Affair - breakdown

[silvershadow1]

I know what I am going to be told - I deserve it.
Essentially having a breakdown because my marriage is a mess and I've had an emotional affair.
I told the other man to walk away and tk block me so I couldn't message him . I didn't want him to experience my breakdown .
I regret this so much.
I can't cope

The marriage mess has nothing to with the affair . The affair was a result of the mess and a massive connection with the other man that I have tried to fight for years

Why has the marriage not ended?

@silvershadow1 So sorry to hear you are struggling. The affair has only acted as a delaying factor in the pain you are feeling from the failure of your marriage. I understand that it must be tearing you apart right now.
I think you are at a point where you need to look inward at yourself and ask what you want for yourself going forward. That is not easy to do. You are also wrapped in the pain from the affair, the loss of marriage and I suspect all the self loathing from having done what you have done.
Stay strong, you will move forward from this. Here to listen if you need to talk, no judgement, very few people have affairs because that is what they like. They happen because the give them affirmation they lack elsewhere. X

Go to your GP and get some help with your mental state. Can you get counselling quickly, eg through work? Don't make it worse by beating yourself up, you're only human. Take no notice of the haters.
Perhaps you should look at splitting up with your H, if you love someone else.
Can you work on your marriage, if that's not the case?
Or make a long term plan to leave, if you can't face splitting up in the short term?

I haven't ended the marriage because it isn't as easy as that. Married for over 20 years , kid and finances make it difficult.
I have thought about why the affair happened / I know if I was truly happy it wouldn't have.
The connection was/is very strong.
No physical sex
But OM is holding back his feelings .
In a way I feel very foolish but I don't thjnk OM is being honest with himself . He is also married .
I have self referred for therapy and have had blood tests as I have health issues that can affect mental health.
I feel heart broken and it's all my fault

@silvershadow1 You have to stop being critical of yourself. This has happened, yes it is not great, but it is how it is. Be proud that you stopped short of a physical affair, take some positive from yourself in that. Please look after yourself. Take care of your mental health and keep yourself safe.

Reach out if you need /want to x

Thank you. I've come home from work as I just can't stop crying. I just need to rest and look after myself .
My husband is thinks it is because of my health condition.

Sorry OP just wanted to ask, you are having an emotional affair but the OM doesn't see you in that way, with him holding back?

How old are your kids?

be careful of having the OM on a pedestal. He is cheating on his wife, emotionally anyway. So there is a limit to what kind of a “prize” he is.

Nothing is "all my/your fault" - you are guilty only of being human and you are trying to deal with a difficult situation. You have taken the decent decision as the object of your feelings is a married man, and now you are having to deal with the sadness.

Give yourself time to recover then focus on dealing with the problems in your marriage. Good luck.

The other man is holding back his feelings .
I am trying very hard not to put him on a pedestal In fact I am angry with him in quite a few ways
I am more angry with myself as I let him control the situation in a lot of ways
He is also going through personal issues with his father and is very overwhelmed.

This sounds like you're obsessing and he's not interested but you're convinced he is?!

If that's the case then this sounds more like limerance or an infatuation than emotional affair?

I don't really understand what has happened here, i.e. have you confessed feelings and been rejected, has he withdrawn his feelings for you, was there an argument and he said he doesn't want to talk to you?

Either way, you are right to ask him to block you and I hope you are doing the same so you are not tempted to contact each other. As another PP said, try and get to see your GP, it sounds like you need some support with your health and marriage. Whatever your relationship is with OM, you don't sound like either of you are in the right headspace to have any kind of relationship, certainly not with each other.

Ok if I have to be precise
He cares about me - likes me
Wants to have sex , thinks I am stunning and amazing but has not said I love you and neither have I
No offence but it's not that simple

And I agree I may be a little obsessed
But I think he is too and he is upset that intold him to walk away when he was trying to support me

I think he is emotionally immature

But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings and can't feel sad for a what if

There was no withdrawal of feelings
And I have confessed that I have feelings but not love
He has said things that make me believe he has feelings for me
We are very very attracted to each other but never slept with each other
What can I saw it's a head fuck and I need to protect myself but it's hard

I'm not taking offence, and yes you can feel sad, however you want advice and people will ask for specifics so they can help with some support.

FWIW, I still think you have done the right thing by asking him to block you and think you need help from professionals with all the other things going on in your life, he's not the person to do this for you, however sad you feel about it.

It's NOT a head fuck. It's really pretty simple.

He wants a sexual affair. You want him to love you and validate you with flowery language. He doesn't want to do that because that's not the kind of affair he's after. That's WAY too dangerous for him. He just wants sex.

Both of you are behaving appallingly to your spouses while this 'Will we/won't we' nonsense goes on. Affairs are abusive.

Zero sympathy.

Best thing to do is stay out of his way as much as possible. It’s not going to end well and you’re making yourself ill

I agree I do need to leave him alone
It's never worth it

op this is an infatuation built on dreams - in reality it would be a horrible painful mess for both of you to split from your spouses and then what, move in together all of a sudden and realise life isn’t the dream you expected? Physically the new relationship might not work (you are not actually having sex it may be awful!), and emotionally everything would be soured because of your guilt and the horrible backdrop of how it started.

do You work with Om?

if yes you need to get a new job. The only way to cure the pain is to cut yourself off from him completely. Block him, delete his number from your phone and everywhere.

Get the therapy and after a year or two you will have healed. You may still not be happy, but you won’t be feeling this agony.

Or leave dh and take the risk the Om will not leave his wife and you’ll be alone and miserable.

Im not unsympathetic at all, but you have to STOP torturing yourself. And cut OM out of your life however painful.

Thank you
You are right
I just need to heal in so many ways not just from OM
I still think there was a reason we met
But it can't carry on

Op slow down.

You haven’t had sex, so although there are developing feelings you haven’t killed your marriage stone dead. It depends if you want to recover from this and stay married or not? If you do, you need to have the most honest conversation with your dh about how the marriage is failing you, how you see it being repaired and if I were you tell him you came close to leaving - it felt hopeless. Tell him you have a male friend supporting you and that you have realised that you need this from him. You can attend marriage counselling and really try to repair what has broken.

Or you leave and be honest that it’s broken beyond repair.

The pressure of this is breaking you. A decision needs to be made. Get some support.

OP it sounds like he has pursued you and drawn you in with lots of flattery and attention. He is not supporting you, that's just a euphemism for him wanting to make the relationship sexual. I'm glad you have asked him to block you, it would be good if you can block him back just in case he tries to get back in touch. Of course you will feel heartbroken, emotional affairs can be very intense but you have done the right thing.

I have had that conversation with DH. He is actually really trying and I told him I was on the cusp of leaving
I know I need to block and walk away .
I am
I know I need to work on my marriage I am
The abuse wasn't just coming from my side / it was coming from my husband
10 years of abuse

I can still regret walking away from OM
Even if I know I need to
I just need to deal with the self loathing

You have to be brutally honest op this man is desperately trying to take advantage of your vulnerability and sadness. He isn’t saying he loves you because that is reserved for his wife. You need to take the rose coloured spectacles off and realise you are probably one of many.

He has sniffed out the sadness in your marriage and is driving an even bigger wedge between you and your dh. Regardless of what you decide to do, do not stay with such a philandering nasty little weasel that is happy to prey on vulnerable women, and certainly don’t throw your marriage away for a lousy night of sex with someone hell bent on playing you.

You haven’t had an affair - yes you may have been blinded by the attention, but you haven’t allowed this to go any further. This is an obsession - a distraction that helps you avoid the bigger issues in your life.

Look after yourself, please. It’s not worth it - none of this is worth the loss of your mh op.