I love my mum to pieces but she has just really upset me!!

[GoodGollyMissMolly]

My mum is lovely, a great nana, a great mum and is very helpful. I have just spoken to he on the phone to tell her DD is going into a creche for the first time ever today, and she has said is it cosher (sp?) and that they probably wouldn't feed DD or change her nappy. She made it sound like I am leaving DD with crack addicts.

Mum is always doing this, little comments like I don't know what I am doing with DD. You would think DD was her child. Like yesterday we were out window shopping and I saw a really nice yellow summer dress/outfit and said I liked it. She then said no I dont like it and I dont want it on DD. To which I replied well shes not your daughter shes mine and if I want to dress her in it then I will.

I mean FGS, DD is 5.5 mo and I've not hurt her so far. I find myself snapping at my mum when I am with her cos almost everything that comes out of her mouth is critical of me.

I am soooooo with her.

God, why do you love her to bits? She sounds awful, frankly. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but a "great mum" doesn't undermine her daughter by implying she's not capable of looking after her grandchild. She doesn't make little comments which upset her daughter. She doesn't arrogate to herself the right to veto what her granddaughter wears. That's not the behaviour of a good mother, let alone a great one.

Either she's having trouble coming to terms with the more hands-off role of being a grandmother, or there is a much deeper relationship issue here. For your sake, I hope it's the former. Don't blame you being livid, I would be.

Your dd will be fine and happy of course
I'm sure you checked it thoroughly before you decided to choose it for childcare

She does sound somewhat over involved in your decisions. It sounds like she is trying to look out for you but making you feel a bit like a child yourself. Smile and show her how capable and confident you are.

Practise gritting your teeth and saying thank you I have considered that and I have decided to do this.

Does your mum look after your dd for you or is she planning to? If so i'd say 'If you carry on like that she'll be in creche a lot mot=re coz i won't be leaving her with you'

Keep standing your ground and reminding her whos dd she is or you'll have a bigger fight on your hands the longer you leave it!

Sending sympathy. I love my mum to bits too, but I have chosen to see less of her since having my boys than I did before, to retain my sanity. She doesn't mean to interfere, but she loves to give advice - she always has, on any subject, whether it is on where to go on holiday, or on how to get a baby to sleep, or which bus gets to where the quickest. I've never found a tactful way to reply to her, because she doesn't want a discussion. She genuinely believes she is helping by passing on her life wisdom.

Yours may change, but if not there are other mumsnetters like you. Think through and be prepared to defend the big decisions in life, like where your dd sleeps, and how you choose to feed/discipline her. Then decide how many of the smaller decisions you can grit your teeth and/or compromise on. It is wonderful for a child to have a grandparent in their lives. It just needs some managing from you sometimes - just when you are at your busiest, I know!

Best of luck

LOL at "Is it kosher?"

Just as long as it isn't run by the Apprentice candidates.

My Mom is very similar (although not about clothes my DS's wear), I do just tell her to shut up in the end, I'm afraid . t's taken a while but now my Mom knows that my boys are my children and my responsibilty. I am grateful for her advice but whether I take it all is up to me.
You have to stand your ground and redefine the roles, it must be hard for Grandmothers who are used to being Mothers to suddenly take a step back.
Handle it well and Grandparents can be very useful!

LittleBella, she is a great mum, she doesn't mean to be so annoying, I know she doesn't, shes just used to voicing her opinions. I, on the other hand, tend to seeth quietly and inwardly until it gets to a point I can take no more.

Slur, I have been to the creche and it looks great all the kids there looked happy. TBH DD is only goins for a couple of hours while I go to a weaning class and then a home safety class straight after. It is run by the local council/sure start initiative.

Mum has just called me to see if I want her to come and look after DD while I go, and I've told her no. It will do DD good to be with others, not to mention doing ME good as well. She said to me that she she is an old fashioned mum and she wouldn't have put me or my bro in creche this young. I wonder if that had anything to do with us being clingy and upset whenever we were with anyone other than our parents?

Mum has offered to have DD when I go back to work, but I am seriously thinking about it now. I would love to put DD in creche when I go back but I dont know if I can afford it as I am only going back PT. I would have to have look in to it.

My dad says things like this as well - not about kids as I don't have any yet, but when I told him I'd got a new job he straightaway said "Make sure you give [employer] the proper notice", as if I was a teenager leaving my first job and not a thirtysomething woman. Or if I move house, he's quite prone to asking if it's all above board/has central heating/is actually a house and not a wendy house, that kind of thing. It does piss me off but I usually just roll my eyes and say "Yes" in a sarcastic manner, and he gets the message that he's being a bit rubbish. I think it's just a parental reflex to see us as kids despite all evidence to the contrary.

cyteen, that is just what my mum is like. But if I say nothing then she complains I am ignoring her, if I say yes sarcastically then I am sniping at her, if I do as she says I do it wrong according to her. I CANT BLOODY WIN. I'm gonna speak to dh with re to childcare when IK go back as I cant have mum thinking she can have more of a say cos she will be having her 3 days a week.

My mum means well and is overcautious about everything, Im much more chilled and do things differently than her, I've learnt to just not discuss things with her until after and to be confident in my way of doing things. I also think that when my mum spends time with my dd's that she does things her way and I should respect that (within reason!) She is a fab gran and does loads of things with them, which I really appreciate, but there is a fine line between interfering and criticising and giving informed advice IMO! Be confident and dont let your mum bully you x

Thats a good idea sarah to mention stuff after the fact and not discuss it with her.

cyteen - my dad is exactly the same and I'm a lot older than you I just let it wash over me now but I've founder it much harder when it's your parenting skills they're criticising IME.

My mum bites her tongue a lot of the time. I know that because when I tell her I'm changing the way I'm doing X because I've realised that it causes Y to happen, she always says 'oh yes, I've noticed that Y has been happening and have thought you should do X'. Which is annoying but not as annoying as being told it in the first place! I think some parents can't help feeling like their grandchildren are their next set of kids but they still subscribe to very outdated modes of child-rearing.

GGMM - if you can, try and find some other kind of childcare for at least some of the time. 3 days is half the week - it's a long time if you're trying to assert the fact that you're in charge of your DD, not your mum.

Spicemonster, that is what I am doing now, I am currently looking on the jobcentre website to see if I can get evening work in a supermarket or something. Then DH will be here for DD and I will still be here in the day so no need for childcare.

aha! my dm also has the knack of making me feel undermined in my decisions.

i know she only has dd's best interests at heart and i also know she adores dd as much as i do.

i have discovered that i am very relaxed about anything she says as long as i am confident in my own opinion on the subject.

if i have a niggly doubt then it's red rag to a bull!

for example, dd goes to CM 3 days per week. she is happy there but i have niggly doubts due to her getting a bit upset at drop off sometimes. also I know CM is a bit stricter than me which rationally I think is a good thing but emotionally it upsets me that dd is experiencing discipline other than mine.

not big stuff of course, just sharing and being kind/respectful of CM and other mindees etc. also dd is getting very articulate and will tell me something like "i wasn't allowed a biscuit because i was naughty" which upsets me. i then mention it to CM who clarifies that the biscuit was "delayed" until dd calmed down from a paddy or some such!

dd has a barefaced cheek and is capable of telling me "Granma said I could" when grandma is next to her and said no such thing!!!! dd is 2.5yrs and I really didn't think it was possible to be so brazen at this age LOL!

Anyways, to get to the point, I do worry a little about dd in childcare but think I am probably over-reacting. Last week DM did all drop offs as I was away on business. Now she is questioning if dd is really happy with CM. which just taps into my own issues and gets my back up!

arg! i just said "don't even go there with me on this, CM rang you after drop off every day to tell you dd was fine AND she's the happiest, smiley girl when you picked her up so there really is NO PROBLEM"

but of course, I'm also convincing myself LOL......

Gentle reminders and persuasions that it's your dc and your rules without getting DMs offside is an art IMO!

LOL paddlechick, little girls always know how to get what they want. I can see my DD being like that when she is older.

I am desperately trying to find some work closer to home with hours to suit, chance would be a fine thing.

I'm off now anyway to take DD to creche, I know she will be fine, my mum is probably worried sick!!!

lol spicemonster I can imagine it's much more annoying and harder to deal with when they criticise your parenting skillz. Thankfully though my dad doesn't have a leg to stand on in this respect as he was overseas for most of our childhood, so if he sticks his oar in I can just make him feel guilty by saying 'How would you know?'

You may well find things settle down a bit as your DD gets older - 5 months isn't long for you to be getting in to your new parent/grandparent roles. Just be firm but kind, and it's prob worth speaking out about this stuff rather than bottling it up. She will prob think you're making some mistakes (she has her own opinions after all) but she'll (hopefully) get more confident that you are doing thes best for your daughter.

Paddle and I have the same mother (though my mum insists that Paddle isn't my sister, I am unconvinced).

Your mum is in the very early stages of learning how to be a Nana, having spent most of her life being a mother, you are in the early stages of learning to be a mother when you've spent all of your life being a daughter. You will need to put your foot down kindly but firmly on a few occasions for the change in roles to sink in for both of you.

I lived with my mum for the first two months of having DS and in some ways it was fantastic to have her around but in other ways it really undermined my confidence in the early days. We have now reached a kind of equilibrium where we're both pretty content 80% of the time and mum looks after him one day in the week and sees quite a bit of him at weekends (so probably adds up to a couple of days). I would try to keep the childcare in the 1-2 days area if you can possibly affor dit until you're confident that she won;t undermine you.

Paddle, my mother never hesitates to criticise CM at the flimsiest of excuses. I have decided that she hates the idea of him being happy with someone else even more than I do! She hates me being complimentary about her. Have you tried a super-fast handover to minimse tears - worked a treat on DS, took about a week then he settled again.

oh and my mum often "mistakenly" calls herself "Mummy" As she is a bit dippy and often uses the wrong words, I do let her off but just occasionally it winds me up a treat....

Ooh that would annoy me kewcumber! Mine does refer to my DS as 'our' little boy but I let her off that. She does look after him one day a week and some evenings (like tonight when I'm going to a gig!!) so I let it slide.

She buys him stuff sometimes which isn't my taste but I don't hate completely. Except for once when she got him a really horrible top though which says 'I love my mummy' on it loads of times which makes me cringe every time I look at it. I don't let him wear it to nursery - I don't want anyone thinking I bought it

oh I let it go provided she corrects herself immediately. However I am MUCH tougher about her buying thigns for him that I don't like. I am brutal in saying if I don't like it and as a result she does have a pretty good idea of what I like now. I know that sounds a bit ungrateful and precious but if I didn't he would be entirely dressed in clothes that she liked and I didn't - you have to draw the line somewhere.

She also falls into the habit of thinking she has an equal say in things eg "don't give him any chocolate, Mum" "Just this bit" "NO CHOCOLATE!"

lol Kew, imagine your mum and ds and my mum and dd all together

to be fair to your mum tho, there does appear to be some parental confusion in the family regarding who is whose mummy. i seem to recall a cat incident recently......

i think it's a fair comment regarding redefining your roles in relation to having kids. my dm actually used to annoy me by giving me a running commentary of what dd ate when with her (she also does 1 day childcare per week). always stressing that she bakes with half the amount of sugar etc.

after a few comments like "what i can't see doesn't register" and "it's GPs job to spoil her a little bit" etc the dietry comments have thinned out a bit.

they've started keeping things that they buy for her at their place now as she goes for a few days every 5 weeks or so.

here's a classic wind up comment tho DM: "well DGD told me she cried at CM today" me: "hardly a big deal, there's probably a point in every day that dd cries for some reason or other" DM "Not when she's with me she doesn't!!!!"

Oh so the last time I called from the office that wasn't her wailing/demanding/tantrumming in the background then?

OMG Paddlechick - you've just reminded me that my mum is always telling me how my DS doesn't cry when she picks him up from nursery (he always does when I do). I always want to tell her that it's because he doesn't like her as much as he likes me but I worry I'll offend (actually more that she'll stop looking after him )

lol spice, it's a fine line isn't it! i always feel very indebted to my DM for the amount she does for dd.

they have a fabulous relationship tho so i often bite my tongue and let them get on with it.

OK GGMM, sorry if I offended you, having been the victim of toxic parenting myself I'm always acutely aware of it and perhaps see it where it doesn't exist - as others have said, it's much more likely that it's her adjusting to being a grandmother and still seeing you as the little girl who needs telling... you'll just have to disabuse her of that notion.