Borderline Personality Disorder in men?

[NearlySoon]

NC. I know that nobody can diagnose someone online. But I’m just posting here to ask if this sounds familiar to anyone? The confusion has been difficult to understand. I do love him (together on-off for 8 years). and I don’t think he means to hurt people but I also don’t think he’s ever going to seek help because it’s too painful for him. I think he may have childhood trauma due to not having any memories prior to 6 years old. This is long, sorry.

We also have a child together. At the moment we’re together but we don’t live together because he’s not able to live with me as he will suddenly wake up, say he can’t cope and take off. Which isn’t good for our child. She spends weekends with him and seems to get the best of him. He seems to be able to give her a happy time (because it’s never more than 24 hours).

Stuff I have noticed with me and behaviour in regards to work & in general

He says that sometimes he feels really close to me and really loves me and at other times he feels we’re wrong for each other and he doesn’t love me. He changes his mind a lot.

He never shouts at me but can quickly get angry and blame me for things that are completely outside of my control.

He is very, very disagreeable generally with me and others. If I disagree with him about an issue, he takes it very personally and thinks I’m attacking him.

If I ever tell him that he’s hurt my feelings, he turns on me and says very cruel, unkind things. We can’t have a conversation without him saying that I’m attacking him, when I’m trying to resolve conflict or tell him how I feel. Later, he says he didn’t mean any of it.

He blames other people for things that are nobody’s fault and finds it difficult to take responsibility for hurting people.

Will say that we need to break up, but be back on my doorstep hours later.

He will start a new job, say he’s really enjoying it and then suddenly he wants to leave. He was working at a place where he was supposedly happy. Then, he found out that another guy at the company was getting paid more than him for doing the same job. They refused to pay him more so he found another job which paid more. Within about 6 weeks he was regretting leaving the first job and spent about a year, trying to go back to the original company. He’s had about 10 jobs since Covid. He is a high earner and performs well but will get cold feet quickly.

He’s got some irrational beliefs such as, the government is trying to kill us off and also is quite paranoid to the extent that he doesn’t want to use loyalty cards because he thinks retailers are spying on him. He has a tendency to be drawn to conspiracy theories. He never ever uses his phone unless it’s on speaker phone because he thinks if he puts the phone to his ear, he’ll get cancer. This means that other people in his family often hear all his private conversations which has caused quite a few problems.

He has lots of faddy interests and changes in personality. At one point he thought that sex should only ever have a connection with one person then suddenly one day he wants to try swinging. Then he changes his mind again.

Some of his fads include obsessions with reiki, self-help books, AI, gyming on/off, diets on/off. Taking too many vitamins. Drinking too much alcohol. He can become obsessed about almost any new thing he discovers.

He takes unnecessary risks like paying for a car by bank transfer that he’s never seen in person before, then driving 200 miles to get it, not knowing if it’s a scam or not because it’s from a private seller.

A lot of his ideas make no sense. For example, if he goes into a room and hears someone coughing or sneezing he will immediately say he’s got a sore throat and when I point out that this is impossible, he says his body works differently to everyone else’s.

He doesn’t have many friends and the few he does have say that he does things to excess.

Just wondering if any of this stuff sounds like BPD. He’s never happy and it’s such a shame. It’s also difficult for me to cope with and is a head f*

my god, you must be exhausted . This is exhausting reading this and I couldn’t live or be in a relationship with this person. I wouldn’t trust him with my child either, sounds irrational and unpredictable. Maybe someone else can help figure it out.

I honestly don’t know but you deserve better.

He sounds like my ex who I love dearly but could never be with. For him, it was a response to severe trauma as a child. You could slap a label of BPD on his behaviour if you wanted to but that wouldn't really have made a difference until he addressed the abuse he went through as a child.

What would be the purpose of a diagnosis? Are you desperate to find an excuse for his behaviour?

He's completely unsuitable to be a parent because he's immature, erratic, moody and has a bad temper.

I'm not sure why you want to be with him considering the way he treats you and the effect on your mental health. He's not going to change.

Op the diagnosis isn’t really what matters here.

You and your baby really don’t need this in your life. You need someone safe, reliable, kind, predictable, confident, calm, resilient, and mentally healthy enough to have enough headspace to be able to think of others and support their wife and child.

What do you get out of a relationship with someone disagreeable, unreliable, paranoid, and unable to take responsibility for himself?

You should not be feeling constantly confused in a loving relationship. And sorry but this does not sound like love to me when you can’t discuss your issues with him and is on-off with you. And he is unwilling to seek help. Love alone is not enough. And anyway love is a verb.

I think by writing this post you know what you have to do 💐. He’s had eight years to seek help. He’s not willing to change. And you know that while your dd is young it’s more manageable. As soon as she grows up and starts noticing more and challenging him; their relationship will be become much more problematic.

Also, all the time you are with this man, it is blocking the time when you could be with a man who is a better role model for your child. It’s very important that girls (and boys) have good examples of kind, stable men in their lives.

Why is this relationship enough for you op? Why do you think you do not deserve much more? 💐💐💐

PS I am really sorry to ask this op because you know him best, but how do you know that your dd “gets the best of him” at weekends?

Don’t get me wrong; it’s really great if he is able to be a good father to her.

But to me, given his issues, it seems strange that his behaviour is so erratic and unreasonable during the week, and then he is able to control himself at weekends? It doesn’t make sense! Unless perhaps he is neurodiverse and he can only tolerate a limited period of time of solo parenting?

Tbh though, from your description of him; he doesn’t sound like the sort of person I would like to leave a child with.

How can you be sure that your dd is safe with him? Or is it more that his behaviour makes it difficult for you to confront him over weekend access?

Might you want to speak to social services about this? Especially if your dh does have a diagnosable mh condition or personality disorder?

Some of the core things here are similar to my son who doesn't have a diagnosis but it's been suggested he may well have Borderline PD. He also has ADHD. He had childhood trauma (witnessed domestic abuse as a baby, several house moves, an RTA). Tried to get him help as a kid but he shut down. As an adult there was also heavy drinking and drug taking to cope. And anger outbursts followed by remorse. He also takes things very personally and very small things stress him out a lot.

But there is hope.
It took him 10 years of adult life until he admitted he had a problem. Is now rebuilding his life, taking antidepressants, focussing on physical health, and engaging with therapy. Also joining the cause-effect dots as to what affects his emotions, and learning to check what people mean before assuming they are against him.

I can't imagine him being ready for a relationship anytime soon, and certainly not a child, but he is improving and learning how to regulate himself.

Someone has to be ready to help themselves though, and they need a calm stable environment while they work through it all.

Very possible.

Sounds like he also has adhd (The jumping from one hobby to the next).

Risk taking is a factor is sociopathy. Or could be bipolar (1 in 5 bipolar people also have bpd). Maybe the hobbies are whilst he is manic.

Either way, this isn't a relationship your kid should learn by example from. I'd split up and focus on your kid.

Some elements sound like BPD, but it sounds like there are other issues too.
I would also query how good he is with your daughter. Even if you’re sure he is good now, I would watch closely as she grows up. You do not say how old she is at the moment but as she starts to get more ideas about right and wrong and starts to be able to discuss more grown-up issues he might not like it at all. He might start to treat her more how he treats you.

Well our daughter always comes back from his house happy and she always looks forward to going. She's 5. It's very easy for people to say that I shouldn't let him have her, or that I should be concerned (I am, of course).

But the reality is that courts take a very dim view of mothers who stop a child having contact with her father, unless the child is at risk of physical harm, which, imo she is not. If I stopped contact, it would upset our daughter and undoubtedly, he'd go to court and would almost certainly be granted access. I'd have created huge disruption and upset which wasn't worth it and isn't in the best interests of our child.

I don't think a lot of people realise that family court has a very low bar for what is a good enough father to have overnight contact.

I certainly do keep a close eye on how she seems to be feeling though.

@NearlySoon

You're not making sense. You think your child's father has a personality disorder because he takes off without notice, quickly gets angry, is emotionally unstable, is very disagreeable and says cruel things, is fickle and can't take responsibility.

However, when he's with your daughter he's a changed man. So he can turn his personality disorder on and off like a switch. I'm assuming he doesn't work because he's compelled to just take off and must be difficult to work with given his traits.

What @username299 Said. He can't possibly be this erratic, unstable man during the week and then a calm capable father on the weekend .

You daughter might not realise it yet as she's still so small. As she grows she's going to start realising how bizarre her dad is.

Either way you need to stop wasting your time in a relationship with this man. It's going nowhere and he doesn't want help. It will get worse as he gets older. It always does.

I’m sorry op. I don’t mean for my post to come across as blaming you in any way at all or to come across as disrespectful. I realise that the reality of the situation is far from easy. I was just worried for your dd given your description of your dh. Physical safety is obviously crucial but so is trust and consistency for a small child.

I also understand the difficulty when someone falls in the gap between “functioning adult” and “diagnosed with serious mental health condition” . I do think that the court would take an interest if he clearly fell in to the latter category,

I can see that the places you in an impossible position when he won’t acknowledge his own behaviour or seek help. But there may be a time when you have to step in and put in a firm stop where overnight contact is concerned.

So it might be worth seeking out more information about the procedure, having a chat with social services to voice that concern, so that something is on record should the occasion arise?

@Satnavbakes641 no, it's ok - I completely understand where you're coming from. He did not cope well with the Covid lockdowns and during the time around 2021 got involved with all the conspiracies. At that time, I did not allow our daughter to stay with him over night. He was completely irrational.

He definitely is functioning as he can hold down a busy job which requires him to travel abroad at times.

However, he has an adult dd who has cut him off so as our child gets older there could be problems as people say.

Op I don’t wish to add to your stress, I’m sure you are a protective mother, but from a reader’s perspective your posts are a bit confusing because your dp does hold down a busy job but at the same time you say he has had about ten jobs since Covid! That doesn’t seem consistent with a high earning career?

Please forgive me if I come across as too forward. But I am nearly at retirement age and my dds have left home to study and I am coming at this from the perspective that childhood goes by extremely fast. As do your best years in your twenties, thirties and forties.

You need to think long and hard about your future and whether you want you and your dd to spend the next decades trying to support and work around your dp’s erratic behaviour? And accommodate his disagreeable moods? And his inconsistent love?

Why is it worth it to you? You can’t change him or save him however much you want to. He has to want to seek treatment himself. Do you genuinely think he is going to behave differently with your dd than he did with his older dd? You can support him but at what cost to your dd and yourself? You do need to advocate for your dd in this situation.

I had a colleague years ago whose wife unfortunately was an alcoholic. He loved her dearly but he had to make the painful decision to move out with his children when the drinking got too bad and his wife was putting alcohol above her family. He said he might have stayed had it not been for the dc and their need for stability.

Good luck with your decision! Please be aware that doing nothing and maintaining the status quo and remaining in a state of indecision … is also a decision! 😃

Best of luck, 💐

It’s not her relationship with her dad you need to stop. It’s yours.

It’s pointless wasting years with him.

One last thought. I think it’s possible to be in love with the idea of someone as you wish them to be, rather than the reality of who they are ifyswim. But it doesn’t lead to contentment.

Sounds a bit like adhd. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a very real and damaging part of adhd for many people. The sudden new interests which are short lived, job hopping and emotional instability are also symptoms of adhd. Could also be bpd, or something else. We can’t diagnose. But unless he is seeking a diagnosis and wishes to address his harmful behaviour, all this is irrelevant. I struggle with rsd a lot but I am in therapy and have coping mechanisms in place to minimise the harm I cause. It’s up to you to decide whether you can tolerate it.

Op I don’t wish to add to your stress, I’m sure you are a protective mother, but from a reader’s perspective your posts are a bit confusing because your dp does hold down a busy job but at the same time you say he has had about ten jobs since Covid! That doesn’t seem consistent with a high earning career?

I don't understand how either but maybe it's the field he works in as I have checked up on him on LinkedIn and he does have the job that he says. 🤷🏻‍♀️ he leaves jobs on a whim but will usually make sure he has another one lined up first.

If you knew him you'd also understand that involving social services is likely to tip him over the edge. He is totally paranoid about government involvement in our lives.

People assume that mothers are always listened to by FC but that isn't true any more, I'm afraid. Theresa May has seen to this.

My father was a possible candidate for BPD. He was - I believe - an affectionate parent when I was very small, but couldn't cope at all when I got older. He was inconsistent, violent, scary - not able to put his needs aside and think about what was best for a child. My life would have been a lot easier if my mother, who did love him but was also abused by him, had opted for divorce and only allowed him very limited, supervised contact with me.

I can well believe that about FC. The whole system is under-resourced. 😢

Fair enough about the job!

None of us can know for sure whether his paranoia is a symptom of a broader mh condition or pd or not? Or whether it will increase?

But looking at things objectively, if it causes him to tip over the edge when provoked, then I’m sorry but I think that might be more of a reason to involve SS, not less. But it’s your decision.

He sounds just like my partner who has ADHD and BPD. Thankfully my partner accepted he had problems and got help, and he's now nothing like this

How did he come to the realisation he needed help? It's good that he's been able to recover - BPD is easier to treat than other cluster B disorders isn't it.

My dp is 55 so I think he's probably quite set in his ways now.

Hi OP,

I’m a specialist PD nurse,

As you say, no one can diagnose anyone over the internet, though a lot of these traits sound more aligned with neurodiversity to me.

Look after yourself OP

That could make sense because I'm
ND myself. I often say to him that he must be ND in some way because on our first date we spent about 7 hours together because we just clicked. NT people don't always know how to make a conversation flow with me. However, I am am quite a stable person - I don't go crashing from highs to lows like he does. I also don't keep changing my mind about how I feel.,

His response to the idea he could be ND is always 'No, I'm normal, I'm normal, I'm normal' he has a lot of internalised ableism due to seeing his dad face discrimination for his own disabilities when he was growing up.