Affair - breakdown

[silvershadow1]

I know what I am going to be told - I deserve it.
Essentially having a breakdown because my marriage is a mess and I've had an emotional affair.
I told the other man to walk away and tk block me so I couldn't message him . I didn't want him to experience my breakdown .
I regret this so much.
I can't cope

If you are suffering abuse, an affair is not the way out. It is jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You're clearly looking for a knight to rescue you but this one isn't it. He's made that clear.

Be the hero of your own story.

Can you talk about the abuse op? What kind of abuse?

Abuse can create self loathing. As can guilt, but really you have to start taking better care of yourself, you are not a bad person.

Controversial view but I don't believe in emotional affairs.

Marriage was designed for humans who mostly only lived to about 45. Most marriages only lasted a decade or a little more due to early death, death in childbirth etc, until relatively recently.

Most people in a long marriage are going to encounter other potential partners, and people they make a connection with. That's life.

What matters here is that you didn't cheat. You chose your husband and you walked away.

Whether you take this as a sign to end the marriage or to work on it, please stop beating yourself up. (I bet the bloke involved isn't; did he show any signs of ending HIS marriage? I'm going to guess absolutely not)

In short: cut yourself some slack.

I agree
Long marriage is very hard

I'm glad I posted

Nothing that anyone has said isn't something I haven't already thought

But I keep falling back into the same pattern of thought which is why I am getting therapy

Whatever you decide to do about your marriage you have to cut ties with this man.

He doesn’t say I love you because he doesn’t feel that way. It’s a flirtation for him to try and fuck you - and I would guarantee that if it ever cabs to you having sex, you wouldn’t see him for dust afterwards.

It seems ur doing a lot of "thinking" that he has feelings for you, but he hasnt actually says he has. He doesnt feel the same for you as you do him.

If your marriage is abusive, you need to find a way to end it. Yes it's difficult with finances and children but it won't be more difficult than the mess you are in now. And at the end of the process you will be a free woman, able to make your own choices and decisions. Stay away from the other man, he's married and not for you. Concentrate on sorting out your own life.

Over last 20 odd years husband has :

Overspends and gets us into huge debt
Had to remortgage over £50k to pay off debt
Spent whatever he wants and never gives me money
Childcare, costs , clothing etc all my responsibility
I Had two miscarriages and never comforted me or supported me
When I did get pregnant with baby he decided to work a way for whole pregnancy - from 8 weeks pregnant
Made it clear only wanted 1 child after saying didn’t know he wanted any at all.
Household chores , life admin , bill paying my responsibility
Lent female friend money and lied to me
Had afffair when his brother died - my mother was ill and I didn’t support him enough and so blamed myself .
Affair lead to him being obsessed with her and she put in a work complaint about him. He had to resign so they didn’t sack him
In last 2 years has had 6 jobs because of his aggression
Started working in London though I didn’t really want him too
Is work obsessed and puts more value in work than us. Lost job last year and had nervous breakdown.
Speaks down to me
Has always flirted with other woman to point a woman wanted to have an affair with him

So my self esteem is on the floor
I also had emotionally abusive parents

I've just made a fool of myself

The OM is blocked everywhere

Time to work on myself

Please start thinking about leaving ur husband. Ur worth so much more than this and u only get one life.

It sounds like there are a lot of problems in your marriage and I hope you can find a way out, if that's right for you. But for what it's worth, I don't think you have had an emotional affair. Your head is a pressure cooker and steam has to come out somewhere. How you felt about this other guy is a warning sign.

Op why haven’t you posted about all of this abuse? This is the real story not a pretend love story with some married bloke.

Read that list back.
It is shocking.
No wonder your mh is crashing through the floor.

You need to speak to a counsellor tomorrow. Call your family and friends. Get some real life support today op. I am so sorry.

I think you should be working on ending your marriage.

Oh god OP this all sounds awful. I give people having an affair a very hard time generally but even I can't be pissed off at you. You've been through shit with your parents, you've been through a ton of shit in your marriage and now you've met someone that you really like and you have completely and utterly idealised them and put them on a pedestal - they are your way out of this huge mess, they make you feel happy and good about yourself when no one else has. It's pretty understandable.

The problem is OP this person isn't your saviour. They are not the answer to all your prayers. They are not this perfect person that can save you from your life of misery. First of all you say they control a lot of things, secondly they are pushing you for sex, thirdly they don't seem to have much problem with cheating on their wife. You feel the way you feel about this person because your life is so awful - I bet if you were in a happy, well functioning, positive head space you'd know well this man is no good for you and you'd run a mile from this cheater.

I think you need to look to leave both these men behind and work on fixing yourself from all the trauma you have been through, not least in your childhood with emotionally abusive parents.

Leave your husband, he's a cunt.
Forget about the OM for now.
Things will seem so much clearer when your marriage is officially over.

Your husband sounds vile, you need to put your energies into separating from him rather than being side tracked by your emotional affair. Prioritise yourself OP, start the ball rolling to end your abusive marriage and stay away from the emotional affair partner too, he has not got your best interests at heart. Speak to Women's Aid for advice and support and please get some counselling for yourself to help you navigate this situation.