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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner keeps dumping me, I need to stay strong this time

48 replies

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:41

DP and I have been together for a year. He’s a neighbour. I had just left a long term EA relationship when he wooed me. I did tell him I wasn’t looking for a relationship but we became friends and things went from there.

I let my hair down over the summer, drinking and partying at home with new found friends and he was fine with it. Slowly he started putting rules in place aboit drinking and who I could and couldn’t have round and if I did something to upset him
he’d finish with me or go silent on me for days.

This was extremely hurtful. He spoke two days ago about moving in together and then yesterday dumped me again because I’d got upset with him for saying he wasn’t going to stay at my house the one night my DC are with their father. Yes he had his reasons and I didn’t cause a row but it did upset me.

He’s from a particularly misogynistic country and I feel he is trying to make me behave a certain way. It’s now become that he doesn’t want me to drink at all.

I really need to not fall back into it this time but I feel so vulnerable and confused in the relationship.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 05/02/2025 17:45

Why would you want to stay in this relationship? It sounds miserable and he sounds horrible. I don't see what it is you are going back for.

GoldMoon · 05/02/2025 17:45

Walk away , not worth the aggro . You don't want a lifetime of this .

Original poster
The101 · 05/02/2025 17:46

When things are good they’re really good, he’s so caring and kind and then the minute I do something to upset him this happens. It like Jekyl and Hyde

OP posts:
Original poster
The101 · 05/02/2025 17:49

And upset him can be having one coffee with Baileys with my best friend when I said I wouldn’t drink (didn’t think this would be a big deal).
Having male friends round. Calling a fellow male neighbour to help as the car wouldn’t start and he was at work.

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 05/02/2025 17:49

This is not a good man to be and stay with. You should dump him. There is nothing else to add really.

username299 · 05/02/2025 17:51

It's very common to go from one abusive relationship to another, especially if you've come from a difficult background.

He's abusive and you need to break up with him. He's trying to train you not to challenge him. He's doing that by ignoring you and dumping you when you don't do what he says.

I recommend the Freedom Programme and therapy to help you process the abuse and rebuild your self esteem.

getthosetitsup · 05/02/2025 17:51

If you don't take him back then there is no relationship for him to keep dumping you from.

You say when it is good it is very good. Does that good really make the bad worth it? He really doesn't sound like much of a prize.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 05/02/2025 17:52

Love bombing, controlling, abusive, isolating you, manipulating you, get away from this man as soon as you can and never go back

livelovelough24 · 05/02/2025 17:52

You basically have a stranger telling you how to live your life OP. And this is right after you ended an abusive relationship. The question is WHY? Why do you need another asshole in your life, to control you, to command you?

If I were you, I would stay put, stay single for a while, until you figure out what you want and do not want in a relationship. Otherwise, you are going to end up hurt again.

DatingDinosaur · 05/02/2025 17:54

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:46

When things are good they’re really good, he’s so caring and kind and then the minute I do something to upset him this happens. It like Jekyl and Hyde

Yes, he's training you to behave a certain way that suits him.

OliveThe0therReindeer · 05/02/2025 17:55

You’ve gone from one type to abusive relationship to another, different type.

Please get out now. Hes not a good guy who is sosmetimes a bit angry and unreasonable. He’s a controlling abuser who sometimes pretends to be just nice enough to stop you leaving .

Uricon2 · 05/02/2025 17:55

livelovelough24 · 05/02/2025 17:52

You basically have a stranger telling you how to live your life OP. And this is right after you ended an abusive relationship. The question is WHY? Why do you need another asshole in your life, to control you, to command you?

If I were you, I would stay put, stay single for a while, until you figure out what you want and do not want in a relationship. Otherwise, you are going to end up hurt again.

This.

Honestly OP, this will not get better. He's trying to pull you into line (his line) with the dumping. Don't let him, stay dumped and take some time to think about what is important to YOU in a relationship. I don't think you'll come up with "being controlled".

Original poster
The101 · 05/02/2025 17:58

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I really want to stay strong this time and not go crying to him for another chance. God, can’t believe I just wrote that…

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 05/02/2025 18:01

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:58

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I really want to stay strong this time and not go crying to him for another chance. God, can’t believe I just wrote that…

You do WHAT now????? go crying to him for another chance?

Believe you just wrote it. Keep reading that you wrote it and cringe every time you read it.

That, right there, is telling you everything you need to know, about him, about yourself.

livelovelough24 · 05/02/2025 18:04

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:58

Thank you all for the supportive replies. I really want to stay strong this time and not go crying to him for another chance. God, can’t believe I just wrote that…

Why OP?! Why do you so desperately need a boyfriend that you would take just about anybody!!

TwistedWonder · 05/02/2025 18:07

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:46

When things are good they’re really good, he’s so caring and kind and then the minute I do something to upset him this happens. It like Jekyl and Hyde

Every women on MN who posts about being in a controlling abusive relationship uses the same words ‘when it’s good it’s so good’ and the guy is always sweet, caring, kinds - it’s an absolute script

Do not go running to this controlling misogynistic twat and lay down like a doormat begging him to wipe his feet on you. Find your self respect and close the door on him for good.

And go out drinking with your mates whenever you want - fuck him

nightmarepickle2025 · 05/02/2025 18:13

Sounds like you need to do the Freedom Programme

melissasummerfield · 05/02/2025 18:14

Look up the freedom program OP. You do not need to live like this.

unsync · 05/02/2025 18:14

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:46

When things are good they’re really good, he’s so caring and kind and then the minute I do something to upset him this happens. It like Jekyl and Hyde

It's not Jekyll and Hyde, it's the behaviour of a controlling, coercive man.

Read your post back. If you do what he wants, everything is fine. If you don't do what he wants, he punishes you. You are in another relationship with an abuser. It is very common to go from one abusive relationship to another. These types of men see your vulnerability and use it (and you) to get what they want.

You need to end it. Stay single and do the Freedom Programme. Learn how to establish boundaries and what constitutes acceptable behaviour in a healthy relationship. Heal from the trauma, learn who you are as a person and learn to love yourself. Only then should you think about whether or not you want another relationship.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 05/02/2025 18:15

He probably seems a lot better/nicer than the last man you were in a relationship in.

He's still no good.

Keep away from him and have no contact and in a few weeks you will feel better and calmer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2025 18:17

Indeed you have gone from one abusive relationship into another, a not uncommon scenario unfortunately. This man targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you.

You have forgotten that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He is not your jailer but he’s becoming your jailer rapidly. He wants to put you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Be on your own and do not date until your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are higher than the subterranean level they are currently at. Use Womens aid and enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme. Do also read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 05/02/2025 18:18

Also, I've had British and non British exes who have behaved like this.

It's nothing to do with culture, nationality or religion. If it wasn't drinking, he would find something else to criticise.

sunscomingout · 05/02/2025 18:18

Hi op, I've just been dumped by text after 3 years by a man who sounds similar to yours because he didn't like something I was doing and I refused to meet his demands. This is a regular occurrence dumping me to punish me then me trying to smooth things over/comply. This time I haven't - I didn't even acknowledge his dumping text. He could also be really kind and caring. But overall he was abusive and I deserve better and so do you! It will hurt but you need to take back control and get him out of your life and spend some time on yourself. You deserve so much better treatment and he's unlikely to change. Huge hugs x

Hollietree · 05/02/2025 18:20

The101 · 05/02/2025 17:46

When things are good they’re really good, he’s so caring and kind and then the minute I do something to upset him this happens. It like Jekyl and Hyde

Is that enough for you? For the rest of your life?

90% of the time things are great

10% of the time he is a misogynistic, controlling, abusive, sulking arsehole.

I am telling you with certainty that this is what you are signing up to. He will not change or get better. If anything, with time the 10% arsehole behaviour will slowly increase as he thinks he has his claws into you. One day it will get over 50% but he will have more control over you and it will be much harder to get away.

No man is 100% great (same as us women). But he sounds dreadful.

TillyTrifle · 05/02/2025 18:23

Not trying to be unkind here but a bit of tough love: you’re a mother. Your children look to you as an example of what to accept in relationships. It’s time to grow up and be single, sort yourself and your self esteem out and leave this nonsense behind. You’re not a teenager, you’re an adult woman with your own agency. Even how you talk of the start of your relationship sounds as if you think you had no control over it. You told him you weren’t looking for a relationship but whoops, you just found yourself in one…whatcha gonna do?

Stay well away from this loser and try and access some therapy, do some reading and try and work out why you’re chasing this treatment.