I asked him out… handhold?

[coves]

I definitely have anxiety and overthink situations, so I find dating really difficult. I’ve been on and off OLD for years, rarely meet anyone where I feel a proper spark or get excited about but on Friday, I met a guy and honestly just had such a bloody lovely time. We got on great, chat was flowing, laughing, odd touches here and there. He kissed me goodnight, then went back in for a ‘proper’ kiss so I was feeling amazing!

He was quieter over the weekend, and the flirty banter we’d had in the run up to the date felt like it had dropped off a bit… but benefit of the doubt and all, it was the weekend and he sounded busy so I just followed his lead on texting and wasn’t too ‘full on’. I asked him if he wanted to do something again and he said ‘definitely! Let’s sort something when we’re both child free’ which I know isn’t until next weekend for us both so I haven’t mentioned it again.

Buuut I’ve ended up with a random weeknight child free this week, and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to ask him if he’s free or not… I don’t want to come across too keen, but at the same time I feel like what have I got to lose! If he’s not interested, he can just say. So I’ve asked him and now I’m in the awful nervous anxious limbo waiting for a reply…

Op, I'm rubbish at dating so my opinion might not be relevant but I'll offer it in case you find it useful.

If someone is going thru a stressy and crappy time at work or with their ex, I don't think they'd be so offhand with you. Imo if you're going through crap in your work/personal life but you're really interested in someone, then messaging someone you're romantically attracted to is often a great distraction/mood booster.

Shit day at work? Come home, relax and have some nice easy going/flirty banter to help forget the days shit.

If he really likes you, there's not much that is going to stop him from being in touch bar a bereavement or something really serious.

And even if he's interested, he sounds like hard work.

I don't think he's interested. If he was actually busy he would have said no I'm not free but how about x day. The fact that he didn't offer an alternative means hes not that interested. Happy to talk to you and maybe another date/sex but hes not nearly as keen as you are which means its going to go nowhere.
General rule if you are confused , hes not interested. If you have to ask, where is this going, its going nowhere
I'd move on personally.

I mean, even if he's busy this Thursday, it wouldn't stop him from just having a friendly, flirty chat with you. That kind of interaction, with someone you really like, will be a proper endorphin boost and is kind of moreish and therefore not something you avoid.

I agree with this tbh. You don't know him well enough to be his sounding board when he's stressed out tbh. He sounds like he's oversharing a little, which always makes me wary.

I wouldn't reply too much to his stressed out voice note tbh. You aren't his mum

It should still be fairly fun and flirty at this stage imo

Complete over reaction. You have the next date booked in. Thursday was a potential extra.

I think you were right to ask if he was free but leave it in his court now. Maybe a polite sorry to hear that if he's having a hard time but don't become his offloading bay. Not at this stage. He doesn't have that privilege yet. Some men will talk the hind leg off a donkey about their troubles if you give them half a chance with no intention of taking things further.

See how it goes but don't be his agony aunt this early in the day!

These situations are horrible. In my experience this is not likely to lead to anything substantial and if you carry on with someone who gives you these "not quite good enough to stop the uncertainty but not letting you go either" signals every date arrangement will leave you with this sort of anxiety.

If you tend towards feeling like this you just need to be firm with yourself that you can only accept clear signals from someone. The anxiety is a sign in itself that this isn't really right for you. But you convince yourself that YOU'RE the problem, that you "just" need to keep your anxiety in check and that all these lukewarm signals are a bad day, or busy at work, or understandable given xyz. But the fact is, this level of interest leaves you anxious. It's not right for you, so I would back off unless he substantially ramps it up and keeps it ramped up.

OP, please stop. If he was interested, serious you would not have all this guessing and headache, it would be bloody obvious he wants to see you.

He liked you when he was with you, he enjoyed the time then but, sadly, it all disappeared as soon as you were out of his sight. Back off for now, let him invite you out - but be prepared it will lead nowhere.

And please dont message him first/ dont invite him anywhere again.

I’ve been there a fair few times, OP, and after finding a true connection that was genuinely felt on both sides (with my partner), I’ve reflected a lot on other times when I’d be in a position similar to your current one.

I think there’s nothing wrong with being keen or expressing that to someone, however

• if people think you want something from them, they tend to instinctively back off (think about when people from charities come up to you in the street wanting donations)
• mystery and desire are connected (Esther Perel can tell you much more about this)

As others said, for now I’d leave the ball in his court.

Some further thoughts - I met my partner at a time when I was very fed up of being in the kind of position you’re in, OP, and I was really not in the mood to meet someone because I was sick of the pattern I seemed to get into. You hear stories like this a lot (no expectations, etc.), and it’s difficult to fake that true feeling of not caring, but it’s very freeing. I went on a dating app because I recognised I was going mad ruminating about someone I really liked, who initiated physical things with me but then ghosted me.* I just wanted to meet people and feel like an open-hearted woman again 😆

I feel like in your current situation, what could help would be to meet other people (hell, why not this week if you’re still free!), and practise playing a different role from the one you get into when you find someone you really like. This can shake things up a lot, and you may not meet anyone with whom you want to take things further, but it likely won’t be that bad, and it will probably get you out of your head. Possibly this will get you into the kind of zone where, should you meet up with this guy again, you have a more balanced perspective about him and a truer openness to seeing what could happen (or not).

Whatever happens, at some point you’ll meet someone where it just clicks, and you won’t look back :-) I promise that’s possible!

*and while I’m at it on this post, if this guys isn’t interested, you don't need to take it too personally - so often it truly has more to do with what’s going on in the other person’s life and what wounds they’re (often) subconsciously living with. It can be hard to believe but I find it to be true.

I also want to say, I'm sorry if my post came across as a bit blunt.
I spent a brief time last year dating and it really messed with my head and self esteem.
You sound lovely and deserve better than to play the guessing game.

There's a podcast called "Do the work" by Sabrina Zohar which I found helpful. www.sabrinazohar.com/

But general impression he's a bit casual about missing his chance with you and I think you deserve someone more on the ball. I agree with @DolceDingo in 'maybe' cases or when someone overdose the enthusiasm but if both are keen it's fine to ask someone out

If a man is interested trust me when I say... you'd know!

If he was interested, he would be instigating a second date straight away and you would not be left wondering. The uneasy feeling in your gut is your intuition telling you that he isn't interested. Delete his number (don't block) so you're not tempted to message him. Don't message him again unless he completely turns it around and organises something lovely.

You should not have told him that you thought he was ghosting you. You've been on one date and he really does not owe you anything. If a man I'd been on one date with texted me to say "I thought you were ghosting me" this would be far too intense for me and this would freak me out. He will sense your energy and this will only repel him even more.

I agree he’s not interested.

It takes a minute to text, hi, mega busy, can’t do Thursday, sorry, how about Saturday, can sort details later!

you need to read the rules book. I would definitely not be waiting around for him!

This. Stop wasting time on him

Some people are keen to make a connection but then back off because deep down they’re not ready to move on, I would back off and not worry, he could have had a stressful day. He knows you like him so if he’s interested the ball is in his court.

I'm of the of the 'if interested you'll know about it' brigade.

This 'had a busy day didn't get round to texting' is nonsense if you're dating and really like someone.

Throw this one back before you get hurt.

He’s not interested. Reminds me of myself I’m ashamed to say. I’d go on a perfectly lovely date, but know that I just wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. Then to get out of another date, rather than be rude and crush their feelings I just went quiet and just replied to direct questions and responded to suggestions of further dates with ‘sorry I’m busy’ without suggesting a new date. A couple of times after it was clear that I was no longer interested I got a long ‘I’m confused, I thought the date went well’ message when just made me cringe and block them.

in hindsight even ghosting would have been better than that behaviour.. stringing it all out. But I should have just messaged after the date with the truth- that while I’d had a lovely time I just knew I wasn’t attracted to them in the way I wanted to be.

I had at least one man I did like behave like this to me too but because I had the insight of my own behaviour too, I didn’t go down the ‘I’m confused’ route.. I just blocked and moved on.

Anyway. I am sorry for my behaviour and I hope sharing it helps someone else understand the behavioural pattern and not keep being strung along.

I would Chuck him back
he doesn’t sound much fun anyway - listing all his problems rather then trying to impress you. It’s so hard but I’ll leave him be.

No. He's not keen.