It would be the secrecy about it that would upset me, and leaving you to find out the way you did.

Presumably you asked your DH about why he chose to keep this particular bit of info quiet op? If so, what did he say?

I think I would feel unsettled because it would be like everyone else being in on a joke; and you being left out, which is a bit disrespectful.

And the closeness they still share, the joking etc, would suggest that they are still very much at ease with one another. That's strange given that they haven't spent much time together in 20 years? And you sensed your dh's focus on her. It wasn't your imagination. I think I would be asking him what his feelings are for her now?

I think you are justified in feeling a bit put out tbh.

Overall though, I guess it depends on how good your relationship is with your DH currently, whether this discovery shakes your foundations a little. Even that isn't always a bad thing! We all need to be reminded every so often that our spouses have the potential to have feelings for others, even when they are not acting on them and our marriages are good.

I understand your feelings now though; it's unclear whether this is something or absolutely nothing! And therefore you are unsure as to how to respond to it!

"I'd be raging as the winding each other up sounds like a deep emotional connection, an intimacy through pushing boundaries and joking with each other."

@Newname25 This is exactly how I do feel, its clear there is something there between them even if it isn't any threat now. I think they probably avoid each other as much as possible because the chemistry is so apparent when they are together. Not very enjoyable for me to have to see though.