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Original poster

Don't know what to think.......

49 replies

fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 10:48

[D]H had a dinner last night with colleagues from work (or so I thought). I have since discovered that the story he told me about dinner is a lie and he took a female friend out for dinner. Dinner cost over £100 for two of them. Don't know what time he rolled in last night as I'd gone to bed. I'm livid. Not the first time he's lied to me about taking someone out either. Not sure what I'm more pissed off about - the lie or the amount he spent on dinner. We've had one meal out (as a couple) in 6 years. Oh, and don't ask about the intimate side of our relationship 'cos it doesn't seem to happen any more. Doesn't sound too promising when you write it down, does it. We have two lovely children and it breaks my heart to think what might happen. I'm numb at the moment. Don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
mishymoo · 08/05/2008 10:51

I would be livid if my DH did that!

Have you asked him why he lied to you?

stirlingmum · 08/05/2008 10:52

Oh no - you must be so upset

How do you know he lied? Has he now come clean?

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 10:54

OK, I'll probably be flamed for it but I was looking at his mobile phone (text from friend and arrangements detailed)and then subsequently checked his wallet. Receipt for cosy dinner. Crap I know. I wish I was dead.

OP posts:
Niecie · 08/05/2008 10:54

That isn't good, is it fedup. I can totally understand your anger on this.

Does he know that you know the truth? How did you find out?

You have to talk to him. Spending that sort of money on a meal for two sounds to me like he is out to impress which is worrying.

poshwellies · 08/05/2008 10:56

I would be fedup

You need to find out what is going on,echo others questions-why would he lie and why isn't he making more effort with you?

Sit him down and get to the bottom of this-he needs to explain his actions

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 10:57

He doesn't know I know. Last time he took a "friend" out (going back some time), he said he hadn't told me (and he'd taken the afternoon off) as and I quote - you wouldn't have understood.....so that's my fu*king problem then is it?

OP posts:
Bobbiewickham · 08/05/2008 10:58

Poor you.

You need to talk to your husband.

You have every right to be angry that he lied to you.

mumblechum · 08/05/2008 10:58

OK so when you say she's a friend, is she a work colleague who he happens to get on with? If so, then presumably the dinner will be reclaimed on expenses.

Re. your relationship with dh, you say you're not intimate any more - do you mind me asking why, and is it more his reluctance or yours?

I hope you can sort things out.

Niecie · 08/05/2008 10:58

Did you have an innocent reason for looking at his mobile or did you suspect something?

If you had an innocent reason for looking (like finding a number of a mutual fried or something) it would be easier to take the moral high ground but really, if you are so concerned that you were looking for evidence of deceit then he can be as defensive as he likes, he still has some explaining to do.

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 10:59

Sh*t this is so awful. I've got to go out this evening and he is out tomorrow and Saturday all day. I feel really crap at looking at the phone and the wallet. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't understand the need to lie. I'm thinking the worst at the moment.

OP posts:
poshwellies · 08/05/2008 10:59

Understood what? that he needs to take other women out instead of you? What a tosser!

I would tell him that you know fedup,let the shit hit the fan.

mumblechum · 08/05/2008 11:02

You've really got to ask him.

I got all wound up a few years ago as I saw a receipt for some flowers on dh's desk & I hadn't received any.

after imagining all sorts for days I finally asked him and it turned out he'd sent some to one of his staff who'd just had a baby. (I knew, had just forgotten).

CountessDracula · 08/05/2008 11:04

Blimey
that is outrageous

Have you told him you have found out?

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 11:04

She's an old neighbour who lived near my old house. She split up and had an acrimonious divorce from her partner and moved away. I had my suspicions that they've met for lunch a couple of times and kept in touch. She's not kept in touch with me (obviously).

He'd left his phone on the worktop. Something made me look.

She's not a work colleague. I feel like [d]H and I are just existing in the same house. I've given up I guess on the intimate side, it wasn't happening and I thought what's the point. I really miss the closeness but there always seems to be something else to do (and the kids always seem to be more important than our relationship). That really doesn't look good written down.

OP posts:
oiFoiF · 08/05/2008 11:06

jeez you poor woman. He sounds like a rpize wanker tbh. He seems to like his little wife and kids at home but behaves like a single man!

oiFoiF · 08/05/2008 11:07

why did she keep in touch with him and not you?

mumblechum · 08/05/2008 11:07

You need to tell him, I think, that you know.

Remember, though that if he feels cornered, he's pretty likely to lie and then be more careful to cover his tracks, so maybe you should get some more evidence before confronting him.

What do you think you'd do if it turns out he is seeing this other woman?

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 11:11

Not sure really, she doesn't have kids of course.

If he is up to something, I think I would kick him out so I can think alone.

OP posts:
stirlingmum · 08/05/2008 11:13

If, like you say, he has done something like this before, and you had suspicions about this woman, I dont see anything wrong with checking his phone. If he had nothing to hide there would be no problem.
If I had checked my h's phone I would have known about his affair long before it came out - I regret that now, but I had trusted him!
I agree with others that say try to keep this to yourself until you have more info - maybe write down text messages, dates etc and see what else you can find.
My heart goes out to you - This isn't an easy situation x

Niecie · 08/05/2008 11:14

I don't mean to worry you but do you know for sure where he will be on Friday and Saturday? You really do need to talk to him.

I am sure that he isn't happy about your relationship either but things are not going to get better unless all the cards are on the table and there are no more lies lurking in the background.

Original poster
fedupbeyondbelief · 08/05/2008 11:17

Yes, I do know where he is Friday and Saturday.

I will try and summon up the energy to speak to him this evening when I get back home. I've got to go out for a while now. Can't get this out of my head.........and it's such a lovely day too. Crap, crap, crap.

OP posts:
Dior · 08/05/2008 12:54

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 08/05/2008 13:14

The fact that he has hidden it is what would worry me tbh.

weebam · 08/05/2008 13:18

i feel for you,you have to know tho,the not knowing is worse,it could be innocent,i thot the worst when i found out my hubby had visited our neighbour for chats before and after our wedding and he kept it from me. it turned out he knew i would be para and thot it best not to say so lied. wrong,he knows that now,huge mistake and i do still have doubts but chose to believe him. i really hope its innocent but he is still wrong to do it.

beaniesteve · 08/05/2008 14:24

I think you need to talk to him and not pussy foot around. Say you looked at his phone and you saw the receipt and you would like to know why, after the last time when he could clearly see you were upset about being lied to, he has lied to you this time. He has clearly lied because he said it was a work thing when it wasn't.