Don't know what to think.......

[fedupbeyondbelief]

[D]H had a dinner last night with colleagues from work (or so I thought). I have since discovered that the story he told me about dinner is a lie and he took a female friend out for dinner. Dinner cost over £100 for two of them. Don't know what time he rolled in last night as I'd gone to bed. I'm livid. Not the first time he's lied to me about taking someone out either. Not sure what I'm more pissed off about - the lie or the amount he spent on dinner. We've had one meal out (as a couple) in 6 years. Oh, and don't ask about the intimate side of our relationship 'cos it doesn't seem to happen any more. Doesn't sound too promising when you write it down, does it. We have two lovely children and it breaks my heart to think what might happen. I'm numb at the moment. Don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM.

If he says he didn't tell you incase you got paranoid, Fedup (which is a common excuse, and well done for mentioning it, WB), ask why you weren't invited too? You were all neighbours. Why were you left out?

I can imagine your fear. Hope you get through it okay.

even if they were just meeting as friends I would still be pissed off that he spent all that money.

It constantly amazes me how men try and turn around he fact they have behaved badly , and make it their partners fault, totally ignoring the fact they have lied and covered up and behaved badly, in the hope they can make the woman feel bad for the fact that they were pushed to looking at personal stuff like texts, because they knew something was wrong

I would be absolutely livid and very hurt, i dont think i would be able to stay calm and think things through, i would be immediately raging at him

i am so sorry he has behaved like this towards you

So sorry you are going through this - you really do need to talk to him.

When my h was having an affair - i took a different approach.

Before i knew - i did a lot of work on myself, made me the best i could - even got the sex life back. I had my susspicions but just tried to put them to the back of my head.

I then really did start to get worried and asked him outright - of course he lied but it meant he had to do more 'sneaking' around. I carried on being nice - keeping up the guilt for him. Eventually he told me - and we did split up for a while. We are now working it through.

What i am saying is you need to show him how good you are as well as keeping that anger to kick him out if that is what you decide.

I was determined that it would be he that walked - i knew i had done everything i could to save our marriage. It made his decision so very hard - because if you read some of my other posts you will see that i do not believe he thinks he had a bad marriage (we had just drifted a bit). He never wanted it to end but got caught up in the fantasy of the affair.

It is hard to live with but can be done.

It is never acceptable for him to lie about where he is going - affair or not. He does need to learn this.

Good luck

well, I bottled out last night and didn't raise the topic. By the time I got back from my meeting I was too tired and fed up to think about a heavy discussion, and I didn't trust myself to keep under control. Think he knows something is up as he was a bit too touchyfeely and chatty and I just didn't engage. I can't even look him in the eye at the moment. Can't talk tonight as we've got a house guest staying. I'm out with my best friend for tea with the kids so if I'm feeling brave I might talk to her about it. Feel like I'm about to explode. Had a dreadful nights sleep anyway. Am out and about most of the day so hopefully I can push this to the back of my mind. Just shouted at the boys for not getting ready for school. What really gets me us that i've worked so bloody hard to make things work. I had pnd with both pregnancies and was on ad's. Never felt i had much support or sympathy at the time - just get on with it i guess. Also i've lost a load of weight and (personally) think i look pretty good for 40+! Best go as i've got the school run.

I don't blame you for bottling out, Fedup. Nobody wants to poke a wasps nest. I expect you are afraid what his reaction will be, and afraid he might confess something you really don't want to hear. I'm hoping the best for you, though, that he's just done something a bit devious and thoughtless, nothing more.

Fedup I would also now advice to prepare yourself for the worst - it doesnt mean it is.

Before i knew - my h had already been to see a solicitor - and that made me feel so sick, i was totally unprepared and had no idea what i was entitled to.

There is no harm in you knowing how you would stand (i do now and i feel so much better and in control - i am not afraid of divorce anymore - i just dont want it.)

From experience men will look for a reason in their wife for why they want to leave - and it is often because of the way you react blah blah blah.....

Try and keep busy and take some time to really think about what you want now and in the future. You dont know all the answers but it sounds as if he is more than willing to keep you in the dark anyway.

Thinking of you and always happy to chat if you cat me.

Good luck Fedup and try and talk to your best friend.

How are you today, Fedup? Your posts really struck a chord with me. I don't have any advice, but I really hope you're ok.

Well I'm still here and not yet had the opportunity to talk to H about it. I had such a busy day yesterday and eventually met up with my mate for tea. We had a lovely time and I was able to talk to her about it. Shed quite a few tears between us. She's been there before for me (I'm divorced), and was very concerned to think something might be up again. Ended up being VERY late home with the boys, but hey, it's the weekend.
H left early this morning for the day so I have no idea when he is due back. We've been out and about today and the boys have a party to go to later on, so I'll stay with them and have a cuppa/natter with the other mums. Just dreading raising the issue, part of me thinks I dreamt it or it's not happened. I can't let go by tho' as what is a relationship based on if not love, trust and honesty. We've certainly got issues with the last two.

You poor thing, you must be feeling so dreadful. It's worse when you're waiting too. I do hope you're OK.

Sorry to stick my oar in, but why do you have to tell him you looked at his phone/ wallet?? If he took this woman out to dinner, he could have been seen by anyone! I caught my partner out in a lie once by snooping in his phone book , but I refused to reveal my sources (who told me is not the issue here!), and he fessed all, thinking I had been talking to someone! A guilty conscience will out itself if you refuse to budge, and act calm (even though you may not be calm inside!) I sprung the fact that I knew his secret on him very casually, and out of nowhere- caught him on the back foot, as it were! You are not the one sneaking around and being dishonest, so take the moral high ground, whether you were snooping or not!

I'm going to give him the opportunity to tell me where he was on Wednesday evening. I'm not going to tell him how I know, that's not the issue here (although I feel really crap about it). It's the lie that is doing my head in, followed up closely by the amount spend and on whom. I'll see what happens when we're home this evening before I broach the subject. The longer I leave it the worse it becomes......

I do know what you mean- it's a horrible sick-making feeling when you know you are being lied to. My dh used to have a bad habit of telling me little white lies, and it enraged me, like he thought I was so stupid that he could get one over on me so easily! He now jokes that he lives with Insp. Clueso, and seems to have realised that he will always get caught out and it just isn't worth it! I know it is really hard, but try to stay calm and in control when you bring it up, otherwise he will no doubt fly into man-defensive mode and tell you he can't talk to you when you are like this, or some such similar crap to take the heat off himself! Think about the answers you need before you go in- if the biggest question is "Why did you feel the need to lie to me?" make sure he answers it. If he says because he knew you would react badly, ask him why he thinks you would, ask him what he thinks would be a reasonable reaction to him taking another woman out for an expensive meal and neglecting to tell his wife! He didn't tell you because he knows he is in the wrong, whether the dinner was innocent or not.

I really hope it goes well for you, and that he realises what an idiot he is being. Good luck!

Well, I had the conversation. Bit of a disaster. Total denial (as expected). I didn't reveal my source, so he got really annoyed and we ended up having a discussion about my shortcomings. How he feels unloved, how I am either too tired or too grumpy. That's why we've not been intimate for so long. To be honest, it's laughable really. I just kept thinking while this was going on "You lied to me, you are a liar". I'm stuck now, I didn't resolve anything for me. I suggested that we need counselling as I obviously have trust issues. That didn't go down well either. Anyway, I didn't lose it, and he's now thnking that everything is back to normal (ie he's got away with it). Still I'll be checking the credit card statement when it arrives. Incidentally, I did have a quick look in his work book and there on his To Do List was Dinner with listed, so I know he is lying to me.
I'll catch him out at some point as I can't stand lying. Did managed to get some support from my friend last week.
Still feel very lost and alone but I have my lovely DC, who are keeping my very much grounded.

So he still denys he went to dinner with her?

Yep. I asked him to tell me where he was on the night the he went out for dinner. He said at a restaurant. I asked him who with. He said with people from work. I then said that I didn't believe him and I thought that he was somewhere else with another person. He said that he was out with work people. I don't believe a word of it.

Just bite the bullet and tell him that you saw it in his diary and read it on his phone. You are not in the wrong here. He can't deny it then and if he gets angry, that's his problem. Did you point out his shortcomings? He sounds like a prize prick tbh and you should not feel bad about feeling the way you do. It's nothing to do with YOUR trust issues. He is the one breaking the trust right now and then lying to you. Don't let him fob you off like that. This is not your fault.

You're right. I know he was deflecting the issue on to me. I'm thinking about what to do next. I'm angry that he doesn't respect me or my feelings and thinks I'm a complete idiot. I notice that all his sent messages are now conveniently deleted, and I'm sure his inbox is conveniently edited too.

There's a big difference between saying 'I don't believe you' and 'I know you weren't there with the people you say you were with'.

I think you need to say 'I know tou were there with (name of woman) and I am upset that you spent that much money on a meal with her and then lied about it to me even when I gave you the chance to be honest. Now that I know you are deliberately lying to me I'd like you to explain why without making this my fault or problem'

or something.

Sorry he's being such an arse.

Thanks Beaniesteve, that's really helpful. I will do this. Oops, better go off on the school run - trust me to take my eye of the clock!

I now have c/card statement which arrived today - it's on there.....

I suppose that as you know that he is lying to you and are pretty sure that he is up to no good you need to decide what you want to happen next and go from there. He doesn't sound as if he is going to tell you what is is going on and it's awful for you that he is lying to you and you know it. You sound so nice he must be a tosser!

Could you ring her and ask her outright what is going on?

Then text him and tell him you have spoken to his "work friends" about the dinner?

You will have to know what to do with the fallout though.