Partner keeps dumping me, I need to stay strong this time

[The101]

DP and I have been together for a year. He’s a neighbour. I had just left a long term EA relationship when he wooed me. I did tell him I wasn’t looking for a relationship but we became friends and things went from there.

I let my hair down over the summer, drinking and partying at home with new found friends and he was fine with it. Slowly he started putting rules in place aboit drinking and who I could and couldn’t have round and if I did something to upset him
he’d finish with me or go silent on me for days.

This was extremely hurtful. He spoke two days ago about moving in together and then yesterday dumped me again because I’d got upset with him for saying he wasn’t going to stay at my house the one night my DC are with their father. Yes he had his reasons and I didn’t cause a row but it did upset me.

He’s from a particularly misogynistic country and I feel he is trying to make me behave a certain way. It’s now become that he doesn’t want me to drink at all.

I really need to not fall back into it this time but I feel so vulnerable and confused in the relationship.

If he's only nice and kind when you are the person he wants you to be, then he's not nice and kind

You have children.

Do you really want them around a man like this?

You're a big girl now Op, you don't need a parent figure to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I know it's awkward when he lives nearby but he's out of order telling you how to live your life and it's time he was history. @TillyTrifle is right, your DC look to you to see how to manage relationships, show them a good example by ditching him

This is a text book controlling and coercive behaviour. The dumping is his way to manipulate you in to sticking to his rules, it’s designed to get you to not challenge him, out of fear of being dumped. If he hasn’t already he will be isolating you next. Add in a healthy dose of pissing all over your self esteem and he’s made you a great candidate to be a victim of domestic abuse. You’re also already more likely to be a victim of abuse if your past relationships have featured abuse. Your job now is to block him and to sign up for the online freedom course asap.

Do not let a man control you. This is early days and it will get worse. He’s dumping you to control you. A decent person does not do this.

You deserve better. Dump.

“He’s from a particularly misogynistic country”

And he’s trying to control you, OP. If he’s like this when you’re just partners, I dread to think what demands he might think it OK to impose if ever you married him. Walk away now and don’t look back.

I can't believe you just wrote that either.

You need to finish it with him, stay strong.

He's not you partner - he's the bloke next door who try's to tell you what to do. Do not get in a relationship with this man. Enjoy your freedom, your friends and the ability to do exactly what you want without this idiot trying to rule the roost

Dump this loser and enjoy being single for a good long time.

What is it with women allowing themselves to be treated like shit today? Decades of fighting for some sort of equality by women, yet some still put up with shit numerous times before asking if it's ok. Then more often than not, they don't want the advice offered.

He is abusive. This is what abusers do. This is textbook abuse. Get some counselling and stay single until youve worked on your boundaries and what a healthy relationship looks like.

this is a list of how abusers isolate their victims. How they start, how they end. www.ncdv.org.uk/isolation-tactics-how-victims-of-domestic-abuse-fall-into-the-trap/

Totally. I’ve only been on here for a few months but the thread after thread from women being treating like absolute shit just to have a man in their bed is horrifying.

And what’s worse is most of them are exposing their kids to these abusive wankers showing them that it’s acceptable for men to treat women like worthless scum and then they’ll just roll over and beg for more because ‘I love him, he’s so sweet (when he’s not being an absolute cunt)’

Honestly being single is far far better than being treated like shit by an abusive controlling arsehole.

He's using silence/breaking up with you as a form of punishment. All of it is intended to "train" you so that you stop the behaviours that he doesn't like. Run like the wind!

Could not agree more.
It's both sad and anger-inducing.

So many women seem to prioritise cock over kids.

And most of these kids already been living in one abusive household and they get dragged to the next one with barely enough time to breathe inbetween.

Adults have a choice - kids don’t

Keep this thread and reread it if you ever feel tempted to go back to him.

You don't need to be with a man like that controlling you, go have a glass of wine and have fun with your friends!

Honestly OP HE'S BLOODY DREADFUL

Try googling 'trauma bonding' and Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. I believe there are freely available PDFs online, potentially on his own website. You don't need to read the whole thing, you can just pick out bits that are relevant to your experience.

'Slowly he started putting rules in'

I've never been in a relationship
Where anyone has suggested they have rules for me to follow! I would have laughed just before dumping them!