I love my mum to pieces but she has just really upset me!!

[GoodGollyMissMolly]

My mum is lovely, a great nana, a great mum and is very helpful. I have just spoken to he on the phone to tell her DD is going into a creche for the first time ever today, and she has said is it cosher (sp?) and that they probably wouldn't feed DD or change her nappy. She made it sound like I am leaving DD with crack addicts.

Mum is always doing this, little comments like I don't know what I am doing with DD. You would think DD was her child. Like yesterday we were out window shopping and I saw a really nice yellow summer dress/outfit and said I liked it. She then said no I dont like it and I dont want it on DD. To which I replied well shes not your daughter shes mine and if I want to dress her in it then I will.

I mean FGS, DD is 5.5 mo and I've not hurt her so far. I find myself snapping at my mum when I am with her cos almost everything that comes out of her mouth is critical of me.

I am soooooo with her.

LittleBella, don't worry you have not offended me at all . Some of what you said totally rings true, but I honestly think that my mum doesn't realize how she comes across. I think it is more just how my mum is and I am more aware of it now I have DD.

I know she thinks she is helping when she says these things but I've had 5.5 months of this and today it just came to a head. When she asked if the creche was kosher, I mean FGS it's like I was giving DD to any old stranger on the street the way she went on.

We have spoken since and I have told her how it upset me and she just said that it is not the way she did things with me and my bro. I had to explain that that is all well and good for her but DD is MY DD and DH and I will make the decisions for her. Not her (my mum) or anyone else.
I also told her how much I appreciate how she is with DD and how she helps me (not that I ask, but she offers) and that its good for DD to have someone else in her life who loves her to bits. But basically back off.

DH and I are now looking into how we can do this with mum having DD once a week and the rest of the time in a creche/cm/nursery.

havent read the whole thread but so far i have nodded in agreement to most of it.

My parents are very over bearing loving, and forget that i am a grown women of 32 years. They were going to do child care for me - just one day every two weeks - but after discussion with DH we decided against it. It would give them to much input into my boys life - and they do all the things above

What you are going through is soooooooo common and understandable.

Your mum thinks you are still her little girl and that she needs to give you advice!

I remember my mum saying similar stuff about how often I fed mine, as it went against the "every 4 hrs" regime of the 50s, which she had used with me!

She obviously loves you both, but needs to learn to think before she speaks and count to 10!

Rather than snap at each other, could you find a time when you have a calm chat- and say that you appreciate her concern, but you want to do it your way- and will she please stop and think before she opens her mouth as she finds it very upsetting.

It never ends though...my mum still tut-tutted when she heard my daughter's boyfriend was going to visit her at uni-and asked where hs would "stay".

Just try to keep your sense of humour- but have a chat with er.

i get a daily quote from Scream Free Parenting and funnily enough this is today's:

Quote of the Day: "Never have children, only grandchildren."

? Gore Vidal (1925- )

Hal's Take: This is a funny quote that reflects a common sentiment?it takes being a grandparent to truly enjoy parenting. It?s not just that most grandparents don?t have to do the constant dirty work of raising babies or dealing with teenagers. It?s also that going through the parenting journey long enough to see their own kids having kids carries with it a profound maturing process. Most grandparents are able to provide a more objective, calmer view on the daily grind of doing family life. They have been through so many trials, seen their way through so much anxiety, that they can be an invaluable resource?not just for our kids, but for us parents as well. The trick to accessing that resource is use your current parenting journey as a way to connect with your parents as equal adults. Try not to come across as needy, running to Mom whenever you struggle. Instead, occasionally, and in a calm way, ask her or Dad about the toughest times they had as parents, or some of their favorite memories. You may be amazed at their responses, and blessed by their perspective.

Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting:
Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool.

GGMM...

Comments like that are actually quite abusive, they will eat away at your confidence...the biggest influence on your life, your mum, thinks you can't cope with a child. That is not good. She needs to stop this NOW or you stop her by giving consquences to her negative behaviour...or you could try...

'when you said about dress I felt really angry with you.'

'when you critise me it makes me feel that you don't think I'm a capable mother, it really knocks my confidence and makes me feel really angry and hurt towards you. I want the comments to stop, or I won't want to be around such negative behaviour'

You don't ahve to put up with this GGMM....

Out of interest what did she say when you said that she's not her daughter she's yours and if you want to put dress on her you will?

Thanks for all of your comments.

I've sat down a talked to mum about this, I told her that I really appreciate her help and advice, but that the way her 'advice' comes across makes me fell that she thinks I am a bad mother and that she thinks I am not a capable mum.
I told her it upsets me and hurts me. I've also said that DH and I are trying to find an alternative way re childcare for when I go back to work.

She was rather upset about it but understood. She said she realized as soon as she asked if the creche was kosher that she was wrong.

Lovedogsandcats, mum said 'well I wouldn't have put you in something like that when you were little'
To which I replied, 'well you are my mum and that would have been your choice, but I am DD's mum and it is my choice what I dress her in'

Hmmmm. Swee the reason I asked what that my mum, who I have not spoken to for a year and don't intend to again, was very controlling. however the difference is, she would not have accepted it like your mum appears to (being told to butt out I mean)

In fact I did tell her to stop trying to undermine me as I am their mum and what I say goes, not what she says. And she stormed off and has ignored me since.

The way I feel about it is complete liberation. I feel well rid of her negativity and control. But she had a nice side too and its a shame she couldn't have been like it all the time.

if your mum will be told, and she will say that she was wrong, all is not lost IMO.

ldac, mum will be told, she may have to be told a few times for it to sink in, but I get there in the end. Before DD arrived I just nodded along with mums 'advice' and took the pieces that I thought were good advice and forgot the crap. But now I cant let it go when she says I should do XYZ instead of what I am actually doing. It's like she is not saying out loud that she thinks I am a bad mum but she is saying it on the sly.

I know she doesn't mean too, I know she doesn't realize how the 'advice' comes across she is not doing it to be malicious it is just how mum is. It is ME that has changed since having DD and I can no longer filter her crap. Do you know what I mean.

It sounds like you feel loads better without your mum in your life. Good for you to be able to stand up to her.

That is what I am hoping for justabout, my mum is ace, she helps me loads (even though I dont ask her) and I really do love her to pieces. But she can be so god damned infuriating. She has her way of doing things and in her mind its the right way. For her maybe but not so for me.

It is my own fault for letting her be like this before, it's only since I have had DD that I cant listen to her anymore.

Thanks GGMM.
I wish it hadn't turned out that way, I wish I could have said my bit and for her to 'take it on the chin' like your mum. I mean I too like to voice my opinions and I am sure when my kids have their own kids, they will not always agree with me. But if they told me to shut up, they are doing it their way, well good for them. I would not cause issues!

Your right justabout, and also I don't want to fall out with my mum. She will come round, eventually. If she wasn't a saggitarius you would think she is a taurean with her stubborness

Exactly ldac, as mums we would have to let them get on with it and just make sure that we are there whenever they need us. So many things will change when our kids have kids, just like when our parents had us to us having kids. It's all so different.

It's a pity your mum took such offence, I hope that you and your mum are able to have some sort of a relationship later on. I bet your mum misses you, but you have to do what is right for your sanity and for your kids.

Aw thanks GGMD

your mum sounds a lot like mine, and we have a good if tempestuous relationship!! She used to really get to me, but over the years I have learnt to basically ignore the bad and only listen to the good. I am now confident enough to tell her to mind her own business, but its taken me till I was 41 with 3 kids!!!

When my first ds was born she expected to be in the delivery room with me, and was most put out when I didnt want her there, then when I came home and didnt want to her to come round immediately she threw another wobbler. At the time these things really upset me but I can look back and think she only wanted to help. My dh did get upset with her though when he heard her refer to herself as mummy when she was feeding the baby Luckily I wasnt there at the time only found out later when I asked why she had gone home!

Oh bugger, I've had the biggest row with my mum this morning and I am NOT feeling guilty.

Monday mornings me and mum take DD for swimming lessons. Mum goes in the pool with her while I have half an hour for a coffee and to read a book.

I get to mums this morning, DD is asleep. She wakes up not long after we arrive there and mum picks her up. She them turns round to me and says "What have you done to her, she's mardy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean WTF, DD is 6mo tomorrow, how the f**k can she be mardy, she doesn't know how to be mardy. The poor little girl had only just woken up.

Well I let rip, Mum went off on one saying that I am always getting at her. I mean what does she expect from me when she is constantly criticizing me.

She said to me that it isn't a good idea her having DD when I go back to work and I agreed with her. I dont think she was expecting me to agree with her. I think she wanted me to back down and say that I needed her to have DD when I go back.

I've just walked all the way home as I had run out of bus fare, so now I am knackered.

I'm towing the line on being angry and crying and feeling depressed by it all.

Why cant my mum just be happy that I am doing a good job at being a mum to DD. Mum seems to want me to fail.

Oh and she also said to DD as we were about to leave, I dont know when I will see you next as I dont think your mum will let me now. I told her not to be so melodramatic.

She sounds majorly melodramatic. TBH I think your DD is better off not being looked after by this woman.