I asked him out… handhold?

[coves]

I definitely have anxiety and overthink situations, so I find dating really difficult. I’ve been on and off OLD for years, rarely meet anyone where I feel a proper spark or get excited about but on Friday, I met a guy and honestly just had such a bloody lovely time. We got on great, chat was flowing, laughing, odd touches here and there. He kissed me goodnight, then went back in for a ‘proper’ kiss so I was feeling amazing!

He was quieter over the weekend, and the flirty banter we’d had in the run up to the date felt like it had dropped off a bit… but benefit of the doubt and all, it was the weekend and he sounded busy so I just followed his lead on texting and wasn’t too ‘full on’. I asked him if he wanted to do something again and he said ‘definitely! Let’s sort something when we’re both child free’ which I know isn’t until next weekend for us both so I haven’t mentioned it again.

Buuut I’ve ended up with a random weeknight child free this week, and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to ask him if he’s free or not… I don’t want to come across too keen, but at the same time I feel like what have I got to lose! If he’s not interested, he can just say. So I’ve asked him and now I’m in the awful nervous anxious limbo waiting for a reply…

If he was interested then he would've suggested another day. It sounds like he's using work and his children as an excuse for not wanting to see you again, especially if the children don't live with him full time. I think you should stop texting him and only reply if he suggests another date within the next couple of days.

I’m with the majority!

In the throes of a new crush, if you are excited about it and really like someone you ramp up the text messages, not go quiet.

Even when you gave him an opening to text you regarding the second date, he still didn’t reply for 5 hours.

When you’ve got a new potential partner on the scene that you really like, you’re generally checking your phone every 5 minutes to see if they have text you and then replying to them at crazy speed 🤣

Even if he couldn’t have seen that text and replied whilst he was at work (unlikely), he would have replied to you the minute he left the building if he was really into you.

Instead he waited until 8pm, gave you the brush off and didn’t even suggest an alternative date option.

And the voice note detailing his stresses with work and his Ex, well maybe he’s setting the foundation work so he can break it off with you as he “has too much on his plate to start dating” - or whatever men say.
But even if that isn’t the case, and his reasons are genuine and he is having a tough time, do you really want to be dealing with all that?!

I would love to be wrong……but this sounds like a non-starter.

Well, I have an update! I think he genuinely was just busy that week, chat has been great since and back to flirty banter and he’s asked me out again. So we’ll see how it goes! :)

hope all goes well op. Please keep us updated.

Hope it goes well! I think for what it’s worth a lot of the advice people gave here stands, no matter what this situation develops into. It’s as much about you seeing if you genuinely like him as you get to know him better - not just how he feels :-)

Fantastic! 😊 being brave clearly paid off.

Well, I have a pretty rubbish update! We had another date during the week, I went to his and I thought it went really well. Things went a bit further, didn’t sleep together but it was close! Arranged to meet again this weekend, confirmed plans for today last night. I’ve spent the morning tidying my place, getting something sorted to cook us for dinner and then I was waiting for him to let me know he was on his way. Chatted this morning about what he had to do before he left etc etc. Then 20 mins ago I got a message to say he’s really sorry but he can’t do this as doesn’t want to lead me on, enjoys my company but is feeling low and doesn’t want to be ‘disingenuous’. I’m absolutely gutted and raging that he’s left it to the very very very last minute to let me down like this. But it is what it is! Lesson learned, don’t get too invested after 2 dates. :(

Nevermind, he won't be the last guy you get excited about and next time hopefully it's mutual.

Sorry to hear this, OP, I’m sure you’re very disappointed. It’s good he was able to be honest. I’d really advise trying to meet more people, so that when you meet someone you truly like, there isn’t as much at stake (emotionally) so early. And to cultivate a sense of trust that when something is meant to work out, it will, without forcing or feeling you’re making so much effort and being disappointed.

For the future, I highly recommend the writing/speaking of Esther Perel and Mark Groves.

Honestly OP it’s a jungle out there. You handled the situation with grace. Keep going but try to hold it lightly!

Ah, OP, I'm so sorry! But at least he has been honest, did not ghost you or used you for sex/ whatever. I know it must hurt, but don't let it change you/ make you more cynical/ lose trust in men. Think about it this way: we all been in similar situation, and him being so honest must have taking courage. Its crap that it was so late, but he must have been thinking about it and in the end realised he simply could not do it.

He was not your man. Your man is still out there somewhere )))

Disappointing for you OP but a lot of men would have humped and dumped. He’s been honest. And at least you’ve got a clean house, and something nice for dinner. Have a nice evening, no need for this to take up any more of your time and energy.

Sorry to hear OP. I personally think that he was planning on ghosting you but you messaged him and he felt guilty. He saw you again and felt like it was flogging a dead horse so felt compelled to finally be honest. If there is ever a post similar to this, other posters please do not encourage the woman to chase a guy who is clearly not interested as some did on this post. If a guy is interested, he will never leave you wondering.

Sorry to hear this OP. The lesson to be learned here is to listen to your anxiety - the fact you were feeling this way about him was your brain sensing that he was not fully into it and it was making you feel panicky. Next time listen to those feelings and recognise that having those feelings in the first place is the sign that you’re looking for to take control and move on.

you were inviting a man to your home who you have had two dates with? You went to a man’s house you didnt know after one date?!?! What the actual fuck @coves ?!

this man not being interested in you is not the main issue here. You have alarmingly poor boundaries and decision making.

did you give the stranger with poor mental health your address?

It is weird how a date can seemingly go very well, a mutual decision to see each other again then either crickets or the second date is nowhere near as nice as the first ...
But I do agree if he's in to you you'll know it. You won't have to second guess every text or message. Not love bombing, but an enthusiastic response to you, a willingness to put themselves out to see you, an eagerness to plan the next date. If you're asking 'does he or doesn't he', then the answer is most likely the latter. Better luck next time.

There was a very good episode of Sex in the City. Jack told the girls that men didn’t give out mixed signals. If they were interested they would be arranging the next date. He hasn’t responded to your text. It might be that he isn’t keen on taking things further. At least you will know in the next few days.

Whatever you do leave as is. No more texts or calls. The ball is in his court.

Sorry, just seen the latest update. I mean this kindly. Keep some stricter boundaries. It was far too early to do what you did. Move on and play it cooler next time.