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Original poster

Am I crazy to feel upset by this?

43 replies

motleysue · 07/02/2025 21:38

Last week we attended a party a the home of my husbands friend, there were a few other couple there, all in our 40's. Mostly these are people we socialise with a few times a year although my husband's friend's other friend and his wife were also there. Normally the wife rarely shows up to these parties and is either elsewhere or just not wanting to come. I've really only ever met her a handful of times and while she is nice she's a bit reserved and aloof, possibly just a bit shy.

Anyway, we are there at a the party and I just notice this rapport my husband has with this women, he seems very focused on her and spends much of the night trying to get a rise out of her and she him, very successfully as well on her part. I realised very quickly, these two really know each other and that there is something between them except I don't think they have spoken much and hardly seen each other in the 20 years I've been with DH. He sees her husband, not her a few times a year and if he sees her its only in passing.

So later I ask him about her and he says they were just all friends and hung about a lot when they were younger and that at one point they were closer. I push a bit more and DH tells me that about 22 years ago now, while he was going through a tough time, his parents were divorcing and his mental health was bad she was kind to him and he for a long time thought he was in love with her which made things worse for him as she wasn't single (she is still with the same man, now her DH) and at one point he made a declaration of love to her which was rejected and led to basically her avoiding him for years really. I met him a couple of years after this happened and he had told me that he'd been in a bad place for a while, and had a large romantic disappointment because he'd been in love with someone who wasn't available.

Anyway it emerged that this "unavailable someone" was this woman at the party and I just don't know how I feel about it. I mean its all well in the past except he does still see her sometimes, he's in her house (when her husband is there) a few times a year. He made it sound like it was someone he didn't know anymore but she's been right there all along. Also we look quite alike, similar colouring, hairstyle and features, am I just a substitute for her? Perhaps he just has a type? To me it seemed from their interaction that he still has some kind of crush on her and that their is some kind of spark between them.

On the other hand it seems clear that for the most part they avoid each other and they could have taken up together all those years ago if she had really wanted to. I have no idea when will see her again either.

Am I crazy to feel a bit upset about this?

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 08/02/2025 09:52

I would want to check they aren’t in contact at the moment. This spark to me shows two people hiding in plain sight. I don’t trust it and I would stay quiet for now and do a bit of digging. It’s funny after all these years their behavior at this social event was to pronounced and obvious. Your H did make a pass at his friends gf in the past so he’s got a bit of form for not respecting boundaries.

healthybychristmas · 08/02/2025 09:54

Are you absolutely convinced that they haven't seen each other on their own over this time? I would be really suspicious of this.

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 09:54

LittleGreenHouse · 08/02/2025 09:47

Have you been around them together before? Is this the first time you've noticed this behaviour?

Show quote history

I think the last time I saw them together like that was probably 15 years ago and now I think about it there was a bit of interaction but I'd just had our son at that time and we were only out at that party for a couple of hours before we went home, other than that I don't think they have really been together that much and if they have I haven't been there.

OP posts:

Aradicaloverhaul511 · 08/02/2025 09:56

Really sorry op there's a really inappropriate emoji in my post below which I can't edit out! I'm writing this on a train and it bounced at the wrong moment when my finger was on the keyboard! Please ignore!

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 09:57

@AnonAnonmystery @healthybychristmas I don't think there is anything going on really just perhaps some feelings and maybe a bit of middle aged nostalgia perhaps. She could have had him if she'd really wanted him all those years ago but she didn't want him. Also he was a total mess back then and he isn't so much now, I've done a lot of hard work to help him get to a better place mentally and emotionally.

OP posts:

Newname25 · 08/02/2025 09:59

motleysue · 08/02/2025 09:51

"I'd be raging as the winding each other up sounds like a deep emotional connection, an intimacy through pushing boundaries and joking with each other."

@Newname25 This is exactly how I do feel, its clear there is something there between them even if it isn't any threat now. I think they probably avoid each other as much as possible because the chemistry is so apparent when they are together. Not very enjoyable for me to have to see though.

I can imagine it was a real shock, particularly seeing the chemistry. It sounds like they do avoid each other though so that's good.

How are things with the two of you in general?

Onelifeonly · 08/02/2025 10:01

I think it's very unreasonable that he hasn't told you of his history with this woman before, given she's in your social circle, albeit rarely. But he may have been trying to avoid upsetting you, I suppose.

However, I don't think it that odd that they were interacting in a friendly way at this event. Even if there is still 'chemistry', that may well only relate to the fact they knew each other as friends previously and, in my experience, it's always quite a lively chat when one meets up with people one used to know - it's easy to think of topics to ask about - job, family etc.

I've accidentally bumped into 2 people in the last month that I haven't seen for some years - we had a friendly conversation on both occasions. Both women, and though we were friendly in the past, not actual friends.

I don't think your DH and this woman would be chatting like that in front of their partners and friends if they had something to hide.

As for being the same 'type'. I tended to have a physical type I preferred- my DH fits it and one other ex. My other exes didn't.

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:14

@Aradicaloverhaul511 Ah don't worry about the emoji 😆

Yeah it is kind of the fact that she was right under my nose all this time. I feel like I picked up the pieces of him after his parents divorce and his heartbreak and helped him put himself back together and gave him a life to work and invest in. There actually was a longish period where this woman and her DH were out of the country in the States for his works so he definitely wasn't seeing her in that time frame.

Yeah it is strange that they do have that connection even after not really seeing each other all that time, on one hand to me that does seem to suggest a deep bond of some kind, how she knew just how to push his buttons other posters has said its not so strange to have a rapport with people you used to be close to. Both my DH and I have had relationships prior to meeting, I even had a child with another man before I met him and at least in this instance nothing actually ever happened between them, it was never acted on if their were feelings.

I did ask him how he felt about her and he said he felt a bit embarrassed about the past and that he'd made a fool of himself over her and also that he was fond of her. However he's hardly going to tell me he'd still madly in love with her is he?

Our relationship at the moment is fine, it hasn't always been but we do love each other. Perhaps it isn't such a bad thing to as you say notice that our husbands are actually still attractive and that they may find others attractive and be attractive to other women themselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:19

@Newname25 I think they aren't often in the same room so that is reassuring but yes it was really unsettling to see their chemistry, no wonder they avoid each other if they can't hide it.

Things at the moment are good between us, they haven't always been, DH is a good man but highly strung and can be difficult to live with sometimes, we have been on the verge of splitting up in the past.

OP posts:

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:20

@Onelifeonly Thank you I appreciate this more measured take, its very easy to let my imagination start running away from me here but its very likely not anything to worry about even if I am upset about certain details.

OP posts:

JJZ · 08/02/2025 10:21

MsDogLady · 08/02/2025 08:35

… and I just notice the rapport that DH has with this woman, he seems very focused on her and spends much of the night trying to get a rise out of her and she him, very successfully as well on her part. I realized very quickly, these two really know each other and there is something between them…

… he had a large romantic disappointment because he’d been in love with someone who was unavailable. He made it sound like it was someone he didn’t know anymore but she’s been right there all along.

To me it seemed from their interaction that he still has some kind of crush on her and that there is some kind of spark between them.

@motleysue, I would feel extremely unsettled over this. Your H has been making a fool of you. He and this woman were laser-focused on each other and engaged in mutual flirting during the whole evening. The connection and chemistry between them was palpable and evident to you (and likely to anyone who was near them). And he behaved this way right in front of confused and clueless you (as is her H, I assume). When you questioned H later, he was not honest initially, and you had to push him to come clean about their history, which was likely only a partial-truth. I would bet that you don’t yet have the full story.

He’s been gaslighting you from the beginning by lying by omission and keeping you in the dark. During all these years, he made you believe that the ‘someone’ was completely out of the picture, when she was actually right under your nose. Even now he is claiming that his feelings for her were never reciprocated, but you clearly witnessed their mutual spark. I would assume that they interact with the same charged dynamic when H visits their home several times a year, and they may indeed be alone at times there. Could they possibly be messaging?

@motleysue, you saw them in an intimate, flirtatious bubble and you were the outsider. Did you confront him about their blatant flirting? How did he respond? Frankly, between that and his long-term dishonesty in hiding her identity, I would be rapidly losing trust and respect for him.

Wow.

Talk about stirring the pot. Why on earth are you using such inflammatory language about a scenario and history when you have not even been there for either? Why are you upsetting the OP by exaggerating the situation and making up details?

Lamelie · 08/02/2025 10:25

I’d be unsettled but also happy that dh had support before he met me.

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:26

@Lamelie That's a nice way of looking at it I suppose! Not sure I'm quite there yet but I can see that.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2025 10:31

I'd be unsettled too. The whole winding each other up shows a clear level of closeness there because you wouldn't really try and wind up someone who you weren't that close to. Well I wouldn't anyway.

Original poster

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:34

@rainbowstardrops I think there was a time when they were very emotionally close, which is surprising as I didn't know that and unsettling to see it was strong enough still to be there after many years of them hardly seeing each other.

I don't know what I can do though, currently its not likely that anything is going on and we might not even see her again for another however many months or years so perhaps I just need to forget about it?

OP posts:

Aradicaloverhaul511 · 08/02/2025 10:37

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:14

@Aradicaloverhaul511 Ah don't worry about the emoji 😆

Phew re: emoji 😄

Tbh op, looking at it from the outside, that sounds like a pretty honest response from your DH.

It also explains a lot if he felt he made a fool of himself. It makes sense why he didn't want to talk about it in the intervening years. It also makes sense that she was riling him up; she was trying to make him feel at ease and casts her in rather a kind light if that was the case. Maybe it was acute embarrassment you were sensing from your DH at the party; hence his focus on her?

Yep, I would be entirely satisfied with that explanation.

And, as you say, we all bring our past relationships in to future relationships.

If your DH has proved himself to be honest and pretty reliable over the past twenty years, on the strength of that update, I wouldn't give it another thought!

rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2025 10:56

motleysue · 08/02/2025 10:34

I suppose there's not really much you can do apart from just focus on now.
It would still play on my mind though that a situation that he was seemingly incredibly embarrassed about 20 odd years ago, results in both of them feeling comfortable enough now to rib each other. We're all different though!

Mintyt · 08/02/2025 10:58

I would feel unsettled, but let this pass you by, don't overthink it. I'm sure there was and there is nothing other than friendship

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